Monday, August 18, 2014

Is this your first?

We went to our first wedding of 2014 over the weekend.  It was black tie, and I borrowed (thankfully) a dress from a friend... and apparently it is now quite obvious (even to strangers) that I am pregnant.  It isn't that I'm hiding it, but I'm tall and both with this pregnancy and with L, it was unclear until about 20 weeks whether I was putting on belly fat or was pregnant.  Apparently the cat is out of the bag.

I'm thrilled to look pregnant because I am obviously over-the-moon excited about this little baby growing in my belly.

That said, I have a confession.  I don't love strangers asking if I am pregnant in the same way that I did with L, because they always ask "Is this your first?" and, truthfully, I don't always know how to respond.

Twice over the weekend, when people asked me if this was my first, I just said "yes."  I definitely paused, thought about how to respond, and then just said "yes."  It wasn't because I wasn't thinking of L, but I just couldn't, in the situation, bear the idea of launching into what happened.  The first woman to ask was the woman from whom I got a pedicure on Friday who is also pregnant.  She was very sweet and we chatted a bit about being pregnant, but I just didn't want to share with this stranger what happened (and we also had a bit of a language barrier and I feared it would just get awkward to explain and that others nearby would overhear).  The second person was the wife of a friend of my husband's.  She sweetly asked if I was pregnant and then asked if it was our first.  We know the couple, but not well, and then don't know what happened with L (obviously).  We were at a cocktail party, and it just didn't seem like the time or place to share.

Ever since I said it was my first, particularly to the woman at the wedding, I have been feeling this overwhelming sense of guilt.  I feel like I let down L somehow - like me not acknowledging her to those people means something horrible about me like that I don't love her with all of my heart, which I do.  I wish I could rewind and just be honest - succinct, but honest.

I know there is nothing I can do to remedy the situation now, but I've just been feeling so guilty and sad about it all weekend.  Am I the only person who has lied to someone to avoid an awkward discussion? Is there a time and a place when it is okay to not tell someone the whole truth?

In happier news, we saw a spectacular rainbow over the weekend, and rainbows always make me think of L and this new baby, who I hope will be our rainbow baby.


  1. I think your feelings and thoughts about this are perfectly normal. I haven't had this come up yet, as I am not showing, but have certainly given it some thought. In my opinion the situation and the people that are involved are what will dictate, at least for me, how I respond. For instance, if it is someone I know to be insensitive and someone who I think will say something upsetting I may just say it is my first child and end it there. If it is someone I trust and someone I think will be understanding and react how I deem "appropriate" then I might tell my story. In the end, I think for me it comes down to the reaction I think I am going to get and if it will upset me. It may not be worth it to tell the story to everyone (for instance, why delve into a personally traumatic backstory to someone I don't like or won't see again?) and above all I need to protect my own sanity! In general I like to own my truth, but some people to me aren't worth the energy. Just my two cents.

    1. I really appreciate your thoughts on this - thank you. I think you are right and am going to adopt the same approach of telling people when I want to and when I think the situation warrants being honest. We all know about our other babies and that gives us the right to determine to whom and when we talk about them, right? Thank you!

  2. I have been there and done the exact same thing, and I too have felt guilty about it. It's just so hard because like you said, these are strangers, and do you really want to go into a long story about what happened with a stranger? It's just so hard to know what to say.Try not to feel bad hon. L knows you think about her and always feels your love hon. I truly do believe that, and that is what helps me when I run into this situation. Hugs sweetie <3

    P.s. I love the rainbow pic. I feel the same way about them :)

    1. Oh, I am so glad to not be the only one and you are right - they are strangers! Okay, I feel much better and will continue to share as I see fit and not when I think it is just not the right time or place. Thank you and hugs to you, too!

  3. Hi, I'm just connecting to your blog now. But I wanted to share with you something a good friend of mine who lost his 2nd child at 5 days old told me: Only certain people get the privilege of hearing your child's story. It's not that you're not loving L. and thinking about her all the time, but not everyone gets into that inner circle. Our loss is so recent and I haven't been asked the dreaded question "How many kids do you have?" yet (probably because I'm holing up in my house right now), but this makes me feel better already. Hope it helps you too.