Tuesday, December 20, 2016

Manchester by the Sea & HCG

First things first - I had my HCG checked again on Monday and it was 3,510, which is well within the range we'd like to see.  So far, so good. I have an ultrasound scheduled for the 27th.  I'm terrified, but at least there are a million incredible things to distract me between now and then.  Plus, B's birthday is the 28th and Q's anniversary is the 30th so, again, distractions.  But I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I'm so very excited by the possibility of this baby.

I officially finished work last Friday so this Monday was my first day without a job in... I can't remember.  Since the summer before I went to law school?  It feels odd, but in the best way possible. R and I celebrated by going to see the first movie we've seen in a theater since before B was born.  Rob chose Manchester by the Sea, which gets incredible reviews and I was so excited to see.  We lived in Boston for years and R grew up and went to college there so we are always into the Boston-based movies.

Anyway (I'm rambling, sorry).  Has anyone else seen this?  It was fantastic - one of the best movies I have seen in years.  That said, I cried through basically the entire movie. I won't give anything away, but suffice it to say that there are some serious triggers in this movie related to loss - no one loses a baby in utero but the story is heart wrenching and it left me feeling deflated and sad and incredibly introspective for almost 48 hours (and I'm still thinking about it, but I'm not on the verge of tears at any moment, which is an improvement from yesterday).

What hit home the most was a scene where the main character (who has dealt with unimaginable tragedy in his life) says, "I can't beat it.  I can't beat it."  He's referring to this overwhelming grief and sadness and guilt and the fact that he has given up on life.  It made me terribly sad on many levels, but the hardest being that I understood how he was feeling.  It seems akin to people referring to "the other side" after baby loss -- "You'll get to the other side of this."  And now, almost 3 years later, I know we did get to the "other side."  I'm not the same person, my marriage isn't the same (it's better), and my life is totally different, but I have so much happiness in my heart again.  But I remember moments where I didn't believe that feeling happy again was possible and so when this totally broken character (Casey Affleck's character) is saying he can't beat it, I get it.  And I know there are people who never "beat it."  And it broke my heart.

Apologies for the completely random post.  The movie was just incredibly intense, plus I am hormonal and this is both a wonderful and difficult time of year.  I think about Q often and replay the days and events leading to her death rethinking what I could have done differently at so many junctures.  It amazes me how vivid the memories of that time are still -- I expect they always will be.  Amidst all the joy I'm feeling and my love of Christmas, this will forever be a hard time of year.

Thanks for sticking it out and reading this post :)  I'd love to know if anyone else has seen the movie and felt similarly?


  1. My husband and I saw Manchester by the Sea a couple of weeks ago for date night, and I apologized profusely to him afterward even though we both thought it was amazing. It was the most accurate, crushing depiction of grief that I have seen in a movie. And yes, that line, I nearly had to leave the theater because I was about to do the ugly cry very loudly.

    In my day to day, I no longer think much about those early days after my daughter's death, but that movie took me right back.

    1. Oh, Sarah - YES! I was that person in the theater sobbing in a big, ugly way. You know, I think I'm similar in that I often don't replay what happened leading up to Q's death and what happened thereafter, but the movie did the exact same thing to me. Seriously a fantastic movie in the way it depicted grief and I am glad I saw it, I just wish I had waited for a few weeks to get through this time of year.

      Thanks for sharing your thoughts and glad to hear I'm not the only one...

  2. Good news re: hcg and glad you are able to feel excited. I am on fourth (final?) Clomid cycle and it's looking like the odd one out of the lot: 5 (so far) days of positive OPKs (never had more than 2). Yesterday's was the "most positive" so I'm hoping that is THE positive and I see a temp rise asap. Any number of things could be messed up but your story gives me a little hope at least. The movie sounds good, though a little too weepy for me at present: think I'll stick to the new Star Wars movie lol!

    1. Oooh, this all sounds very positive about your cycle. I'd definitely stick to Star Wars - this was a bit too much to handle.

      Fingers crossed for you this cycle...

  3. I heard about this movie and the triggers! And yet, now I feel even more compelled to see it. I haven't seen a movie in the theaters (aside from kiddo movies) since the first Hunger Games. Mmmm Hmmm.