Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Thanksgiving & Clomid Cycle

Happy Thanksgiving, friends!  We are back from a week-long trip to Boston that was mostly really enjoyable.  We saw a ton of friends and family and even did some city exploration, including one day where I had the day to myself in Boston with nothing to do and it was glorious.  You all know I love B more than anything in the world but man was six hours alone in a city so incredibly rejuvenating and fun.  I went shopping, had a quiet lunch, sipped coffee, walked, and just thought about... who knows what?!  I'm feeling like a bullet-point list is the way to go today to share more about my Clomid cycle and about life in general:

Fertility Update

  • I'm halfway into my first cycle on Clomid.  The Clomid didn't affect me at all. I was particularly worried because my father-in-law knows how to push my buttons and I didn't want to be emotionally a wreck around him but I actually felt quite good.  I'm very thankful for that knowing what some friends have experienced while taking Clomid.
  • Since we were traveling, I couldn't be monitored at all so I have no idea if it did any good and we couldn't draw day 3 labs.  Next cycle we will if that happens before we leave for our trip.
  • Dr. A did draw my AMH the last time I was in and it was 0.23.  I know this is still a terrible number, but mine has always been undetectable (which I am told means below 0.1) so I'm taking that as a positive sign, even if the improvement is infinitesimal.  We'll check FSH and do a follicle count with the next cycle.
  • I have no expectation that I'll get pregnant this cycle, but I'm feeling good, I had EWCM, and according to the OPKs, I ovulated.  
General Update
  • If I hadn't miscarried this spring, I'd be due now.  I'm having a harder time with this than I expected.
  • Every one of our friends in Boston seems to have just had a 2nd or 3rd baby, is pregnant with a 2nd or 3rd, or already has 3 children. When did 3 become the new 2?  
  • We had dinner with friends who we don't keep in touch with regularly who have a daughter 4 months younger than B.  They had trouble getting pregnant with #1 but she surprised us and is 6 months pregnant with #2.  I always thought of them as our friends who might, like us, just have one, and who understood what a struggle having a family could be.  I know two babies don't erase that struggle, but seeing her pregnant belly made me have a minor meltdown.  
  • I may finally be accepting that pregnancy will never be an easy topic for me and will always trigger jealousy and other unpleasant emotions and I probably just need to figure out how to manage and accept those feelings.  I thought I might feel differently after having B, but it isn't entirely true.

To end on a happy note, I LOVE the holiday season and B is SO excited about Christmas, the tree, snow, candy canes, stars, etc.  Even though we are running around like crazy trying to get everything ready to leave for a year, it is going to be a great holiday season.


  1. Glad to hear the Clomid cycle hasn't caused you much grief so far! I wasn't aware of it creating a lot of new symptoms either, though I think it makes some of my regular ones worse.

    I understand the negative feelings around pregnancy and especially 2nd or 3rd pregnancies. But especially easily achieved pregnancies. I'm very sensitive about anything to do with siblings right now too. AJ was saying something about "brother and sister" the other day and I wanted to say don't, you'll break my heart. It just really sucks not knowing if it's possible or will ever happen.

    You day alone sounds lovely: I too like to have the time to kick back and do whatever strikes my fancy: it is definitely a luxury now!

    1. I totally hear you on the sibling thing. I don't even like reading books with siblings because it reminds me that B probably won't have one. Plus, all the questions about when we will have another!

  2. Those pregnancy feelings are impossible. I completely agree about three becoming the new two! WTH?

    I was curious about some friends we had in Chicago, so I looked them up on FB only to find their profile picture being a pregnancy announcement. And just like that, I closed the page and went to bed. Even at almost 3 years from proclaiming we are done, I'm still not done having mini meltdowns about the simplicity of pregnancy to some people.

    I am hopeful with you. Positive numbers are always better than undetectable in this case and that's at least progress in itself.

    Sending you love as this season progresses and you think about another loss. I'm right there with you, feeling each and every day creep closer to the six year mark.

    1. Agree - I think those feelings may be hard for many, many years.

      Six years. Wow. I'll be thinking of you, too, and thanks for your kind words.

  3. One of my high school friends just announced her second pregnancy and it was like a gut punch. I know they had a bit of trouble conceiving their first, she has PCOS, but I haven't kept in touch with her since then so not sure how hard or not hard conceiving #2 was. Either way, it was hard to see. I definitely thought I'd be pregnant or have a baby by now, and I'm nowhere near it. I agree with you, I think pregnancy will ALWAYS be a trigger for me, even after I do have a family some day.

    That is awesome news the clomid helped you ovulate!! I think that is a great sign! Crossing my fingers for you.

    1. I try to imagine what I'll feel like at, say, 50 when people tell me they are pregnant. Will it be easier then? I hope so.

  4. I'm glad your Clomid cycle hasn't been too bad, and that you are feeling good and had a nice holiday!
    And, ugh, I hear you on the three is the new two. I have a former co-worker, whom I'm still in touch with, that has FOUR. I try not to be resentful about it, as it's not their family's fault that I've had trouble, but man! Is it wrong that on bad days, when I see the four beautiful girls in my Facebook feed, I feel as if they are greedy?!?! Some days it hits worse than others. After struggles and losses I think the feelings are only natural so I try to cut myself some slack. But it's hard. Pregnancy and baby bumps may always be a trigger.

    1. It isn't wrong to feel any way. After everything you've been through, it seems only human to me. Totally agree that pregnancy and bumps may always be a trigger. I guess that is life...