A Visit to the Reproductive Endocrinologist

Yesterday I visited with a RE for the first time since I was pregnant with Baby B.  I had an appointment with her in August, but then she switched practices so this was the first I could see her, which is a bummer since I now will only have one (maybe two) cycles before we leave for our trip.   I knew when we planned our trip that I was giving up pursuing aggressive fertility treatments and I just need to be at peace with that.

Back to the appointment.  Dr. A agreed that aggressive IVF is really not going to work for me since IVF is a numbers game and I'm not likely to get many eggs and the ones I get are likely to be poor quality.  I'm not really interested in IVF from a mental or physical perspective anyway.  What she was willing to try and thought was worth a shot (and is not that expensive, which is a nice bonus), is doing one cycle on Clomid and then one cycle on Clomid + injectibles depending on how I feel and respond the firs time around.  We leave for Thanksgiving on Friday for a week, so Clomid is my only option this cycle since I'll be in Boston and can't be monitored.  So, today is cycle day 1 and on Thursday I'll start taking Clomid.

I've heard terrible things about how it can make you feel, but my RE said the side effects are akin to menopausal symptoms.   For those of you who have taken Clomid, how did it make you feel?  Hopefully I'll be able to keep me s*it together while we are back east with family and friends.  

If I manage to have a normal-ish cycle after this one, I'll have one more chance before we leave to do a Clomid + injectibles cycle that is monitored and maybe do an IUI.

The odds of success are seriously low (less than 5%). I have to laugh at that because, seriously, that is  basically zero.  Not quite, but basically,  But here we go.  I know I won't regret trying but I will regret not trying (and am already regretting not making this appointment happen sooner).  

By the way, I love Dr. A (she just joined so new practice name and website are forthcoming - male Dr. A who works there is fantastic, too).  She sat down and talked with me for 45 minutes.  She came out to the lobby to meet me herself, which has *never* happened before.  She answered all of my questions.  She was thoughtful, compassionate, clear in her explanations, and realistic.  I cannot recommend her enough if you are in Colorado and I, literally, have been to every fertility clinic in the greater Denver area.      

For those of you (if there are any) who are reading this and still hoping, praying, yearning, and trying for your first baby, may I just say that I so vividly recall those feelings of desperation and returning to the RE brought them all flooding back.  I even commented to Dr. A how differently it felt being there with a living, breathing child at home but that the overwhelming sadness and hopelessness is a feeling I can always dredge up again.  My heart aches for another child, but there is no doubt that having B at home makes this process more bearable.  I really hope I'm not writing anything offensive or hurtful -- what I want to convey is that my heart just goes out to those still yearning for #1 because it is different.  There were two couples in the waiting room yesterday who had children with them and while I was able to smile and joke with them a bit, I noticed another couple sitting nearby and I thought the woman was going to burst into tears at any second.  I vividly recall being in RE waiting rooms and thinking HOW IS IT POSSIBLE THEY ALLOW PEOPLE TO BRING CHILDREN HERE?   It just seemed so cruel.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  

Time Marches On

How is it November?  October was filled with all the fun activities that one gets to attend when you have a small child who is mesmerized by all things Halloween.  Pumpkins!  Bats!  Ghosts!  Lights!  Seriously, I had no idea how much better fall would be with a toddler.  Plus, in my humble opinion, B seriously crushed it in the costume category.

Our trip is slowly coming together.  I find myself daydreaming of the beach and know that we'll be there before we know it, plus there is Christmas between now and then.  After Kauai, we'll head to Sydney and then to New Zealand where we'll stay for 6-8 weeks.  And then onto Japan!

On the fertility front, I don't have anything to report.  I've been feeling okay.  I've had wonky cycles, but all signs point to ovulating and I'm having cycles, so that is something.  But seriously - since my miscarriage, my cycles have been 27 days, 35 days, 18 days and 38 days.  What gives?!  I had decided to just leave without seeing a Reproductive Endocrinologist, but then I found out that the one I liked best is joining a new practice that I also liked, so I figured there was no harm in just seeing what she has to say.  I still want to know thoughts on trying HRT and then coming off of it (I've read this is how some have success) and if there is anything else I should be doing (although I doubt there is).  Some days I feel resigned to just having one child, giving away all of our baby stuff (we ARE decluttering), and moving on from this stage of my life.  It would be liberating to stop thinking about trying to get pregnant, which might be what happens naturally next year when we are traveling.  I'm so excited to quit my job and spend more time with B and R.

