Monday, April 21, 2014

The Fault in Our Stars

Image from Amazon
Over the weekend, I finished the book The Fault in Our Stars by John Green.  I knew the story line of the book (the protagonist is dying of cancer in her teens) so I wasn't surprised by the sadness I felt when reading.  I was struck by a particular line in the book, though (I'm paraphrasing) - Grief doesn't change us... it reveals us.

Since we lost L, people have repeatedly said that we won't return to normal, but that there will be a "new" normal.  I do feel fundamentally different.  I am not sure, though, whether that different feeling is because I am actually different or I am just exploring and dealing with an entirely new side of myself?  I've never before suffered such pain or sadness or grief - and perhaps this is just who I am when I am in the heart of things that are inconceivably horrible?

It saddens me to no end to think that I might never feel like "myself" again.  As much as I love to think about L, to imagine what my life would have been like with her, to envision how we would have just celebrated our first Easter, I hope there is a time in the future when I can think of her fondly rather than with feelings of despair and loss.  It just seems like that wouldn't be the way to go through life and that at some point there must be a shift.

What I don't want to be is someone who is so defeated by what has happened that I don't ever find the joy in living.  I know L wouldn't have wanted that and I owe it to myself, to my husband, to our family, to be a better and stronger person than that...

Has anyone read the book?  If so, did you enjoy it?  Did it resonate with you at all?

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