I had an ultrasound on Tuesday that confirmed the Cytotec worked and I don't need a D&C. Now that I've officially miscarried, I feel some closure and am trying to put this behind me and get back to feeling happy and positive. Suffice it to say that this hasn't been as easy as I hoped it would be. I've found myself a bit of an emotional disaster the past week. I'm happy one minute and sad the next and my anxiety is through the roof. My OB prescribed some Xanax (unsolicited - she just thought I might want it), which I've never taken before but am very tempted to try.
I keep reminding myself that my HCG is probably only just back to 0 and so I'm sure my hormones are all out of whack. Plus, last week was Baby L's due date. That date doesn't weigh on me as much as the anniversary of her birth, but I do find myself thinking "L would be 2 this week" and other related thoughts.
Anyway... most of you know how the emotions go after a miscarriage (unfortunately), so I won't drone on, but I don't yet feel like myself. I can be happy all day and the come crashing into a terrible mood and a total funk where I am upset with R and just want to cry and/or be grouchy for no obvious reason. Please let this pass quickly.
I did sign up for a marathon in June (my version of therapy), I've started going to acupuncture again because I find it incredibly relaxing, and I've been having so much fun with B when I'm not at work, especially since we've been having amazing spring weather and she loves to roam the neighborhood with me looking at flowers and leaves. Photo below of her scoping out our neighbor's bush that has beautiful yellow flowers (at least until this weekend when we are supposed to be hit with a massive snowstorm). B has finally learned how to smell something rather than always trying to put everything in her mouth.
This miscarriage has made me think a lot about how much we are willing to go through to have a second child. Of course it is what we both WANT, but given my AMH level, FSH, follicle count, etc., everything suggests that my egg quality is low, which means a higher risk of miscarriage and chromosomal abnormalities. IF I even get pregnant again, the odds are higher than normal that this could happen again. As of right now, I still want to continue trying to get pregnant, but I don't know how many miscarriages I can handle. I know many of you out there have been through this many times, but after losing L and given what we know about my fertility situation, I think there may be a point when we decide that B is a healthy, happy, fun, joyful little girl, we are thrilled to have her, and having one living little one is enough.
We also booked a trip to Cabo for the first weekend in May. A little vacation with beach time should help.