Tuesday, September 23, 2014

My First Freak Out

I know these feelings were/are inevitable, but it has happened.  I'm officially in the midst of feeling very anxious about this pregnancy.  After seeing the high-risk OB on Friday (who was very pleased with how things are looking and not at all worried that our little girl is a little small), I saw my normal OB yesterday.  She noted that while on average (the average of all the measurements taken, baby girl is just 2 days behind (which is normal), her head measurement is quite small.  She (OB) said that if it were the abdomen, they would be worried, but they don't worry with the head and sometimes babies are just small.

Regardless, I am freaking out.  This has (unsurprisingly) led me to Google "small head on baby 23 weeks."  There haven't been any terrifying results (don't tell me if you know of any), but I see this as the beginning of growth restriction, which suggests clotting, so of course I am extremely worried.  My OB wasn't, and she just wants me to come in weekly to see how things are going, but the mere fact that she raised the issue has me extremely concerned.  This is coupled with the fact that my fundal height is actually measuring ahead (26 weeks), so it doesn't comport with the baby being small.

There isn't really a point to this post (is there a point to any of them?), but I'm just venting because I am concerned.  I see my doctor again next Tuesday, but of course I know I will be worried until I see her squirming around and hopefully with a larger head size.

Has anyone had any experience with a baby measuring small (particularly the head)?

I'll leave you with a very cute (in my opinion) photo of baby girl's legs, which she was daintily crossing during our ultrasound.  She was also holding her feet in her hands next to her face - so very flexible!

Thanks, as always, for listening.

Friday, September 19, 2014

23 Weeks

Another week has come and gone and things are looking good.  I met with our high-risk OB this morning.  My ultrasound looked good and this little girl was moving around a bit and waving her arms for us.  She's measuring just shy of 23 weeks and the doctor thought everything looked great.  Phew.  She weighs 1.3 pounds today, which is more than L weighed when she was born.
I'm still loving having a posterior placenta and feeling all of her kicks.  There were a few big ones last night and I just love staring at my belly as it moves.  That will never get old.

I'm thankful for another week with a healthy baby and am trying to approach the time when we lost L with optimism and a positive attitude.  This time, things will be different.

To my grapefruit-sized baby in there, please just keep growing and kicking!  We can't wait to meet you in a few months.

Thursday, September 18, 2014

An Ornament for L

The leaves are starting to turn here in Denver and I can sense fall is just around the corner.  My thoughts immediately turn to Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas.  I have been thinking back to how much hope I was filled with last holiday season.  Last Halloween, I passed out candy to trick-o-treaters and thought about what costume L would wear this year.  We spent Thanksgiving on the East Coast with my husband's family and talked about how next year, we'd have a little girl joining the festivities.  And Christmas... at Christmas, I had started to not feel well and already had my blood clot (and just didn't know), but I had purchased a stocking hook for L for 2014 and was planning for a joyous Christmas celebration with a baby.  My Dad gifted us a wooden cradle he had made for L. 

The changing seasons remind me how different life is than I thought it would be and I've been missing L like crazy.  At the same time, I am so excited by the possibility of this little girl growing inside of me.  

After a long walk tonight, I was thinking of how I wanted to be reminded of L this holiday season.  I have a collection of Christmas ornaments that are special to me and I thought of how I want L to be represented on our tree this year.  I ordered a customized ornament with her name, birthday, and her initial on it and I can't wait to hang it on the tree to be reminded of her every Christmas.  It's just a little thing, but I know we'll have it for years to come, and hopefully next year we can add one for our second daughter.

Thursday, September 11, 2014

22 Weeks

Tomorrow marks week 22 of pregnancy.  Miraculously, my anxiety is in check and under control and I'm feeling really good, keeping up with exercise, etc.  I had my Anti XA (clotting) levels tested today and they are comfortably in the range where they should be and my TSH is still within normal limits.  Phew.  For today, great news.... that along with hearing a strong heartbeat and feeling some powerful kicks after I ate lunch.  Those kicks will never get old.

I am so grateful for these good days.

It's especially important to feel thankful today, on the 13th anniversary of September 11th.  I was reminded by the flags at half staff that I saw on my way to work today.  Sometimes it helps to have a little perspective on everything else going on when I find myself so easily consumed by what is happening in my life.

Anyway... just a note of thanks, especially when I know others are going through very hard times.

Here's to another uneventful 15 weeks...

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

On Jealousy

I saw another post about this yesterday, so I know I am not the only one feeling this way, but I had a very strong (and wildly irrational) jealous reaction to Kate Middleton's second pregnancy.  Her first pregnancy was announced right around with I found out about my DOR and was told donor eggs were my only option.  And even though I am pregnant now, I just keep thinking that it will be extra unfair if she has a second healthy baby before I can have one that lives.

Crazy and irrational?  Yes.

Do I still feel these crazy feelings?  Yes.

Also, has anyone ever looked so good preggers?   Quite unfair.

I did get an e-mail yesterday that made me laugh out loud from one of the women in my support group.  It had no subject, but just said "F&*# Kate Middleton."  It made me happy to know I wasn't the only one feeling so resentful.

On a happier (and more relevant note), this little baby has started kicking up a storm every time I eat and I love it.  Last night, I got home from work, had a snack, and just laid down and enjoyed feeling her kick.  I will never get over how amazing it is to know she is in there, alive and well.

Wednesday, September 3, 2014


Sort of giving us a thumbs up?
We are back from an incredibly relaxing and adventurous vacation in the mountains, followed by a productive Labor Day weekend at home where I got so many organizing projects done.  Perhaps I am starting to nest?  I felt this overwhelming urge to sort through all of our closets, get organized, get rid of stuff, etc.

I'm 20 weeks and 5 days along today and we've officially passed the halfway point.  My ultrasound today looked good and baby is measuring 1 day shy of today's date, which I was reassured is just fine and totally normal.

I'd been feeling really great until I weighed myself at the doctor's office today.  One month ago, I weighed NINE pounds less than I do today.  NINE.  I have been eating healthy and exercising a lot (sticking to my 10,000 steps each day or more, still running, etc.) so I am totally befuddled and as much as I know I shouldn't let it bother me (and the doctor said the same thing - she said I looked healthy and that was good enough for her), I am sort of beside myself about it.  I know that excessive weight gain puts you at greater risk for clotting, which is part of why I am worked up about it.... and I just generally like to be healthy and this seems quite unhealthy to me.

To focus on the positive, baby is looking good, and I can feel her kick ALL the time. I love it.  I could sit and stare at my moving stomach all day long... but alas, that is frowned upon in the office.  So, overall a great visit and week.  Below is the first bump shot I've shared.  I think it is finally obvious to everyone that I am pregnant, not just packing on the pounds.  Or maybe I am doing both?