Eight people in the last week have either (a) given birth to a second or third baby when their previous child is younger than B or (b) told me they are expecting a second or third baby when their previous child is younger than B. One friend is unexpectedly having twins.
Now I know I'm on this grand year-off adventure, which is supposed to make me calm and Zen, but SERIOUSLY WTF. It's an epidemic.
Forgive me. I know this is irrational. I know other people's pregnancies in no way relate to mine. I know I should be happy for each and every one of them (and I am... deep down....), but it's been crushing my spirit a bit this week as I feel like I am just being passed left and right by people who are so easily getting what I want. And of course I mark each birth and month with where I would be if I hadn't had two miscarriages. #3 would be four months old. I'd be about 20 weeks pregnant with #4. Everywhere we travel, I see families with two or three children and one of them is about B's age and there is always a younger one.
The thing is, I really do not want to feel this way. I'd like to be present in the moment and on this trip all the time. And when I'm not, I'd like it to be because I'm doing something constructive like reading, blogging, exercising, or listening to a podcast. I don't want it to be because I'm stewing and being jealous of people I don't even know and whose ability to pop out babies left and right is wholly irrelevant in my life.
I went so far as to write down grievances I've been holding onto and to make a few wishes using Flying Wish Paper as recommended by Gretchen Rubin on the Happier podcast (which I adore and highly recommend). It helped for a few hours, but this morning the feelings crept up on me, especially after seeing on Instagram that a friend had a baby and I didn't even know she was pregnant again!
Apologies, I'm just venting. I *know* I have so much for which I should be (and am) grateful. But I also think that part of letting go of these feelings is owning them and admitting they exist. I don't always feel great. I sometimes resent and am jealous of people in a ridiculous way. And I feel extra guilty for feeling this way because I know my pre-B self, who was consumed by grief and fear of never having a child, would hate this post-B self for wallowing and being jealous considering I have a spunky, smart, fun, joyful toddler to chase after day in and day out.
If anyone has any ideas for me, I'd love to hear them.