If you want to read a heavy but incredibly moving, poignant, heartbreaking piece about the death of a child, you must read "Children Don't Always Live." Maybe I should have led with this sad link and followed with the flamingo?  Oops.

Happy Fall to you all!

October: Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

As many of you know, October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.  Outside of this space, I've been relatively quiet on this topic, but I recently decided it was time to talk more openly about it, including on my other blog.  I just published this post and wanted to share it here, too.

I'm holding you all and your babies in my heart today (and always).

36

 Today I turn 36.  After Chelsey's death, I promised myself I would celebrate birthdays every year from here on out, so I'm doing it.  R brought my breakfast and coffee in bed, I read to B all morning and came to work late, and tonight we are celebrating with friends.  I'm trying not to let myself dwell on the fact that even if I didn't have POF/POI as a diagnosis, I am now firmly in the "advanced maternal age camp."

Things have slowly been improving in terms of emotions and hormones.  I appear to be having another normal cycle (are you sick of hearing about my cycles yet?) and I'm feeling good.  I found a nurse practitioner who specializes in menopause in Denver (Cece Huffnagle) who is fantastic and has been incredibly helpful.  We talked through making sure I'm comfortable (e.g., stopping hot flashes, helping with dryness, regulating the emotional swings) without preventing the possibility of pregnancy.  She prescribed a cream for me to use that is super low dose and has helped and also is having me take progesterone every day from ovulation until cycle.  If, miraculously, I fertilized an egg, I likely wouldn't be producing enough progesterone to support the pregnancy so this would help.  There isn't any harm in taking it, so I'm doing it.  And I'm still continuing with all of the herbs and supplements.

"Kiss. Pumpkins."

We are slowly planning our trip!  We leave for Kauai on January 2nd.  It's amazing how much more tolerable coming to work is each day now that I have an end date.  I'm also taking my time in the mornings, reading longer with B, hanging out for a bit with her and our nanny (who I love), and having coffee with R.  Anyway, that is the not-so-exciting update from here.  I'm so glad it is fall.  B will be a flamingo for Halloween (she is obsessed) and loves kissing pumpkins (on anyone's porch or in anyone's garden).  She has so many words and she constantly amazes me with the new phrases she says.  She's obsessed with reading (particularly Toot & Puddle, Olivia, and "Higher Higher").  I couldn't love this girl more!

September, Sadness, and A Year of Travel

It's been six weeks since my last post and there has been a lot going on.  Frankly, there has been so much going on in our lives that I haven't had much time to dwell on my wacky cycles and getting pregnant and it has been a welcome break from the subject.  To briefly mention it, I've had two more cycles, one that was 35 days and one that was 19.  I don't think I ovulated either cycle.  C'est la vie.  I feel fine and haven't been having any menopausal symptoms, so I'l take it.

Two things have dominated my life in the last few weeks:

First, my best friend died.  I don't know how to share this news without being blunt.  In a period of my life that seems to be marked by grief (as well as by extreme joy), this is yet another example of how life can be so incredibly cruel.  At the same time, her death is a reminder to live each day to the fullest.  Each night when I read to B and rock her to sleep, I smell her head, kiss her cheeks, and tell her how much I love her and relish those moments because Chelsey doesn't get to do that to her little ones anymore. It breaks my heart.  She was the first person with whom I shared my infertility news, the first person at my side after Quinn died, the only person other than Rob who attended ultrasounds during my pregnancy with Blythe, and the friend I visited for coffee immediately after my miscarriage this spring.  We've been through so much together and I don't quite know how I'll get through more without her.  But I know I will because she was the toughest lady that I know and I'll use that as my inspiration.

I'm not particularly religious.  At times like this, I really wish that I were.  Chelsey's father passed away a year to the day before Quinn.  She always talked to me about how Quinn was in heaven with her Dad and he was talking the best care of her for me.  When I got pregnant this spring again, she said "thanks, Dad and Quinn, for sending Darcy another baby."  And now the only comforting thought I have about Chelsey is that she is with her Dad (who she missed dearly) and with Quinn.  I know she believed that she would be, so I'm going to believe it, too.

