32 Weeks

I'm typing this as I feel kicks in my stomach and occasionally can see my protruding belly rise and fall at random.  Is there a better feeling when pregnant?  Btw, this is me right now (please ignore the goofy expression) - hello, belly!

Time seems to be flying these days. Somehow the second trimester came and went and now I'm 5 weeks and a few days from delivery (c-section will be the week of April 9th).  My glucose test went fine and at the last ultrasound baby was growing well and looked perfect.  I see my OB again on Tuesday and from here on out I'll see her every week.

My urge to nest and prepare for this baby and generally to prep in every way possible for life to be turned upside down is strong.  I'm stocking the freezer with meals, slowly organizing areas of the house that need to be purged and straightened (I've tackled the pantry and the garage and the basement an B's playroom are next).  I haven't started to go through any baby stuff, but I feel like that is premature since I don't know whether we are having a girl or boy.  In any event, I'm finally thinking about a crib, asking friends to return items we lent, etc.  I have moments of doubt when I haven't felt the baby kick in awhile, but on the whole my anxiety has been kept in check and I'm allowing myself to enjoy being pregnant here and there.

I have noticed that I am definitely slowing down and I feel sad every time I have to say to B, "Sorry, but mama can't do X."  I'm trying to limit lifting/carrying her (she weighs 35 pounds), and sometimes I just do not have the energy to race around the park as much as I'd like to.  I want to savor these last few weeks of being able to give her my undivided attention, but my ever-expanding midsection is making that tricky.

R and I haven't spoken at all about names. Anyone have any great names or seen any good lists lately?  I'm feeling uninspired and don't love half the names that were on our list for B should this baby be a girl, so even with a girl I think we are back to square one.   During the second trimester, I felt strongly this baby is a girl, but I'm feeling now like it is a boy.  I'm excited for the surprise.

Truthfully, there isn't much to report here.  We went through a rough patch with B of not wanting to go to bed, waking multiple times, not listening, etc. (standard three-year-old behavior, I think), but I'm thrilled to say we have turned a corner and the last few weeks have been really good.  She asks me periodically about the baby and talks about things they will do together (bathe, run - apparently this baby will be walking immediately, craft) and I feel overwhelmed with emotion thinking about B having a living sibling.  I've found a few fun books about siblings - do any of you have any that you recommend (we are loving Maple and the others in this series, A Baby Sister for Frances, Sprout Helps Out, Hello In There, and I ordered Angelina's Baby Sister this weekend)?

So, that's all from here.  I'm focusing on positivity and optimism and enjoying these last 5 weeks and am trying to not think about all of the things that could go wrong in between now and when I hold this baby in my arms.  If you want a good chuckle, check out these Realistic Birth Announcements from The New Yorker.

Meet Me Halfway

19 weeks!

Technically, I won't be 20 weeks until next Monday, but for me 19 weeks marks halfway through this pregnancy as my high-risk OB informed me at our mid-pregnancy anatomy scan that she wants to schedule a c-section for sometime between 37 and 38 weeks.  So there you have it, friends.  Fingers and legs (and toes and everything else) crossed, we'll meet this baby, boy or girl, in mid-April.

Suddenly, this pregnancy feels very real.  Somewhere around week 18 I popped and now it is quite tricky to hide the bump.  I finally told the head fo my new law firm and while I haven't told my other co-workers, I'm no longer avoiding maternity clothes and fitted tops at work.  The best thing is that I am feeling this baby move!  Despite having an anterior placenta, which makes it more difficult to detect movement, I'm definitely feeling it, especially when I lay down at night to read.  I'm excited for a few weeks from now when the movements are strong enough that R and B will be able to feel them as well.

Telling my boss was interesting and went about as well as I could expect.  Keep in mind that I have only been at this job for 6 weeks, so obviously I was pregnant when I accepted and started.  I decided to be direct: "I'm pregnant.  I wanted to tell you when I joined (which is true), but this is actually my fifth pregnancy and given the fact that pregnancy has often not ended well for us, I wasn't ready to tell you or anyone else when I accepted the job."  It went something like that.  He was wonderful about it -- he has five (!) daughters and was just so happy that we were having another kid and was just great about it.  The whole conversation was a huge relief and I felt so much better about everything at work afterward.

