How was your birth experience?

Last week, B and I walked to the grocery store for a few things.  While we were waiting in the checkout line, the woman behind me said, "I'm studying to become a doula.  How was your birth experience?"

[deep breath]

I know there is always a choice in how we respond to questions like this.  I could have just said that it was great and left it at that, but I think this is an intensely personal question and is it really appropriate to ask random people at the grocery store?  

I decided to just answer but to be straightforward: "She's happy and healthy and that is all that we wanted."  I then turned back to face the other way and hoped that was the end of the conversation.

It wasn't.  She then asked where we delivered and how.  Seriously?  So I told her the name of the hospital and said that I'd had a c-section.  I got the classic disappointed look and a "Oh... well did you schedule it?"  And then I got irked.  So what if I had?  Even if I had just scheduled it because I wanted a c-section and not because of a medical reason.  Is it any of her business.  

"No," I said.  "I didn't schedule it.  I was induced and ended up needing a c-section."  [Again, hoping this would end the conversation.]

"Why were you induced if you don't mind me asking?"  Really?  I thought I was abundantly clear with my tone that I DID mind, but apparently not.  And I thought I could just tell this woman that I was induced because I have a clotting disorder or I could just be completely honest and hopefully make her feel a bit uncomfortable so she might not harass other women in the store in the future.  So, I went for it.

"I had a daughter that was stillborn," I said.  "And I have a clotting disorder."  I then went on to make a point of telling her that I didn't care one bit about having a c-section and actually thought it was pretty great.

That look that people get on their face when you mention losing a child.  It gets me every time.  She looked (finally) horrified that she had pushed so far and kept asking questions and also sad and a little shocked and then she *finally* stopped asking about my birth and started asking me questions about B.

I've never been happier for my turn to check out at a store.  

6 Weeks & A Weekend Getaway

Greetings from Vail!  We packed up the car this morning and are on our first "getaway" as a family.  Friends kindly lent us their beautiful home in the mountains and it is so nice to be out of the city and in new surroundings.  I can't ski this year because I still have to take blood thinners, but we'll snowshoe, hike, pursue the village, etc.

My dad calls this my jailbird outfit.

Baby B is 6 weeks old... almost 7, actually.  I can hardly believe it.  Time is flying.  There are some really, really hard moments, but mostly being home with her is absolutely wonderful.  I love when she falls asleep on my chest and I no longer feel like I should be doing something else (emptying the dishwasher, doing laundry, making the bed, making dinner). I just embrace it (and her) and enjoy the snuggles.  They are so precious and I am so very thankful for her.  I seriously spend a lot of time just marveling at her tiny fingers and toes, her eyelashes, her soft skin.  To say I'm obsessed is an understatement.

One thing I have been feeling that I didn't really expect is absolute dread about going back to work.  Is this familiar to any of you?  I'm a lawyer by day and love my job.  I don't work crazy hours anymore and I can absolutely have my career and be a Mom... but the mere thought of going back to work is terrifying to me!  I have another 6 weeks, but it just does not feel like enough and I can't bear the idea of leaving B with someone else (even though we are set to join a nanny share with a woman who seems fantastic).  I'm going to give it a try and see how things go being back at work, but for the first time in my life I am thinking that being home with B full time would be awesome. I've just never thought that was the path for me, but maybe it is?

I also had my 6-week appointment with my OB.  My c-section incision is healing and I'm cleared to exercise (I ran yesterday and it felt awesome).  She only briefly mentioned birth control to me and I told her I wasn't going to take any.  Given my history, AMH, FSH, etc., if we got pregnant again, even sometime soon, it would be a miracle.  My OB did ask that we give her a few month break from the stress of having me as a patient :)  The conversation went better than I thought -- I expected her to push a bit and suggest I take something for awhile.

Sometimes when I am feeding B in the wee hours of the night/morning, I read on my phone and I recently came across this article: "I'm 41, Single, and Pregnant."  Definitely recommend reading it.  I've also been reading all of your blogs (those of you who comment), but I can't seem to comment from my phone while breastfeeding so I'm hoping that this weekend I can catch up and actually leave comments.  You are all in my thoughts.