I had trouble even coming up with a title for this post. I want to say "after infertility and loss" in the parenthetical, but we all know that once you are infertile, you are always infertile... even if you have a child and even if said pregnancy came about without any medical intervention.
See... I'm rambling already!
I ran my first marathon in 3 years yesterday and it was fine. I had a decent race (for me) considering that I did one long run and very little running-specific training. After my clot, I was told I might never run again (residual clot can mean lifelong problems with numbness, tingling, swelling, etc.). I feel fortunate that isn't the case for me, and yesterday reminded me that I am strong and I spent a lot of time thinking about how grateful I am to be healthy right now. I also spent miles 16 through 26 feeling so very sad that I was running through the streets of Austin, Texas while my husband and daughter were at home. There were waves of overwhelming guilt and longing to be home and with them that I just could not keep at bay. It made me question whether training for a race is something I want to prioritize right now -- I was basically hyperventilating and trying not to start sobbing. I think a lot of the feelings were real -- I was traveling for work 2 weeks ago and then away this weekend and I miss B (and my husband) like crazy -- and some of it was hormonal and some was exhaustion. But man... it caught me off-guard and has left me feeling very conflicted about what it is that I want going forward (from the perspective of my personal goals and athletic endeavors, which were previously very important to me). Walking through our door last night to this face was the best feeling...
That is all along introduction into what I really wanted to write about, which is that I am constantly thinking about another baby these days. Getting a marathon under my belt this year was a goal and now that that is done, I know getting pregnant will increasingly be on my mind. R and I talked this week and decided that, for now, we aren't going to pursue IVF. I would go back to my RE in a heartbeat, but R was seriously traumatized by everything that happened when we lost L. For me, all I could think about was that my baby died. My little L was gone. But for R, he almost lost me and for now he is so happy that I'm healthy and happy and that we have B and that things are calm for us medically right now. The idea of all the drugs and hormones and increased clotting risk, etc. is more than he wants at this time. I also hesitate with being busy at work to add RE appointments into my schedule, knowing they would detract from quality time with B that is already so limited for me.And I am okay with that... for now. We agreed to revisit in a few months or if either of us changed our mind in the interim. To be clear, we would both love to have a second child, but R isn't convinced we should go through multiple rounds of IVF to have a second child.
Going forward, I'll resume taking my supplements and vitamins, track ovulation and we'll make an effort to give ourselves a shot at getting pregnant on our own each month. With what we know about my fertility struggles, the odds are SO low of that happening. On one hand, I've been pregnant twice after being told by CCRM (and others) that I would *never* have a baby that was genetically mine. But on the other hand, I've been pregnant twice... and the odds of it happening again are SO low. And then this line of thinking queues feelings of guilt... because we have amazing, joyful baby B and how can I be so greedy as to want another baby?
Do any of you have any super-secret getting pregnant tricks for me? :) Anyone else in a similar position and have thoughts? I don't want to have any regrets, which is why we'll revisit the RE conversation in a few months.
A dear friend who had her first baby just a week before B was born just told me she is 7 weeks pregnant again and the jealousy that I'm feeling caught me totally by surprise and, frankly, makes me disappointed in myself. Obviously her pregnancy has nothing to do with me, but it is JUST SO EASY FOR HER AND THAT IS INFURIATING. I'm so jealous. I find myself staring at pregnant women and wishing for their bump... and these reactions have confirmed what I already know, which is that I do want another baby...
[This is an incredibly disjointed post. Apologies.]
I find these posts so hard to read because I understand (some of) the struggles you're contemplating. For me, it wasn't infertility, but an incredible amount of complications that could lead to another stillbirth. And I wasn't wrong. But that longing to have another baby was just so impossible to keep at bay.
ReplyDeleteWith that said, if my life was on the line, my husband and I would probably have chosen not to have more. And now after the complications with C and being moments away from losing her (too), our decision was made at her birth. The risk was too great for us to give it another go. Which is then easy for us to say, because we have living siblings. But had that scary birth been Benjamin and not Claire, my longing would be deep.
Nothing related to infertility, loss or complicated pregnancies will ever be easy. And when I'm 80 years old, I think the longing will still be there in some form, if not simply just for the baby we didn't get to keep or even more for the siblings we never got to conceive.
Congratulations on your marathon! I've been running a silly 6 miles about 3x/week and couldn't imagine running one. I have had two issues with my legs and feet as a result of pushing myself perhaps too hard, but that's a sign I'm not cut for ultra long distance. My husband and SIL have both completed marathons and I'm so amazed at their tenacity. I imagine the training is hard combined with work and time away.
Your sweet B is just darling. That little Patagonia jacket and star sweater are cute overload.