Oh, and our mid-pregnancy anatomy scan looked great.  Baby was moving around like crazy, everything was measuring on track, and he or she has all of the organs you'd expect to see.  We breathed a big sigh of relief.

This little girl's happiness related to all things Christmas is infectious

And here we are in December.  The tricky thing is that everything about this pregnancy reminds me of being pregnant with Q (Baby L - it's confusing, her name starts with Q, but L, which stands for Lemon, was her nickname throughout my pregnancy).  Q was due in early April.  She died on December 30th.  And going into the holidays, I felt great... until I didn't.  Christmas of that year was awful, including a Christmas Eve phone call to the emergency line at my doctor's office, no sleep, and being so uncomfortable I couldn't even walk a hundred yards.  Whenever I think about that Christmas, I get furious at myself for not trusting my instincts, knowing something was wrong, and driving myself to the ER.  So even though I am being closely monitored and I'm taking tons of Lovenox so getting a blood clot is virtually impossible, I'm just anxious about letting my guard down and letting myself get excited -- even know I rationally know this a different pregnancy.   Don't get me wrong - I am just thrilled about this baby and I have moments of being incredibly optimistic and imagining Rob putting this baby in my arms in April and telling me whether it is a boy or girl... but those moments are always tempered by thoughts of cord accidents and blood clots and unexplained late term losses.  Every time a pregnant woman tells me she feels great now that she is 26 weeks along and the baby will be fine no matter what, I have to bite my tongue not to tell them that isn't true.   I know these feelings are exacerbated because we are fast-approaching B's 3rd birthday, which is followed 2 days later by the anniversary of Q's death.  She would be 4.  FOUR.  How is that possible?  What would she be like?  I so desperately wish that I knew.

What is keeping me from a downward spiral of sadness and introspection on this topic is the fact that B is giddy about Christmas and her impending birthday.  Each morning we go downstairs and check the advent calendar for a little treat for her.  We've talked about the cupcakes she'll take to school for her birthday and I mailed invitations to her (very small) party yesterday.  Her joy for this season is contagious and I'm trying to stay present in that feeling instead of the others, although I will make space for the sadness this month, too. I always do.

I'm thinking of all of you who have lost babies this month and sending lots of love.  And I'm giving B extra snuggles and kisses and love because I am able to --- and how lucky am I for that?

12 Weeks

Today was the 12-week ultrasound where nuchal translucency, etc. is checked and I had blood drawn for the MaterniT21 test.  The ultrasound looked great - baby was moving around, putting its hands/fingers in its mouth, etc.  R came with me and this was the first thorough u/s he has attended, which was fun.  My OB sends patients to the high-risk OB at 12 weeks and 20 weeks (and I go to have clotting monitored) so today we met with the high-risk OB who talked us through options for prenatal genetic testing.  We'll start with the MaterniT21 and go from there, but of course my history of POF, infertility, and miscarriage, I want to know everything that we can, but I do not want to take any unnecessary risks (e.g., amnio).  When they say that, statistically, it is very safe, I know that is true rationally.  But I've been at the wrong end of very good odds several times, so I no longer am comforted by slim chances.

Here's a little shot of our little one.  R and I are considering being surprised this time.  Thoughts? Have any of you waited?

Anyone up for a little bathroom talk?  B used the toilet (unprompted) numerous times over the weekend and woke up Monday morning and told me she wasn't wearing a pull up to school.  We went with it and she was accident free all day and pooped on the toilet three times (good lord).  I guess if you wait long enough, your child will potty train herself?  I know there will still be accidents, but she does seem to be doing really well, particularly at school.  I'm sure it helps that her classroom is children ages 2.5 through 3.5 so she is at the younger end and most are toilet trained and thus set a good example for her.

I'm still in a state of disbelief about things. I haven't told my parents and I've told only a few close friends.  My slightly protruding belly is going to start giving things away in a few weeks, though, and I have no idea how I will broach this topic at work.

Homeland

We've finally settled into our home enough to find time in the evening to watch a show and Homeland Season 6 is the show of choice.  Peter Quinn returns in this season as a central character and it made me think about how I can trace so much of what has happened in the past 4 years to which seasons of Homeland we were watching (I know, it is ridiculous).

