Homeland

We've finally settled into our home enough to find time in the evening to watch a show and Homeland Season 6 is the show of choice.  Peter Quinn returns in this season as a central character and it made me think about how I can trace so much of what has happened in the past 4 years to which seasons of Homeland we were watching (I know, it is ridiculous).

We were watching Season 1 while I was pregnant with Q and it's where we first heard the name Quinn, which ultimately became our first daughter's name.  It's a character's last name, but we fell in love with it and thought it would be perfect for our little girl, which it is.  After Quinn died, we returned home in a cloud of grief and I recall binge watching Seasons 2 and 3 when it was easier to lose myself in a TV show than to allow myself to obsess over everything going terribly wrong in our life.  We watched Season 4 in the weeks leading up to B's birth and in her first days at home (I was so worried about watching it while she slept on my chest because it's so violent - I'm pretty sure she couldn't even make out my face at that point).

I am, miraculously, still pregnant and here we are watching Season 6.  It's a wonderful distraction from obsessing over miscarriage rates (I have visited this site more times than I'd like to admit), possible chromosomal abnormalities, blood clots, and the myriad ways in which a pregnancy can go awry.  I haven't allowed myself to worry too much thus far, mostly because I've been trying to pretend this isn't happening in an effort to protect myself.  We all know that never works.  I'm hugely invested in this pregnancy and the swell of joy I feel at each ultrasound when I see those little arms and legs moving and listen to the baby's heartbeat is truly incredible.  Today was no exception.  I am officially a patient of my regular OB now instead of my RE and today I got to see this tiny person bopping around in my belly and measuring 10 weeks with a heartbeat of 170 bpm.

R and I have literally exchanged 10 words on the topic and he hasn't been to an appointment yet (I felt superstitious and wanted to go alone), but he'll join me next week (my regular OB wants to see me weekly through the first trimester).  I've been feeling okay - definitely strong aversions to certain foods, some nausea, and exhaustion.  I caught strep throat last week, which hit me like a ton of bricks.  Thankfully, you can take penicillin when pregnant and I'm already feeling much better.

I'm also likely to commit to a new job this week and since I feel so uncertain about this pregnancy, I'm trying to not let myself ponder what it would mean to start a new job at 12 weeks pregnant.  Instead, I'm focusing on making B's Halloween costume, enjoying this luxurious period where I have childcare and no job, seeing friends, and relaxing.... and trying to take this all one day at a time.

First Ultrasound

I had my first ultrasound last week at what I thought would be 7 weeks from ovulation.  It wasn't until 1 PM so the day was dominated by me feeling intensely anxious.  By the time I was waiting in the doctor's office, my heart was beating out of my chest and my blood pressure was really high.  Thankfully, this ultrasound was with my RE's office and pretty much every woman having an ultrasound there is terrified so she didn't waste any time.

I first saw the heartbeat, which made me breath a sigh of relief.  Baby measured 7 weeks and 2 days with a heartbeat of 148 bpm.  My RE said everything looked "great" and we'll check again at 9 weeks, at which point I would be related to my high-risk OB.

Disbelief is definitely a leading emotion I'm feeling and of course I'm hesitated to feel excited.  I'm allowing some room for hope but remaining cautious.  My college roommate is visiting this weekend and we were supposed to run a trail 1/2 marathon in the mountains, which I bowed out of at my doctor's orders.  I have felt utterly exhausted and nauseated, which I take as good signs.  K and I stayed the night in Salida, Colorado before our race.  It was my first night away from R&B since we left on our trip and it was actually incredibly relaxing and just what I needed.  Plus, the leaves are starting to change in the mountains and I was reminded of why I love living in Colorado so much.

So... that's the news for now.  Next u/s is September 28th.  Fingers (and legs) crossed.

Beta Check

I finally called my RE and told the nurse about the positive pregnancy test.  I had two HCG blood tests last week - the first was 1339 (4 weeks, 2 days) and the second was 5346 (4 weeks, 5 days).  I originally wasn't scheduled to have a first ultrasound until 9 weeks, but I called and explained that after two early losses, my anxiety levels will be through the roof waiting that long.  So, I'll go in around 7 weeks for an ultrasound.  I took another test today for good measure, too:

I could call my normal OB and go in whenever I want to for an ultrasound, but I'm feeling superstitious and like I wouldn't mind doing things differently this time.  Rationally, I know it makes no difference whatsoever, but it feels better at this point to do things differently.  I've resumed Lovenox and definitely feel pregnant - tired, nauseated, bloated, and hormonal.  We are still operating as if nothing has changed around here, though - R and I haven't discussed it at all (literally, not at all - that probably sounds odd, but that's how we handle these things), I'm going to my workout classes, looking for a new job, etc.   

