We went to our first wedding of 2014 over the weekend. It was black tie, and I borrowed (thankfully) a dress from a friend... and apparently it is now quite obvious (even to strangers) that I am pregnant. It isn't that I'm hiding it, but I'm tall and both with this pregnancy and with L, it was unclear until about 20 weeks whether I was putting on belly fat or was pregnant. Apparently the cat is out of the bag.
I'm thrilled to look pregnant because I am obviously over-the-moon excited about this little baby growing in my belly.
That said, I have a confession. I don't love strangers asking if I am pregnant in the same way that I did with L, because they always ask "Is this your first?" and, truthfully, I don't always know how to respond.
Twice over the weekend, when people asked me if this was my first, I just said "yes." I definitely paused, thought about how to respond, and then just said "yes." It wasn't because I wasn't thinking of L, but I just couldn't, in the situation, bear the idea of launching into what happened. The first woman to ask was the woman from whom I got a pedicure on Friday who is also pregnant. She was very sweet and we chatted a bit about being pregnant, but I just didn't want to share with this stranger what happened (and we also had a bit of a language barrier and I feared it would just get awkward to explain and that others nearby would overhear). The second person was the wife of a friend of my husband's. She sweetly asked if I was pregnant and then asked if it was our first. We know the couple, but not well, and then don't know what happened with L (obviously). We were at a cocktail party, and it just didn't seem like the time or place to share.
Ever since I said it was my first, particularly to the woman at the wedding, I have been feeling this overwhelming sense of guilt. I feel like I let down L somehow - like me not acknowledging her to those people means something horrible about me like that I don't love her with all of my heart, which I do. I wish I could rewind and just be honest - succinct, but honest.
I know there is nothing I can do to remedy the situation now, but I've just been feeling so guilty and sad about it all weekend. Am I the only person who has lied to someone to avoid an awkward discussion? Is there a time and a place when it is okay to not tell someone the whole truth?
In happier news, we saw a spectacular rainbow over the weekend, and rainbows always make me think of L and this new baby, who I hope will be our rainbow baby.