We were watching Season 1 while I was pregnant with Q and it's where we first heard the name Quinn, which ultimately became our first daughter's name.  It's a character's last name, but we fell in love with it and thought it would be perfect for our little girl, which it is.  After Quinn died, we returned home in a cloud of grief and I recall binge watching Seasons 2 and 3 when it was easier to lose myself in a TV show than to allow myself to obsess over everything going terribly wrong in our life.  We watched Season 4 in the weeks leading up to B's birth and in her first days at home (I was so worried about watching it while she slept on my chest because it's so violent - I'm pretty sure she couldn't even make out my face at that point).

I am, miraculously, still pregnant and here we are watching Season 6.  It's a wonderful distraction from obsessing over miscarriage rates (I have visited this site more times than I'd like to admit), possible chromosomal abnormalities, blood clots, and the myriad ways in which a pregnancy can go awry.  I haven't allowed myself to worry too much thus far, mostly because I've been trying to pretend this isn't happening in an effort to protect myself.  We all know that never works.  I'm hugely invested in this pregnancy and the swell of joy I feel at each ultrasound when I see those little arms and legs moving and listen to the baby's heartbeat is truly incredible.  Today was no exception.  I am officially a patient of my regular OB now instead of my RE and today I got to see this tiny person bopping around in my belly and measuring 10 weeks with a heartbeat of 170 bpm.

R and I have literally exchanged 10 words on the topic and he hasn't been to an appointment yet (I felt superstitious and wanted to go alone), but he'll join me next week (my regular OB wants to see me weekly through the first trimester).  I've been feeling okay - definitely strong aversions to certain foods, some nausea, and exhaustion.  I caught strep throat last week, which hit me like a ton of bricks.  Thankfully, you can take penicillin when pregnant and I'm already feeling much better.

I'm also likely to commit to a new job this week and since I feel so uncertain about this pregnancy, I'm trying to not let myself ponder what it would mean to start a new job at 12 weeks pregnant.  Instead, I'm focusing on making B's Halloween costume, enjoying this luxurious period where I have childcare and no job, seeing friends, and relaxing.... and trying to take this all one day at a time.

First Ultrasound

I had my first ultrasound last week at what I thought would be 7 weeks from ovulation.  It wasn't until 1 PM so the day was dominated by me feeling intensely anxious.  By the time I was waiting in the doctor's office, my heart was beating out of my chest and my blood pressure was really high.  Thankfully, this ultrasound was with my RE's office and pretty much every woman having an ultrasound there is terrified so she didn't waste any time.

I first saw the heartbeat, which made me breath a sigh of relief.  Baby measured 7 weeks and 2 days with a heartbeat of 148 bpm.  My RE said everything looked "great" and we'll check again at 9 weeks, at which point I would be related to my high-risk OB.

Disbelief is definitely a leading emotion I'm feeling and of course I'm hesitated to feel excited.  I'm allowing some room for hope but remaining cautious.  My college roommate is visiting this weekend and we were supposed to run a trail 1/2 marathon in the mountains, which I bowed out of at my doctor's orders.  I have felt utterly exhausted and nauseated, which I take as good signs.  K and I stayed the night in Salida, Colorado before our race.  It was my first night away from R&B since we left on our trip and it was actually incredibly relaxing and just what I needed.  Plus, the leaves are starting to change in the mountains and I was reminded of why I love living in Colorado so much.

So... that's the news for now.  Next u/s is September 28th.  Fingers (and legs) crossed.

Another Day, Another Miscarriage

I'm right back where I was last spring, just four weeks farther along than last time.  Yesterday we saw an OB in Kauai and the baby hadn't grown since six weeks and three days and there was no longer a heartbeat.  R & B were there with and just looking over at them and seeing B smile at me and give me a big hug made the whole situation survivable, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't devastated, disappointed, sad, and, frankly, really f-ing angry.  I would just rather not repeatedly get pregnant only to find out the pregnancy isn't viable, and this one feels worse because we saw a heartbeat and I'm now 10+ weeks with *no* signs of miscarriage.  In fact, my HCG yesterday was 25,000 so clearly my body has not yet caught on.