So, that is the Labor Day update from these parts.  It's so nice to be home and we feel more settled by the day.  This week we set up B's playroom and most of the unpacking is done.  She's in her big girl bed (although not sleeping through the night, which is taking its toll) and loves having her teepee set up in the playroom. Today we had an Olivia reading party, which included six Olivia books, plus her Olivia doll.  This morning she crawled into bed with us at 6 AM and just before 8 AM when she woke up, I was lying in bed just watching her sleep.  B looked peaceful and serene and just so beautiful.  Regardless of how this pregnancy turns out, I know I am incredibly lucky to have her in my life.

Groundhog Day

We've been home for a month, which is hard to believe.  We repainted the inside of the house, installed wood floors in rooms where we previously had carpet, and are only now back in our house (we had to live with my parents while the floors were being done).  Truthfully, this past month has been utterly exhausting, even though I'm thrilled with how the house looks.  B's sleeping is a total mess (more on that in a separate post) so we are all exhausted.

I have been back to acupuncture a few times and have had two sessions of Mayan abdominal massage, which also includes a regular massage, which I thoroughly enjoy.

And over the weekend, this happened:

You all know that I know better than to get excited.  I told R that I'd had a positive test and he just said, "okay."  We are both carrying on as if it didn't happen.  I had a HCG beta drawn today, as well as progesterone, so we'll see where those are tomorrow.

In any event, I feel silly even writing about this because I've had so many failed pregnancies.  I feel like a broken record or the girl who cried wolf.  But somewhere, deep down inside of me, I feel the tiniest glimmer of hope.  I don't want to let myself feel it, but I do.

So there it is. My August update.

And.... we're back!

Just like that, we are back in the United States.  We were gone for seven months and traveled, literally, around the world heading west.  We're back in Colorado now and settling into our home, having some renovations done, and trying to get B to understand that this time "home" actually means our real home where we'll stay for quite awhile.  She seems confused, which isn't surprising.

Being home also means I'm thinking more about next steps for trying to get pregnant again.  I've been feeling well for the last two cycles and am enjoying such feeling like me for the first time in awhile.  Tomorrow I have an appointment with my RE followed by an introductory visit with an herbalist and massage therapist who specializes in fertility.  It sounds a bit odd, but I'm willing to try anything and refuse to leave a stone unturned -- it's that glimmer of hope that is both a blessing and a curse when it comes to infertility.  I'm also going to get back on my acupuncturist's calendar.   I know I'm nearing a time when this door will close for permanently but I'll be damned if I don't do everything possible before then.

In any event, we'll see what happens.  I'm happy to be home.

P.M.A.

Enjoying the beach in Okinawa

My Dad was my high school soccer coach, which had some perks but also a great many downsides, mostly relating to accusations of favoritism and him being particularly hard on me (because he wanted me to be the best I could be, but still).  In any event, one of his favorite acronyms was P.M.A., for "positive mental attitude."  Having a positive outlook on life is not something I've had trouble with until the last few years.  And a few weeks ago, I made a decision to make a change.

As those of you who have been reading know, I've been feeling terrible about my body lady, I'm been having perimenopausal symptoms, and my mood has been all over the place.  I hate feeling this way, but I wasn't doing much to fix it and I realized I was being whiny and downtrodden and not appreciating what I have.

There was a triggering event for this wake up call that came out of nowhere.  I receive the GOOP newsletter, and while I normally delete it straight away, last week something caught my eye.  There was an article whose subtitle mentioned hormone imbalance and is on the GOOP site here.  Hormone imbalance!  That's me!  I immediately clicked through, read the article, downloaded the Dr. Sara Gottfried's book The Hormone Cure, and read it in one night.  It reminded me of when I read It Starts with the Egg a few years ago and immediately overhauled our house (no BPA, glass containers), my toiletries and cosmetics, and my supplement and vitamin protocol.  I just had this feeling like, "Hey! I want to feel better. I know I'm not doing everything in my power to feel better right now and how lame is that? Just do it."  When I wanted to improve egg quality, I did EVERYTHING I could.  And why am I not doing that now?

In any event, I ordered $350 of supplements and vitamins that will hopefully be waiting for me at the Westin in Tokyo next week before we fly to Amsterdam.  I've signed up for a marathon and started running regularly and using this app I love called SWORKIT (it has workouts that will make you sweat that require no equipment, including yoga and pilates), plus I created an Instagram account where I'm posting about my running, which helps me stay motivated (@rundarcyedenrun if you are interested).  We've been making a point of being in bed at 9:30 PM and lights out at 10:00 PM, which means I feel rested in the morning no matter what time B wakes up.  I'll resume regular acupuncture and massage once we are home (that's tough to do on the road).  I've started keeping a gratitude log in my Bullet Journal.  I've stopped drinking and am reducing carbs/gluten and treats/dessert. I find that on the road it is easy to see all of this travel as "vacation," which means have a drink at night! Have dessert!  Have a mid-afternoon ice cream! The trouble is, that vacation is many months long and not two weeks so it has taken its toll.

