Last week, B and I walked to the grocery store for a few things. While we were waiting in the checkout line, the woman behind me said, "I'm studying to become a doula. How was your birth experience?"
[deep breath]
I know there is always a choice in how we respond to questions like this. I could have just said that it was great and left it at that, but I think this is an intensely personal question and is it really appropriate to ask random people at the grocery store?
I decided to just answer but to be straightforward: "She's happy and healthy and that is all that we wanted." I then turned back to face the other way and hoped that was the end of the conversation.
It wasn't. She then asked where we delivered and how. Seriously? So I told her the name of the hospital and said that I'd had a c-section. I got the classic disappointed look and a "Oh... well did you schedule it?" And then I got irked. So what if I had? Even if I had just scheduled it because I wanted a c-section and not because of a medical reason. Is it any of her business.
"No," I said. "I didn't schedule it. I was induced and ended up needing a c-section." [Again, hoping this would end the conversation.]
"Why were you induced if you don't mind me asking?" Really? I thought I was abundantly clear with my tone that I DID mind, but apparently not. And I thought I could just tell this woman that I was induced because I have a clotting disorder or I could just be completely honest and hopefully make her feel a bit uncomfortable so she might not harass other women in the store in the future. So, I went for it.
"I had a daughter that was stillborn," I said. "And I have a clotting disorder." I then went on to make a point of telling her that I didn't care one bit about having a c-section and actually thought it was pretty great.
That look that people get on their face when you mention losing a child. It gets me every time. She looked (finally) horrified that she had pushed so far and kept asking questions and also sad and a little shocked and then she *finally* stopped asking about my birth and started asking me questions about B.
I've never been happier for my turn to check out at a store.
Wow, nosy much? So sorry you had to deal with that. I hope your grocery store questioner learns some tact and consideration before becoming a doula. I wouldn't want her attending my birth. I admire you for being honest about your experiences but such pushiness is inappropriate, especially from someone who is supposed to be a professional birth support person.
ReplyDeleteRight? So nosy. I also hope she learned some tact and won't bombard random strangers in the future!
DeleteUgh. This is out of line and not at all the right place or way to solicit such personal information. I hope she learns some tact!
ReplyDeleteI couldn't agree more. I hope to never run into her again!
DeleteOh, suck it, doula. Honestly, it's unnecessary to keep pressing for information.
ReplyDeleteHa - suck it is right :)
DeleteThat is absolutely horrible. Shame on her! I hope she learned her lesson! Uh!
ReplyDeleteWow, that lady sounds like a pill! She should mind her own damn business! I would have let her have it. Ugh.
ReplyDeleteI sort of wish I had let her have it... next time!
DeleteThe suck it, doula comment made me laugh, which was really nice b/c reading this made me so angry. The ignorance and privilege of all those who engage in the "perfect" birth bs is unbelievable. We need to honor and value the experience of all births/babies/mothers.
ReplyDeleteAurelia, it made me laugh, too. The idea of a perfect birth is so comical to me. Honestly.
DeleteAlso, absolutely love your name.
That lady makes ME mad and I wasn't even there! I have also had strangers ask me completely offensive questions that quite frankly arent any of their business (for example, prying as to why my twins died and how long they lived, etc.) and I just cannot believe the audacity of some people. I think you handled it very well - I would not have been as nice.
ReplyDeleteOh, Krystal, I am so sorry people ask you questions like that. People are audacious and have no sense of what is appropriate.
DeleteEr. Maybe she should reconsider her profession of choice. I probably would have done the same, but I'm not happy sharing the story of my precious twins with someone so obnoxious. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteCouldn't agree more! Who would want her as her doula?
DeleteAs someone who may be facing a C/section due to the life threatening complication of a complete placenta preva (possible accreta) I would love to tell that woman, 'Yeah, I would love to have the vaginal birth that I always dreamed about, to be able to experience that powerful moment of letting my body do something amazing, but I'll never that that choice. For me it's C/section or bleed to death. Yeah I got over wanting to have my vaginal delivery pretty quickly..."
ReplyDeleteRight? Most people who don't have a vaginal delivery aren't choosing to do so for "fun" reasons. I've been thinking of you and reading your blog and am hoping you don't end up with a complete placenta preva.
DeleteYour baby is living. I'd say it was a pretty good birth experience. And yes, Brandy, suck it, doula.
ReplyDelete