Given how high my HCG is, the OB here wants me to come back in for a scan with their radiology department (better equipment) to confirm it isn't a molar pregnancy.  My Colorado OB (with whom I've spoken several times) thinks this is highly unlikely, but of course I'm going to go in to confirm.

Most of all, I feel foolish.  Foolish for getting my hopes up, foolish for thinking this was our second rainbow baby, imagining flying home mid-summer instead of next winter so that I could have this baby at home, worrying about the logistics of getting meds, etc.  None of it matters and why haven't I learned my lesson about thinking things will work out?

I am, of course, already thinking about what is next.  I'll take misoprostol again to induce bleeding so that everything can be "take care of" before we leave the U.S. (on February 12th).  And then what?  I know in my heart I'm not done - I want to have another baby.  But I am beginning to wonder if that is wise.  I'm 36 years old.  I have POF.  I now have a history of recurrent miscarriages, presumably due to chromosomal abnormalities.  I have complicated pregnancies.  I keep thinking: "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me."

One silver lining to all of this is that, so far, I feel much better emotionally than I did last spring.  Even with getting my hopes up, I knew better than to tell many people, make plans, or really give this pregnancy much credence.  I don't know if that is helping or the fact that I'm with my family in Hawaii but I don't feel the darkness overwhelming me like I did last spring.  Who knows?  It's too soon to tell how I'll feel in a few days, but I'm trying to keep perspective and stay as positive as possible.

So that's the (depressing, frustrating, infuriating, disappointing) update from here.

A Birthday and a Heartbeat

We went in Tuesday morning for an ultrasound.  I was terrified and on the way in to the office, R said, "Are you nervous? I thought we were just pretending this wasn't happening so that we wouldn't get upset if it didn't work out." I was incredulous -- MEN!  Sure, I said that, but did he really think I haven't been thinking about this baby every other minute since my positive pregnancy test?

Anyway, I couldn't look at the screen and finally Susie (the sonographer who I know well) said, "D, you should look" and I could see the tiny flicker of a heartbeat on the screen.

I felt a rush of relief and have now let myself consider the possibility that things could work out.

It's super late here and I'm exhausted.  We are frantically packing and organizing our house, running errands, switching cell phone providers, etc. in preparation for our departure next week.  I now am adding to that list to figure out health insurance and how to get Lovenox in New Zealand, Sydney and/or Japan, and probably in Europe.  Thrilled to have this problem, of course...

The positive ultrasound and a good workout yesterday gave me a little boost that I've needed this week, plus today is B's SECOND BIRTHDAY!   The 30th is the anniversary of L's death and it is definitely weighing on me, but B had so much fun decorating cupcakes with her friends, singing the happy birthday song over and over, opening a few presents, and toting her balloons all around the house that it lifted my spirits immensely.  I'm going to steal an idea from a fellow baby loss Mom and run 3 miles on the 30th for the 3rd anniversary of L's death.  

  

B enjoying her balloons immensely. Please ignore the total mess that is/was our office and is now the repository for items that still need to be packed.  Our house is a disaster!

So Much for Luck

We went for a 6-week ultrasound today.  We could see a gestational sac but no yolk sac or fetal pole or heartbeat.  Either my timing is off (unlikely) in terms of date count or I am going to have a miscarriage.  I'm sure it is the latter -- I'm pretty positive on ovulation date and I know that what we saw today is not good news.  I know the u/s tech very well and she was very sweet about it and reminded me that 33% of pregnancies end in miscarriage and that what this likely means is that something is/was wrong.

I am crushed.  This is not how I felt when we lost Q, of course. But I'd be lying if I hadn't already been thinking about this baby and what he/she would be like, how different our lives would be come November, etc.  Even though I told myself not to, I'd been making plans.

Don't I know better by know?

Everything does feel different with B at home. I snuggled her extra long this morning before the appointment and I'm going to head home early to see her tonight.  I know how lucky we are to have her and how much joy she brings to us.

Nevertheless, I'm quite sad.

We'll do a repeat ultrasound next Monday unless I start bleeding between now and then and decide next steps then.

Beta #2 & Luck?

Phew.  Another deep breath over here.  My second beta came back at 151.  I'll wait now until what should be the 6 week mark and have an ultrasound to see if there is a heartbeat and things are developing appropriately.

