Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Finding Out Gender after a Loss


With my DOR, if we make it to 12 weeks with this miracle pregnancy, we'll get a Maternit21 test done.  Part of the results include being able to find out the gender of the baby.  With L, we found out she was a girl just after 12 weeks (on my 33rd birthday, in fact).  I didn't care one way or the other before we found out... in fact, when my husband read the card and announced she was a girl, my first thought was "I hope I don't pass along my fertility issues to her."

But after losing L, I have a vision of what our family was going to look like with her in it.  When I think about our family, I think about us having a little girl.  Of course that little girl is L, so any future baby would be different, but the idea is there.  Truly, all I want is a healthy pregnancy and living baby at the end... but I'd be lying if I didn't admit to thinking a lot about the gender of this baby.  How will I feel if it is a boy?  Or if it is a girl? Should I find out early again?  Should we just be surprised if we get to that point?

Has anyone grappled with knowing the gender after a loss?  Any thoughts or advice on finding out vs. waiting?  Ultimately, I know that if I get to hold a living, breathing baby in just over 7 months, I won't care at all.  But in this time period of waiting and over-thinking, I'm seemingly obsessed.  I'd love to hear from anyone who has been through something similar.

2 comments:

  1. We found out with both my son, Drew, who was stillborn and my rainbow daughter ahead of time. Drew was stillborn at 37.5 weeks and I'm so thankful I was able to know him as Drew and not the baby in my belly. So, when we were expecting our daughter, I wanted to find out again, because I was terrified of another stillbirth and wanted to make sure I had as much time with "her" as possible, getting to know her as Olivia, and not just the baby in my stomach.

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    1. Kate, thank you for sharing. I actually hadn't thought about it this way at all and now it seems so logical. I loved knowing L was a girl and thinking of her as a person and felt so much more connected knowing she was a girl for whatever reason. I think your approach makes a lot of sense.

      Separately, I am so, so sorry to hear about the loss of Drew. Every time I hear another story of stillbirth, it brings tears to my eyes. Thanks for stopping by to comment, it means a lot to me.

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