I can't believe I'm about to write these words again.... I am the tiniest bit pregnant. I had a positive home pregnancy test on Monday. I just had a feeling and the feeling was apparently accurate. Tuesday and Thursday I had HCG betas and they came back at 285 and 625, respectively.
Today is my last day at work and we leave for Hawaii in just over two weeks. If my beta looks good on Monday, I'll have an ultrasound the week after Christmas, just a few days before we leave. I'm having déjà vu to March of this year when I had decent betas and then there was no heartbeat at the ultrasound and I'm desperately trying to not be too optimistic out of self-preservation. We are in the midst of Christmas parties and celebrations and I'm going to have to do a better job of hiding the fact that I'm not having a drink. I'm avoiding thinking about what we'll do if the ultrasound looks good because it will mean coordinating health care around the world, tracking down Lovenox, etc. I know it will be fine and that people have healthy babies everywhere, it just seems daunting. I know what to do here -- I don't know what to do in, say, Japan.
Oddly, I didn't tell R the news for over 24 hours. I feel the same way about telling my parents, who we'll have to tell because we are spending Christmas with them and they'll know when I don't have a drink (my Mom has an uncanny sixth sense for pregnancy and has guessed every time, long before I was planning to tell her). I am convinced it won't work out again and that I'll disappoint everyone all over again (everyone and myself).
I had to tell someone what was going on, so here I am sharing it in my "safe space."
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!