I have a dear friend who went through years of struggling to get pregnant and is about to have her second baby thanks to IVF.  We have been a constant source of support for one another over the last 3 years with our various struggles.  She said to me the other day that she thinks I might be one of the most fertile of her friends.  She and I are very close and I know she didn't mean anything negative about what she said, but the comment has been repeating in my head since she made it.  And it makes me feel guilty.

R and I tried for almost a year to get pregnant the first time, and in the middle of that year I found out that I have Premature Ovarian Failure (POF) (now they call it Primary Ovarian Insufficiency, but once someone tells you that you have a condition with the word "failure" in it, it tends to stick with you).  I was told verbatim that we were "never going to have a child using my eggs."  My own OB (who I consider a dear friend at this point) told me that I should use donor eggs. Everything was so incredibly grim, as many of you can relate.  And then it got worse after I had my surprise pregnancy with Q and we lost her.  I thought I had already hit rock bottom when we got the infertility news, but little did I know...

And then we got lucky again.

But here's the thing... I don't know how much this helps/matters, but the first two times I got pregnant, I had an ultrasound (coincidentally) the day I was about to ovulate. I happen to have gone in for ultrasounds for another reason (in both cases b/c I was having an extremely long cycle and we were seeing if I had a cyst or some other issue), only to see an ovary entirely covered by an egg.  Both times the sonographer and doctor said it could be an egg or it could be a cyst, but if an egg I was about to ovulate, so it was time to "get busy."  So, yes, I've been pregnant twice without intervention, but I did have really good intel as to timing intercourse, not to mention doing acupuncture, taking supplements, having changed my diet, etc.

I didn't have an ultrasound recently, but I have been tracking my cycles, taking DHEA and various other supplements, and generally being healthy with exercise, eating right, and not drinking.  And I have been getting my period since November so it has been almost six months.

I'm being incredibly inarticulate, but somehow I'm feeling guilty about her comment and generally about writing a blog about infertility and loss when I've now had 3 BFPs. Sure, I have only one living child right now (and now the hope for one more) and certainly we've been through the ringer, but I can think back to how I felt 3 years ago when I got the POF diagnosis and how hopeless I felt and I think I might have been totally irked if I read my own blog at that time.  Either that, or it might inspire hope, which I hope is the case.

Regardless, I just want to say that despite losing Q and struggling through the devastation that is having a stillborn child, I do feel lucky that we got pregnant again, against all odds.  Please don't think that for one second I forget how fortunate I am and how grateful I am for our little B.

My ultrasound is scheduled for March 28th.  Fingers (and legs) are crossed.

33 Weeks

Happy Thanksgiving!  I hope everyone is enjoying a long weekend away from work and that time of year isn't especially hard... I know the holidays can be such a tough, tough time when you are struggling with infertility or loss.  They certainly still serve as a huge trigger for me - this time last year I was 21 weeks pregnant with L and all I could think about was how different the holidays would be for us this year.  I'm thinking of you all and hoping that even if life isn't going as planned right now, you have still found people or things to be thankful for this week... I know I am thankful for all of those who read and comment on this little blog (you! thank you!).  It is so wonderful to not feel so alone.  Thank you!

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Today marks 33 weeks!  Thank you all for your thoughts on getting the non-stress test (NST).  I had my first one on Tuesday of this week.  I'm not sure the name "NST" is fitting in terms of how the first one went!  I was settled into the recliner and strapped to the baby heart rate monitor and the contraction monitor and baby's heart rate was consistently between 130 and 140, which is great.  However, she appeared to be asleep, so I felt very few movements and there were no spikes in her heart rate, which is apparently what they are looking for (movement combined with spikes to show activity).  After an hour and a can of juice (which did no good), we called it and I had an ultrasound.  I wasn't worried that something terrible was happening, but I didn't feel great about the test and it was just unnerving.  I found myself getting a little panicky and thinking "This is it. I'm going to be admitted to the hospital right now."

Everything was fine.  Once we started the ultrasound, she started moving around and all of the measurements are right on schedule so there was no cause for concern.  Apparently I am to eat a meal before I come in for my next NST so this doesn't happen again.

So, baby looks great (and so baby-like at this point), although she has flipped back over and is again in breech position, which I am hoping she'll resolve in the next few weeks.  I had been feeling this movements very low in my pelvis, which now makes sense... she's kicking me with her tiny feet.