This photo is of me and Chelsey after our marathon in June (I'm on the right).  She was the kind of friend who would agree to run a marathon in 6 weeks because you had a miscarriage and need something to work toward.  This won't be the last time I mention her on this blog, but that's all I can say for now.  I miss her dearly and keep waiting for her to text me about our next long run or dinner with the kiddos.

Second, we have made a momentous decision: we are taking 2017 as a year to travel.  We have booked tickets, departing January 2nd, for Kauai.  From there, we'll head to New Zealand and Japan and then to Europe.  It's a crazy decision, but it felt like the right time for both me and R in terms of work.  I'm desperate to spend more time with B and with R.  It's been a tough couple of years and it will do us some good to relax, travel, spend time together, and just enjoy life.  We aren't putting ourselves in any financial hardship by doing this trip and we are so excited.

Given that we are all acquaintances via the Internet, this probably sounds insane and like something I'm making up.  I'm really not.  I will be blogging about the trip on my regular blog, which you are all welcome to follow (although we aren't leaving until January): www.darcyeden.com.  I just ask that you please respect the fact that I talk about Q and infertility in a very different way in that space (which is not very much - I'm not ready) and REALLY do not want this space revealed on that site.

It's hard to be joyous about this adventure giving Chelsey's death.  It's actually astonishing to me how differently I'm experiencing grief about Chelsey as compared to Q, but I think that is a topic for another post.  I haven't wrapped my head around it yet.

Hug your husband, wife, partner, parents, family, littles, etc. extra tight.

August Update & Pregnancy on HRT

Summer is moving along here.  We've taken a few weekend trips in Colorado and have another one coming up next weekend.  It's been so fun to enjoy the beautiful weather, the mountains, swimming, gardening with B, and generally just watching her become a little person.  She has started using two word phrases and is VERY opinionated.  I hear "no" a lot these days, but she is also extra into her Mama, which I secretly love (whenever I find it overwhelming, I remind myself that soon she will be too big to hold and then likely a teenager who hates me).

Miraculously, I just had a normal, 28-day cycle during which I had EWCM and according to the OPKs ovulated.  I didn't get pregnant, but I did feel pretty normal the entire cycle.  I could tell my period was about to arrive because I became insanely irritable... like I knew what was coming out of my mouth was an over-reaction, but there was nothing I could do to stop it.

I'm seriously considering starting a very low dose of estrogen (0.1 mg/day) even though my menopausal symptoms have all but ceased.  I still feel emotionally a bit on edge and I think the estrogen will help.  The dose is so low that it wouldn't prevent me from getting pregnant.  I've read this post over and over and my doctor said the same thing - you can absolutely still get pregnant on HRT.  I've read this study and this one, too.  Does anyone have experience with HRT, whether just in general or getting pregnant while doing HRT?  Any thoughts, advice from a doctor, etc.?  I'm desperate for more information on this topic and it doesn't seem to exist. What I'm really wondering is whether your odds are better trying to get pregnant while on HRT if you still have some ovarian function or whether it is better to not be on the estrogen if you are still ovulating?  I suppose it is time to make an appointment with my OB again...

Happy end of summer to everyone!

What the what?

First of all, Happy 4th of July!  We spent a long weekend (5 days) in Seattle visiting a bunch of friends and had a blast.  The weather was cooler, there is tons of water (obviously), and we enjoyed delicious oysters and great craft beer.  Oh, and Blythe rocked some seriously cute red, white, and blue!

So much attitude these days. I love it (I know I won't when she is 16).

Second, my body is doing some crazy things lately.  I have been feeling better (as I said in my last post). I saw my OB to talk HRT on 6/28.  We developed a plan, talked next steps, and I promptly came back to work and got my period.  She also re-ran my FSH since I was feeling better and it was 7.7.

7.7!  From 59.

This swing fits with what every doctor has said to me - DOR/POF is unpredictable.  I could have these swings regularly, it could have been the miscarriage, they just don't know.  So, we'll see. In the meantime, I feel better.  I'm less irritable, I feel positive again, I'm less snappy (poor R), and I just feel like me.  I can't ask for much more than that.  For now, we will hold off on HRT and see what happens.