Monday, March 28, 2016

So Much for Luck

We went for a 6-week ultrasound today.  We could see a gestational sac but no yolk sac or fetal pole or heartbeat.  Either my timing is off (unlikely) in terms of date count or I am going to have a miscarriage.  I'm sure it is the latter -- I'm pretty positive on ovulation date and I know that what we saw today is not good news.  I know the u/s tech very well and she was very sweet about it and reminded me that 33% of pregnancies end in miscarriage and that what this likely means is that something is/was wrong.

I am crushed.  This is not how I felt when we lost Q, of course. But I'd be lying if I hadn't already been thinking about this baby and what he/she would be like, how different our lives would be come November, etc.  Even though I told myself not to, I'd been making plans.

Don't I know better by know?

Everything does feel different with B at home. I snuggled her extra long this morning before the appointment and I'm going to head home early to see her tonight.  I know how lucky we are to have her and how much joy she brings to us.

Nevertheless, I'm quite sad.

We'll do a repeat ultrasound next Monday unless I start bleeding between now and then and decide next steps then.


14 comments:

  1. Oh D. I'm so so sorry. I had a miscarriage after Finn, before Mary. So I know a little of the pain you're feeling. Not like losing Quinn or Cale, but pain none the less. You maybe didn't lose a person but you lost the hope of that person and that's hard. (Mine was October of 2012 if you want to read when I blogged about it - though I think nose blogs are Nov/Dec of that year).

    In the meantime, holding you close to heart my friend. I'm sad with you.

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    1. Thanks, Caroline. You are so sweet and I'm so sorry to hear you went through this, too. I'm reading back through those archives now. I agree with what you said -- better now than much, much later in the pregnancy. The sonographer reminded me that it probably means something wasn't right and this is much easier to handle than having to make a choice or dealing with something farther down the road.

      But as you know, it doesn't make it feel any better.

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  2. Oh no, so sorry. :-( I know you really wanted this pregnancy, this baby. It is heartbreaking.

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    1. Thanks. I was okay when I got the news, but now I'm sitting at my desk trying to hide while crying. Such is life, I suppose...

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  3. Oh no. I'm so sorry to hear that. Sending you much love.

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  4. I'm sorry this has happened... It's hard to swallow after you open yourself up and allow a bit of hope. But I tend to agree that it's better to find out earlier. But I wish this hadn't happened at all. Sending you love and light.

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    1. Yes, definitely better now than 10 weeks from now (or longer). Thanks for the love and the light, it means a lot.

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  5. I was afraid when I saw the title... I'm so sorry. There's nothing that can make it feel better because despite what we all tell ourselves, we always dream of what things will be like. It's completely natural. I also had a blighted ovum miscarriage before I was pregnant with Benjamin. I had just lost Andrew 6 months prior and my first pregnancy after was another loss. I miscarried naturally, had a D&C (though was unnecessary) and then didn't even wait for another period before getting pregnant with Benjamin. I was in such despair.

    I'm so happy you have B. You know what it's like to lose, but man... it still always hurts. And you still wonder. I'm sorry. :(

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    1. I can only imagine how you felt after losing Andrew and then having the blighted ovum. If this happened to me right after Q, it might have broken me. You give me hope :) Maybe we'll get lucky again?

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  6. Oh crap. I am sorry to read that you are going through this

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    1. Thanks, Julia. I knew it was possible (always, right?) but I just let myself get my hopes up too much. I'll never learn...

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  7. Oh no. I am so sorry to hear this. I was so hoping for you!

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    1. Me, too, Heather, me, too. I'm trying to keep my chin up and am snuggling B extra hard.

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