We didn't "schedule" the induction, but my OB is on call on the 26th through 28th of December, so we'll likely start on the 26th.  It seems crazy, but that is one month away.  We just need to hang on and stay healthy for one more month.

33 weeks! It looks like her tiny nose is pressed up against a window.
And those lips!  I cannot wait to meet her.

30 Weeks

This is a big 3-0 that I don't mind reaching (I wasn't as crazy about my 30th birthday).  I'm 30 weeks today and, officially, 7 weeks plus a few days from my induction.   Less than two months!  I can hardly believe it.

I had an appointment earlier this week with my OB, which included another growth scan, and an appointment with my MFM, and everything seems to be going well.  Baby (still no nickname) is growing and looking fatter by the week!  She weighs 3 pounds and is in the 46th percentile.  An epidural is out for me, so I'll take a baby on the smaller side, thank you.

I saw my therapist last week and she encouraged me to start thinking about some preparation for the little one.  I have been reluctant to do anything beyond making a detailed list of things we need that I can order from the hospital, but I took what she said to heart and talked it over with my husband.  He said he is ready to prepare a bit and that gave me the confidence to do the same.  We've since ordered a glider and ottoman and selected a crib and dresser (we haven't ordered them yet, but I will).  It feels crazy to be planning for this baby to arrive (and to be alive)... but it also feels exciting and really, really good, so I am going with it.  We also booked a weekend getaway in early December (just to the mountains, no airplanes).

October flew by and I am hoping that November will do the same and be similarly uneventful.  Next week we see the high-risk OB and will talk over the details and timing of the induction.  When she brought this up around 14 weeks, I barely listened because it seemed improbable that we would get there, but now I'm looking forward to learning some details and perhaps even scheduling it.  Yikes.

I'm getting kicked as I write this and it is just the best feeling... keep it up, little one.

27 Weeks, 4 Days

It's all uncharted territory at this point.  I delivered L at 26 weeks and a 3 days, although we already knew that we had lost her.  You all know I've been a bit stressed out the last few weeks as we got through the time period when everything fell apart with L... not that there is any correlation between that time period specifically and the likelihood of me clotting again, but it certainly existed in my head.

Writing or speaking about positive aspects of this pregnancy worries me because I fear jinxing everything, but I'm going to do it today in an effort to be optimistic and rational.  

• I saw my vascular surgeon last week and had full ultrasounds on both legs and my stent (located in my IVC). My veins and blood flow look great and my stent is open and in place.   Phew.
• I passed my glucose test last week with flying colors.  Woo!  I didn't really think it was that bad?!  The drink didn't taste good, but I just drank it as quickly as possible and then went in for an ultrasound. 
• My Anti XA level dropped to the border between therapeutic and prophylactic.  I have to stay comfortably in a therapeutic range, so I am bumping up dosages again.  My high-risk OB manages this and reminds me that this is normal as blood flow increases from pregnancy and I gain weight, but my regular OB also told me she has never had a patient on as much Lovenox as I am on (100 mg, 2x day).  It worries me a little bit, but I try not to think about it (and I do look forward to the day when I no longer have to take blood thinners).
• Babies measurements are all back on track and comfortably around the 50th percentile.

In non-medical good news, my in-laws visited last week and are now gone (their visits stress me out quite a bit), and I spent last weekend with my college roommates, which was just wonderful.  We see each other once a year and getting to catch up and talk about life and just have fun together is a highlight of every year.  I also have one last work trip this week and then will officially be done traveling.

So... the third trimester is just a few days away, which I can hardly believe, and I have allowed myself several moments of thinking that things might just be different this time.  It terrifies me to have these thoughts, but every night when this baby kicks away and each week that I creep closer to being full-term, I hope and pray and sometimes allow myself to believe that things will be different.  We'll see.

I had an ultrasound yesterday and have to share this 3D face image that I just love.  Holy baby!  My husband says she has my nose!  

Oh, and one funny thing that happened last week.  I traveled to San Diego for work and when I was waiting in the security line in San Diego, a TSA agent offered me a WHEELCHAIR.  He was very sweet and wanted to be sure I was okay, but I got all flustered - How bad do I look if apparently I appear to need a wheelchair?  Do I look like I need a wheelchair?  I'm still running - I hope I look like I can survive a security line.  Anyway, it cracked me up and I kindly declined his offer.  