I'm two weeks in to making these changes and I feel so much better.  I had this realization that I have been singularly focused on trying to get pregnant, grieving Q, being pregnant and thus anxious, or dealing with a miscarriage for almost FIVE YEARS (it will be five years in October from when we first started trying to have babies).  FIVE YEARS.  I've lost myself in so many ways during this time and I'm ready to get myself back.  I feel like a better Mom, wife, and happier person and I'm so excited to keep this up.

Okay, so I think I sound a little crazy and possibly a little manic, but I really do just feel better.  P.M.A.!

I'll leave you with two things that happened in the last week.

Jizo Statues in Kyoto

First, I found my Jizo for Baby L / Q!  I read this NYT article "The Japanese Art of Grieving a Miscarriage" and knew that when we were in Japan, I wanted to find one of my own to have at home.  In Japan, these small figurines honor the souls of babies who were never born.  I'd been looking since we arrived, but hadn't seen any (I am positive I was just not looking in the right place).  Last week, we finished a lovely day of biking and rode by a shop with lots of figurines on display outside.  We pulled over on our bikes and there in front of the shop next to a fountain were all of these little Jizo statues.  I picked one out and have it carefully wrapped to bring home.

Second, I bought ovulation predictor tests.  This required a great deal of Googling, searching many drug stores, and ultimately showing photos of what I wanted to employees and asking for help.  I finally found them and actually purchasing them requires taking an empty box to the front of the store, someone going to a back room to get them, and then several layers of bags and packaging being wrapped around them (this is standard in Japan and not specific to the OPKs, but still amusing).  I haven't tried to use them yet, but hopefully I can interpret the lines on the tests (they don't have the smily faces like at home).  It was a funny thing to search for in a country where nothing is written in English.  I do very much miss the convenience and anonymity of Amazon Prime.
 

Spring in Japan

We've now been in Japan for 3 weeks and just settled into a home in Kyoto for two weeks. I listened to a podcast while running this week of an interview of a woman who traveled with her family of 5 around the world for 9 months.  She talked about how they had "slow and low" periods where they stayed put for an extended period of time.  2 weeks isn't that long, but it sounds like an eternity right now and I'm thrilled that we can explore Kyoto at our own pace.  We rented a bike with a kid's seat (and have another that came with our airbnb), we have a kitchen and I cooked dinner tonight, and I'm looking forward to having some "normal" days.  Today we found an awesome playground just a 5 minute walk from our house, too.

I'm still feeling all mixed up about pregnancies, babies, siblings, etc.  I have 2 rounds of Clomid with me and I decided to take one round this month because -- why not?  If I don't take it, I'm just toting it around the world for no reason.  I feel fine but it doesn't seem to be working as well this time around (based only on the fact that last time I had a lot of EWCM and I'm not having that as much this time around).  I'm taking COQ10, but not DHEA.  I just don't like how it makes me feel and I worry that I've taken too much of it these past few years.  Honestly, I feel pretty hopeless on the pregnancy front right now and maybe that's okay?  Perhaps I'm coming to grips with reality and acceptance is around the corner?  We'll see.

An aspect of our trip that has been very difficult for me is the utter lack of alone time.  I'm outgoing and enjoy spending time with friends, socializing, etc., but there is part of me that is extremely introverted. I love and need to be alone for some period of time each day and I am just not getting that.  With B not napping and spending every day with R, it's been challenging and I know it i isn't helping how I feel about pregnancy, myself, my body, etc.  I'm getting far afield from wanting another child here, but I have realized that not getting some time to myself is making me a worse wife and mother, making me less patient, and shortening my fuse when it comes to B, well, acting like a toddler!  I've started running every day, which I do alone, so hopefully that helps, and I'm hoping for some solo exploration time in the coming days.  

All of that said, I struggle lately with knowing why I'm feeling a certain way or what is impacting the strength of those emotions.  Is it hormonal imbalance?  Is it lack of alone time?  Is it the inconsistency and lack of routine that comes from travel?  Is it just how I'm feeling?  I don't know.

To end this on a happy note, the days are filled more often with happiness and joy than anything else, so I don't want to sound ungrateful or unhappy - I'm not.  I'm just parsing through what I am feeling, which I don't get to do these days with a girlfriend over coffee or wine, or with a therapist, which is probably what I should be doing...

Also, I wrote before about Sheryl Sandberg's heartbreaking missive after her husband's death.  She just published a book about grief and loss and finding strength in such circumstances called Option B.  I've just downloaded it, but in case you missed the news...

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