Reminiscing

One of my New Year's Resolutions is to finish all of our photo books from our travels. I was pretty good about keeping up with them while we were on the road, but I'm determined to be completely caught up before this baby arrives in mid-April.  I ordered two last week, so progress is being made.

I was sorting through photos and came across two that I took in our cabin in the Archipelago of Sweden (this place, seriously one of the best airbnbs of our entire trip).  The cabin was full of charming details, but I was most struck by two pieces of art that made me think so much of being pregnant -- so much so that I took photos of each in an optimistic gesture that perhaps I'd get pregnant while we were there.  That didn't happen, but I did shortly thereafter.

I was struck by how the woman in the top picture looks quite pregnant and the one in the bottom appears to be holding a baby.  The translation of the bottom cross-stitch is "she comes down the fields."  There isn't a real point in sharing this, but in stumbling upon these, I was reminded how even in the midst of feeling pretty despondent about our situation and still grieving over the two miscarriages, I had hope that I might get pregnant again.  

I still feel great disbelief about the size of my growing belly, the wonderful movements I'm feeling, and the fact that my c-section will be scheduled for 10 weeks from now.  TEN WEEKS.  It doesn't seem possible.

Next week I'll be in my third trimester, I'll have another ultrasound and my glucose screen and I'll post another update.  For now, I'm embracing the positivity, am thrilled to be past 26 weeks, which is when we lost Quinn, and generally trying to just stay calm. 

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2018

As I type this post, I'm feeling this baby kick around in my abdomen and am thrilled to finally be feeling little pops and flutters on and off throughout the day and night.  What a difference a few weeks makes in terms of feeling less unsettled now that I can feel movement.

We took down our Christmas tree yesterday and B went back to school today (she was jumping up and down with excitement about seeing her teachers and being back in the classroom).  This past month was both magical and exhausting -- emotionally and physically.  Christmas and the New Year will always make me think of Q and I can't help but replay Christmas 2013 when I was in incredible pain and ultimately Q died on December 28th.  I spent New Year's Eve in the ICU awaiting another surgery and finally delivered Q on January 3rd.  B brings so much joy this time of year and it is truly such a gift to watch and help her enjoy the holidays so much, but I do think a lot about the what could have been and worry about this baby growing inside of me.

I'm 23 weeks pregnant now and officially have less than 4 months until this little one arrives.  I'll have my next check up in a week, including an ultrasound, and I'm so excited to see how this baby is growing.  We also celebrated B's birthday on the 28th, which was so much fun.  I threw a small party at home with two of her friends, my parents, and her former nanny, who she adores and happens to share her birthday.  It was actually fun and the perfect size and I could tell that B just felt so special having a party just for her.  This pregnancy has absolutely kicked my butt in terms of exhaustion, but I'm glad I rallied and made a cake, decorated the house, and really celebrated B's birthday, which admittedly was hard for me to do on the heels of hosting Christmas.

I feel as though I should have more profound thoughts to share on this 4th anniversary of losing our beloved Quinn, but they are escaping me. It's not for a lack of her being in my thoughts, but more that I can't seem to capture what I'm feeling in the midst of the holidays, B's birthday, and this pregnancy. I think of her most often in the rare quiet moments I have alone - when I awake in the pre-dawn hours and let my mind wander, when I'm driving somewhere alone, or at night when I should be asleep and find myself thinking of her and imaging what she would be like at 4.  Four.  How is that possible?

Separately, the NYT had a piece two weeks ago entitled When a Grieving Mother Talks, Listen that I highly recommend.

Do you set New Year's Resolutions?  I'm a huge fan and have set them for as long as I can remember. This year, in addition to setting resolutions, I'm declaring "positivity" as my word for 2018.  This idea came from one of my class instructors at Fierce45 and it really resonated with how I'm feeling these days.  This will be my last pregnancy and I can't wait to meet this baby.  I don't want to spend the next 4 months worrying so while I know I will worry, I'm going to try my best to generally be positive.  The word applies to every aspect of my life, but I need the most work in the pregnancy/baby department.  Does anyone else do this?  Apparently My One Word is a thing!

Happy New Year. 

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