I had trouble even coming up with a title for this post. I want to say "after infertility and loss" in the parenthetical, but we all know that once you are infertile, you are always infertile... even if you have a child and even if said pregnancy came about without any medical intervention.
See... I'm rambling already!
I ran my first marathon in 3 years yesterday and it was fine. I had a decent race (for me) considering that I did one long run and very little running-specific training. After my clot, I was told I might never run again (residual clot can mean lifelong problems with numbness, tingling, swelling, etc.). I feel fortunate that isn't the case for me, and yesterday reminded me that I am strong and I spent a lot of time thinking about how grateful I am to be healthy right now. I also spent miles 16 through 26 feeling so very sad that I was running through the streets of Austin, Texas while my husband and daughter were at home. There were waves of overwhelming guilt and longing to be home and with them that I just could not keep at bay. It made me question whether training for a race is something I want to prioritize right now -- I was basically hyperventilating and trying not to start sobbing. I think a lot of the feelings were real -- I was traveling for work 2 weeks ago and then away this weekend and I miss B (and my husband) like crazy -- and some of it was hormonal and some was exhaustion. But man... it caught me off-guard and has left me feeling very conflicted about what it is that I want going forward (from the perspective of my personal goals and athletic endeavors, which were previously very important to me). Walking through our door last night to this face was the best feeling...
That is all along introduction into what I really wanted to write about, which is that I am constantly thinking about another baby these days. Getting a marathon under my belt this year was a goal and now that that is done, I know getting pregnant will increasingly be on my mind. R and I talked this week and decided that, for now, we aren't going to pursue IVF. I would go back to my RE in a heartbeat, but R was seriously traumatized by everything that happened when we lost L. For me, all I could think about was that my baby died. My little L was gone. But for R, he almost lost me and for now he is so happy that I'm healthy and happy and that we have B and that things are calm for us medically right now. The idea of all the drugs and hormones and increased clotting risk, etc. is more than he wants at this time. I also hesitate with being busy at work to add RE appointments into my schedule, knowing they would detract from quality time with B that is already so limited for me.And I am okay with that... for now. We agreed to revisit in a few months or if either of us changed our mind in the interim. To be clear, we would both love to have a second child, but R isn't convinced we should go through multiple rounds of IVF to have a second child.
Going forward, I'll resume taking my supplements and vitamins, track ovulation and we'll make an effort to give ourselves a shot at getting pregnant on our own each month. With what we know about my fertility struggles, the odds are SO low of that happening. On one hand, I've been pregnant twice after being told by CCRM (and others) that I would *never* have a baby that was genetically mine. But on the other hand, I've been pregnant twice... and the odds of it happening again are SO low. And then this line of thinking queues feelings of guilt... because we have amazing, joyful baby B and how can I be so greedy as to want another baby?
Do any of you have any super-secret getting pregnant tricks for me? :) Anyone else in a similar position and have thoughts? I don't want to have any regrets, which is why we'll revisit the RE conversation in a few months.
A dear friend who had her first baby just a week before B was born just told me she is 7 weeks pregnant again and the jealousy that I'm feeling caught me totally by surprise and, frankly, makes me disappointed in myself. Obviously her pregnancy has nothing to do with me, but it is JUST SO EASY FOR HER AND THAT IS INFURIATING. I'm so jealous. I find myself staring at pregnant women and wishing for their bump... and these reactions have confirmed what I already know, which is that I do want another baby...
[This is an incredibly disjointed post. Apologies.]