I'm right back where I was last spring, just four weeks farther along than last time. Yesterday we saw an OB in Kauai and the baby hadn't grown since six weeks and three days and there was no longer a heartbeat. R & B were there with and just looking over at them and seeing B smile at me and give me a big hug made the whole situation survivable, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't devastated, disappointed, sad, and, frankly, really f-ing angry. I would just rather not repeatedly get pregnant only to find out the pregnancy isn't viable, and this one feels worse because we saw a heartbeat and I'm now 10+ weeks with *no* signs of miscarriage. In fact, my HCG yesterday was 25,000 so clearly my body has not yet caught on.
Given how high my HCG is, the OB here wants me to come back in for a scan with their radiology department (better equipment) to confirm it isn't a molar pregnancy. My Colorado OB (with whom I've spoken several times) thinks this is highly unlikely, but of course I'm going to go in to confirm.
Most of all, I feel foolish. Foolish for getting my hopes up, foolish for thinking this was our second rainbow baby, imagining flying home mid-summer instead of next winter so that I could have this baby at home, worrying about the logistics of getting meds, etc. None of it matters and why haven't I learned my lesson about thinking things will work out?
I am, of course, already thinking about what is next. I'll take misoprostol again to induce bleeding so that everything can be "take care of" before we leave the U.S. (on February 12th). And then what? I know in my heart I'm not done - I want to have another baby. But I am beginning to wonder if that is wise. I'm 36 years old. I have POF. I now have a history of recurrent miscarriages, presumably due to chromosomal abnormalities. I have complicated pregnancies. I keep thinking: "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me."
One silver lining to all of this is that, so far, I feel much better emotionally than I did last spring. Even with getting my hopes up, I knew better than to tell many people, make plans, or really give this pregnancy much credence. I don't know if that is helping or the fact that I'm with my family in Hawaii but I don't feel the darkness overwhelming me like I did last spring. Who knows? It's too soon to tell how I'll feel in a few days, but I'm trying to keep perspective and stay as positive as possible.
So that's the (depressing, frustrating, infuriating, disappointing) update from here.