It seems to me that you have enough similar experiences (unfortunately) to empathize and understand :) Infertility aside, there is the sheer terror of being pregnant again after stillbirth when the risk of a repeat loss is possible. You are right that it will never be easy and the longing will always be there... for those babies we didn't get to keep or the siblings we chose not to have. I guess there are always those things in life?
DeleteSigh. Heavy topics, huh?
Thanks for your thoughts - I always really appreciate them.
Yes. Similar feelings (but not complicated by loss or the knowledge that another pregnancy coins be risky). We too are trying without intervention and will revisit the idea of returning to our clinic later. I have no secrets on achieving pregnancy; it's all speculation. DHEA/CO Q10 supplements might have helped egg quality.
ReplyDeleteGlad (?) to know we are on the same page and I know you are right about it all being speculation. I'm back to taking all of my supplements but trying not to be too crazy about the other stuff yet (taking my BBT, etc.) because it makes my husband anxious. I'll be thinking of you and thinking positive thoughts.
DeleteFirst, I'm so impressed by you running a marathon! I'm not a runner at all, but the distance just amazes me, even if I were.
ReplyDeleteB is absolutely adorable! I have not been away from SB for more than 12-14h at a time so far, I can only imagine how much you miss her. I have also dropped most of my hobbies because I feel that work and language class are taking away enough time from me/her already. I might be overdoing it a bit though, some alone/adult time (other than work!) is definitely important.
We'd love to have a living sibling for SB, too. I have to admit I'm not quite ready yet, perhaps mostly because we're still nursing, and I worry that nursing during pregnancy would increase my already significant risk of preterm labor. Plus, I actually use BCPs (ironic, I know) to prevent endometriosis, and the thought of trying on our own with low chances of success and a much higher chance of me getting sick again is... not appealing. On the upside, we do have frozen embryos, stored on the other end of the world, but still, that seems easier to contemplate than full IVF, especially with the extra risks you have.
No secret tricks - you've done it twice before, it might just work again.
My thoughts on dropping hobbies, etc. I am going to share in another post, but I am with you. It's enough that I'm away for work! I try to get my workouts in before B wakes up, after she is asleep or during my lunch hour at work. Or I just don't do them. It is so hard... and I know that adult time is needed, but man it is hard to prioritize!
DeleteAhh, it is good to have those frozen embryos tucked away if you need them, not that that route is easy or guaranteed. Ironic about the BCPs and would definitely be tough to do something that you know will make you sick again. Ugh.
There seems to be such a double standard, for fertile couples before the umbilical cord is even cut, everyone is asking 'so when are you going to have another one?' or 'are you going to try for a boy/girl?' but of you have a baby after infertility or a loss, then it's 'just be grateful for what you have -don't be greedy' which is also feeling we project on ourselved when we know sisters who are still in the trenches trying for baby#1. I have an opposite issue. My husband and I are both only children and we planned to have only one child. After taking 5 transfers to have a successful pregnancy, whcih was high risk due to my age, blood pressure and placenta previa, I figured if I am lucky to get through it, I'm not going to temp fate again (which is even further validated as Kate is a very good and healthy baby). Maybe I'm trying to make excuses so I don't feel guilty for not giving our daughter a sibling.
ReplyDeleteIronically, I'm an only child, too, and R is happy with just one baby. He would be thrilled if I got pregnant again, but it isn't something for which he is yearning. I suspect we are like-minded based on your comment, but I do not feel obligated to give B a sibling. I didn't have one and I think there are a lot of positives to being an only child. Plus, my husband and his brother, while friends, are not close and their relationship doesn't make him feel like having a sibling is a must. I do feel a lot like you... lucky to be where I am with a healthy baby and having survived (literally) a pregnancy. Maybe that should be enough?
DeleteAlso, you are SO right about the asking about a sibling right away if people don't know you have struggled with infertility and/or loss. Many people who don't know (mostly complete strangers, which is odd in and of itself) ask us all the time if we want another. I never know how to answer, but I often say some variation of "We feel very lucky to have B and we'll see."
DeleteI envy your conviction about having one. I always thought I wanted just one! I'm not sure where this yearning for another comes from, but it is definitely there...
Congrats on the marathon! How many does this make for you? I wish I felt content with mine, but it became a distaster near the end. Sigh.
ReplyDeleteTotally understand that longing - look at that girl, how could you not want another happy outcome, especially when robbed of that joy the first time. in the meantime, abiding with you and hoping for another happy outcome for your family when the time is right
Caroline, I was just trying to figure out how many I've run. I think this was #18. I'm already tempted to sign up for another one.
DeleteAnd thanks :) I'm going to try to be patient and know that it is out of my hands and just to remember how great life is in the meantime.