Tuesday, June 7, 2016

The "M" Word

I've known this day was coming since my dreaded diagnosis in early 2013 of premature ovarian failure / diminished ovarian reserve.  I'm 10 weeks out from my miscarriage and still no sign of my period.  I gave in and had a blood test run last week to check Estradiol levels and FSH.  Given the recent hot flashes I've been experiencing, the results are not surprising:

Estradiol: undetectable
FSH: 59

I'm officially in perimenopause.

How I can go from being pregnant to menopause in one cycle is completely baffling (especially since I'd had 3 normal cycles prior to the pregnancy).  But I have.  As explained by my OB, this doesn't mean I won't have cycles again as hormone levels tend to fluctuate, but I should assume that my baby-making days are over.  I'm going to start hormone replacement therapy.

Menopause.  This is something that my Mom talks about.  That women in their 50s deal with. How am I here?

Nevertheless, I am.  Please don't think for one second that I don't count myself lucky every time I look at Blythe, think about Blythe, kiss her cheeks, hug my husband, etc.  Over the past three years we have faced infertility, failed infertility treatments, a stillborn daughter, me almost dying from a blood clot in pregnancy, a miscarriage, a myriad of health concerns, and, most importantly, the birth of our living daughter.  She is a miracle and I count my lucky stars every day for her life.

But does that change the fact that I dream of having another living child?  Not at all.

I'm an only child and I loved my childhood. I think we can give B a wonderful upbringing on her own. But I really would have liked her status as our solo living little one to have been our choice.  I'm resenting the fact that this decision has been made for me, and frankly in such a cruel way.

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I have the impression that most of my readers are here because we share the common experience of losing a baby, but if any of you out there have experience with POF/DOR. I'd love to hear your thoughts/experiences.  Have you had wild fluctuations in hormone levels?  Any advice/guidance?


12 comments:

  1. I have no wisdom to share, but just wanted to say I am so sorry. I think there's this perception that after losing a baby we should be content and happy to get a live one-- after all, we know how fragile the whole process is and how lucky we are to have a healthy baby alive in our arms. And I do feel lucky. But I too would one day like to have another child. The loss of the ability to do that is a loss. A big loss. One you are allowed to be upset about, angry about and grieve, even while feeling lucky you have an adorable little girl to love and knowing you will give her an incredible life.

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    1. Thanks so much for your comment. I really appreciate that you understand that this is a loss. I hadn't quite framed it that way in my head, but it is and I need to let myself mourn that loss. Thanks.

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  2. Oh my goodness. I'm so very sorry that the results were not better. It's so unfair that it could happen to someone so vibrant, so young. I know that it happens, but it's just not right. I don't have any tips or tricks, but I have read other blogs where they write often about using essential oils. I'm not sure about the success rates though.
    It should be your choice. Unfortunately nature sometimes overrules us. It just stinks.

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    1. I just saw your news and I am THRILLED for you. Just thrilled.

      Yeah, it is really tough news. I'll look into essential oils (I haven't delved into the internet yet to see what is out there). I'm frankly not sure what (if anything) I'm going to do. I might just call it a day on pregnancy/trying.

      Yup, nature overrules us sometimes. Such is life.

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  3. Ugh. I'm so, so sorry. I can feel the shock and hurt in your entry. I have diminished ovarian reserve/premature ovarian failure (called different things at different times). The last blood test requisitioned by my doctor indicated that I was cycling normally (but no fertility specialist would call me normal). I have short cycles and did have no periods for about 2 months recently, but then cycles restarted. I feel like menopause could start at any time and I am not prepared for it nor OK with it, despite what I know about my body. I don't have much else to say about fertility as it's been a long time since we focused on that, but will share anything else I find out and what we are doing about it on the blog in the coming months. Are donor eggs at all an option for you? We haven't ruled it out.

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    1. I know you are in a similar boat in terms of underlying conditions and thought of you when I wrote this post. I'm hoping my cycle restarts - it boggles my mind how I could go from being pregnant to having no cycles in 2 months, but here I am. I don't know about donor eggs - I'm not opposed to the idea. I think R & I need to regroup on that or adoption in the coming months.

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  4. Well that's shit. I'm so sorry. I really wish you could've made that decision for your family and not be dealing with it being made for you. It's absolutely baffling that you went from pregnant to PM in just weeks. I hate that you're dealing with this in addition to lamenting your difficult pregnancy history and of course, losing your sweet baby. I really wish none of this was as it is. :/

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    1. Thanks. Agree - baffling. I'm still shocked.

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  5. Argh. I'm so sorry. This is so unfair - and you've certainly already been dealt enough unfair issues on the medical side. Hugs.

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  6. Complete shit. I am sorry. There are so many times I wish I had control... But I just don't. I wish we had control over our bodies... But we just don't. Certainly a loss to mourn and grieve, not acute like Quinn but a loss all the same.

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    1. Yes, Heather, definitely a loss. And all the unknowns are scary... long term health effects, will B get this, etc.

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