Friday marks 15 weeks of pregnancy and also the longest stretch I've gone without an ultrasound. I'm mostly feeling pretty relaxed, but I have moments where I want to jump in the car and zip over to my doctor's office for a peek at what this little girl is up to. Is she moving around in there? When will I be able to feel her? My stomach certainly seems to be growing as if she is growing... A fried is sending me her doppler machine (is that the right term?) so I can hear her heartbeat at home. Has anyone used one of these? I'm worried it might just freak me out instead as I am certain there will be times I can't find her heartbeat.
We have some acquaintances who I just found out terminated a pregnancy at 20 weeks because of severe heart abnormalities. My heart just breaks for them. Stories like this remind me (as if I really need a reminder) that this baby-making process is so very fragile, uncertain, and truly miraculous when it works out well and you have a healthy, living, breathing baby at the end.
After we lost L, I joined a support group for women with recent losses. It was such a lifeline during the first 8 weeks and the women continue to be dear friends. In one of our sessions, we had to write a letter to someone with whom our relationship had changed as a result of our loss. I wrote to my husband, but two of the women wrote to God and wrote about how they were having so much trouble believing in God after such a horrific event had occurred in their lives.
Interestingly (at least to me), I've had the opposite experience and I've spent a lot of time thinking about it lately. I've never been particularly religious. I wouldn't say I didn't believe in God, but I also don't attend church or like to put my hope and faith in someone or something intangible. I'm just being honest here, so I really hope this doesn't offend anyone. That said, since we lost L, I have had a renewed sense of faith and hope. I have been praying. And I think a lot more about a greater power existing in the world. And I hope that L is in a nice place - I really can't fathom it being any other way.
I'm not sure what to make of these feelings yet in terms of how I might change my life to accommodate them in the future (e.g., by joining a church), but for now it feels really good and right to pray.
I just re-read this post and realize it is all over the place, but thanks for sticking with me :)