Thursday, October 15, 2015

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

If you are reading this blog, I suspect you already know that today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day and that October is SIDS, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Month.  I know that all of us who have lost a baby or babies think of them every day, but I really love that there is a special day to honor those babies and our losses and do hope that awareness grows for these events.

Two weeks ago, we attended the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep walk in Littleton, Colorado. My parents joined us, as did a friend from my support group (and her husband and baby girl).   It was a somber experience (of course) and so wonderful to set aside a few hours to just reflect and both celebrate and allow ourselves to be sad about Quinn.  They read the names of all the babies who had been lost by attendees and it really meant to much to just hear her name.  It was heartbreaking to hear hers and so many others (and so many families with multiple names that were read).

What I didn't do that I still want to do this month is go back and look through Quinn's box (incidentally, the box that NILMDTS gave us in the hospital). I haven't looked at her photos in months and somehow I feel like I am doing a disservice to her memory.  That said, sometimes I just can't bring myself to open up the floodgates for the grief again.  I know it is good to do from time to time, but it hasn't felt like the right time yet...

I woke up to a very sweet e-mail from a friend this morning telling me she is thinking of me and attaching the image below, which is from a line of cards.  These cards were created by Dr. Jessica Zucker, a psychologist and writer who specializes in women's reproductive and maternal-fetal health.   I'm not one to drop F-bombs often, but I did appreciate the message and the statements certainly resonated with me -- it is amazing what people think will help to say.

What I'm trying to do this month is be especially joyful about my current situation (and particularly for that nugget pictured above).  I have a happy, healthy, fun, beautiful little girl and the best husband.  I have a great job and a comfortable home and life is very, very good.  Every morning when I get B from her crib, I give thanks for her and the joy she has returned to our home and our hearts.  She is such a light.  So even with the sadness that bubbles up more often than I would like, and especially this month after events like the walk, I know just how good things are.

I'm thinking of you all... while I may not know you outside of our online connection, I think of you all often, wonder how you are doing, love reading about your activities and families, and so greatly value this community that has taken me in and pulled me through some really hard times.