Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Finding Out Gender after a Loss

With my DOR, if we make it to 12 weeks with this miracle pregnancy, we'll get a Maternit21 test done.  Part of the results include being able to find out the gender of the baby.  With L, we found out she was a girl just after 12 weeks (on my 33rd birthday, in fact).  I didn't care one way or the other before we found out... in fact, when my husband read the card and announced she was a girl, my first thought was "I hope I don't pass along my fertility issues to her."

But after losing L, I have a vision of what our family was going to look like with her in it.  When I think about our family, I think about us having a little girl.  Of course that little girl is L, so any future baby would be different, but the idea is there.  Truly, all I want is a healthy pregnancy and living baby at the end... but I'd be lying if I didn't admit to thinking a lot about the gender of this baby.  How will I feel if it is a boy?  Or if it is a girl? Should I find out early again?  Should we just be surprised if we get to that point?

Has anyone grappled with knowing the gender after a loss?  Any thoughts or advice on finding out vs. waiting?  Ultimately, I know that if I get to hold a living, breathing baby in just over 7 months, I won't care at all.  But in this time period of waiting and over-thinking, I'm seemingly obsessed.  I'd love to hear from anyone who has been through something similar.


  1. We found out with both my son, Drew, who was stillborn and my rainbow daughter ahead of time. Drew was stillborn at 37.5 weeks and I'm so thankful I was able to know him as Drew and not the baby in my belly. So, when we were expecting our daughter, I wanted to find out again, because I was terrified of another stillbirth and wanted to make sure I had as much time with "her" as possible, getting to know her as Olivia, and not just the baby in my stomach.

    1. Kate, thank you for sharing. I actually hadn't thought about it this way at all and now it seems so logical. I loved knowing L was a girl and thinking of her as a person and felt so much more connected knowing she was a girl for whatever reason. I think your approach makes a lot of sense.

      Separately, I am so, so sorry to hear about the loss of Drew. Every time I hear another story of stillbirth, it brings tears to my eyes. Thanks for stopping by to comment, it means a lot to me.