Wednesday, July 23, 2014

On Faith

Friday marks 15 weeks of pregnancy and also the longest stretch I've gone without an ultrasound.  I'm mostly feeling pretty relaxed, but I have moments where I want to jump in the car and zip over to my doctor's office for a peek at what this little girl is up to.  Is she moving around in there?  When will I be able to feel her?  My stomach certainly seems to be growing as if she is growing...  A fried is sending me her doppler machine (is that the right term?) so I can hear her heartbeat at home.  Has anyone used one of these?  I'm worried it might just freak me out instead as I am certain there will be times I can't find her heartbeat.

We have some acquaintances who I just found out terminated a pregnancy at 20 weeks because of severe heart abnormalities.  My heart just breaks for them.  Stories like this remind me (as if I really need a reminder) that this baby-making process is so very fragile, uncertain, and truly miraculous when it works out well and you have a healthy, living, breathing baby at the end.

After we lost L, I joined a support group for women with recent losses.  It was such a lifeline during the first 8 weeks and the women continue to be dear friends.  In one of our sessions, we had to write a letter to someone with whom our relationship had changed as a result of our loss.  I wrote to my husband, but two of the women wrote to God and wrote about how they were having so much trouble believing in God after such a horrific event had occurred in their lives.

Interestingly (at least to me), I've had the opposite experience and I've spent a lot of time thinking about it lately.  I've never been particularly religious.  I wouldn't say I didn't believe in God, but I also don't attend church or like to put my hope and faith in someone or something intangible.  I'm just being honest here, so I really hope this doesn't offend anyone.  That said, since we lost L, I have had a renewed sense of faith and hope.  I have been praying.  And I think a lot more about a greater power existing in the world.  And I hope that L is in a nice place - I really can't fathom it being any other way.

I'm not sure what to make of these feelings yet in terms of how I might change my life to accommodate them in the future (e.g., by joining a church), but for now it feels really good and right to pray.

I just re-read this post and realize it is all over the place, but thanks for sticking with me :)

10 comments:

  1. It's such a scary moment when you have to give up all the frequent ultrasounds and just have faith that your body is doing what it's supposed to do. I was considering getting a Doppler, but I think I would literally use it all day long and that's probably not the healthiest way to cope.

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    1. Nina, your comment made me laugh out loud. You are right that it might turn me into a crazy person who is sneaking off to the bathroom at work to listen for a heartbeat instead of going to a meeting. I'll have to try to keep myself in check!

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  2. I had a Doppler with my first rainbow pregnancy and it was a sanity saver. There were days when I was extra anxious and used it 5+ times! but it really! really helped me. Now I can't wait until I'm far enough along with this baby to use it again. It was such a help in the early days before I could feel my daughter move. Oh, and in the middle of the night when I'd wake up in a panic. Buy a big thing of aloe to use instead of the expensive ultrasound jelly. I got a huge thing of it at Walgreens and it worked just as good as the real jelly stuff!

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    1. Kate, glad to hear you found it helpful and thanks for the tip about aloe. I'm still pre-movement so I think the doppler will be great until I can feel some reassuring kicks and pushes. I cannot wait for that phase.

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  3. Yay, 15 weeks! it is hard to go for a long time in between "check ins". When you start to feel baby move that will help a lot. I hope the Doppler gives lots of joy and reassurance!

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    1. I cannot wait to start feeling her move and hopefully I can figure out how to work the doppler so it can be reassuring, too :) I'm desperately resisting the urge to schedule a u/s for next week.

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  4. Yay for 15 weeks. Let me know how you like the doppler. I might have to get one if I get my BFP.

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    1. Jessah, I'm thinking WHEN you get your BFP :) I will definitely report in on how I like the doppler with hopes that it doesn't send me to the ER in a panic...

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  5. Yay! Congrats on 15 weeks! I hear you hon. I hate going so long between appointments too. It's such agony! I've been very tempted to get a home doppler and have almost ordered one a few times, but worry over not being able to find the heartbeat and getting stressed. I've been feeling some movement, but not a lot yet. I agree, we'll have some real peace of mind once we can feel these little ones move for real!

    I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. Its so funny what losses like these (and ours) does to people's faith. I'm with you, losing my son only strengthened my relationship with God. I guess for me, it's because I just feel in my heart that my son is still with me and with God now, and because of that, my faith is stronger than ever.

    Hugs hon <3 Hope all goes well at your next appointment and can't wait for your next update!

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    1. I *may* be going in for a u/s today... I was feeling really anxious last night and they had an opening for me. I'm crazy! So glad you are feeling movement and can't wait until I get there, too. I agree - what this can do to your faith seems to be different for everyone. I'm happy to not have lost something else as a result of this (in addition to L).

      Hugs to you, too! Here's to another week.

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