25 Weeks, 4 Days

I'm 25 weeks and 4 days today.  Tomorrow is the day I was admitted to the hospital with L.  I knew this was going to be a tough week and L certainly has been at the forefront of my mind, but here I am - just one day away from being the "most pregnant" I've ever been.

We did get good news yesterday that is helping to quell my anxiety.  I had a growth ultrasound and baby's head is measuring right on!  She's overall measuring one day shy of her due date and everything looks great.  Susie (u/s tech) and I spent some time just watching her move around, suck her thumb, etc. and it was just so reassuring (as are her kicks).  I breathed a sigh of relief that her growth caught up and, in general, to be at this point without back or leg pain or signs of clotting.

I'm (obviously) still worried about things taking a turn for the worse without me knowing, but I left my appointment with the most wonderful feeling yesterday like things might work out.  I am cringing as I write that because I don't want to jinx things, but I'm trying to think that being positive probably has a better effect on my mental health and therefore the health of this baby than is outweighed by being superstitious.  So, I'm choosing to try to be let myself me optimistic when I feel up to it.

Anyway, just a little update.  I've got a smile on my face and will try to keep it that way through the rest of this tough week.  

A Terrible Tale from El Salvador & 24 Weeks

My husband shared this podcast with me last night.  Quintanilla, an El Salvandorian woman, lost a baby at 7 months.  She was accused of aborting the baby, even though it was stillborn, and was imprisoned as a result.  I can't even imagine being imprisoned after the trauma of having a stillborn baby - being accused of aborting your baby when you had a horrific medical event that caused your baby's death.  The following is an excerpt from the whole story, but if you want to read the whole story, you can do so here.  I know things aren't perfect in the United States, but this is a reminder of how good we have it relative to many others.

In Quintanilla's case, an anonymous hospital worker had called the police and accused Quintanilla of having an abortion. As a result, she was dragged into a court case that lasted almost 12 months. 

She and her family members say they'd been eagerly awaiting the birth of her second child. They'd even had a baby shower for her. Quintanilla says emphatically that she did not kill her baby. 

The hospital had found no evidence that she had intentionally aborted the pregnancy. But the district attorney pushed forward anyway, arguing that Quintanilla had terminated the pregnancy because she couldn't support another child.

During the trial, Quintanilla says, her public defender was awful and couldn't even remember her name.  In the end, she was sentenced to 30 years in prison. She served four years before a young lawyer stumbled across her case and managed to get her sentence overturned. He argued successfully that no one ever established the cause of her baby's death.

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In happier news, I had an appointment yesterday(24 weeks, 3 days) and our ultrasound looked good.  My office will only do measurements every 2 weeks, but the baby was moving everywhere and looked great and my ultrasound tech (who I love and see every time I go in), said she was so upset that Dr. G mentioned the small head.  She said that if she were worried, she would tell me and that everything looks great.  And my doctor didn't mention it at all and felt like things were going well.  I'm trying to just take that to heart and be as calm as possible about things.  Next Tuesday I'll get another growth scan and hopefully her head will be growing!

In the meantime, my favorite 3D image from Tuesday.  She is starting to look like a "real" baby!  Look at that nose and those lips!  The image is a bit blurry because she would not stay still, but I love it (and her).  Thanks to you all for your support with my freak out last week, it really means a lot to me.

My First Freak Out

I know these feelings were/are inevitable, but it has happened.  I'm officially in the midst of feeling very anxious about this pregnancy.  After seeing the high-risk OB on Friday (who was very pleased with how things are looking and not at all worried that our little girl is a little small), I saw my normal OB yesterday.  She noted that while on average (the average of all the measurements taken, baby girl is just 2 days behind (which is normal), her head measurement is quite small.  She (OB) said that if it were the abdomen, they would be worried, but they don't worry with the head and sometimes babies are just small.

Regardless, I am freaking out.  This has (unsurprisingly) led me to Google "small head on baby 23 weeks."  There haven't been any terrifying results (don't tell me if you know of any), but I see this as the beginning of growth restriction, which suggests clotting, so of course I am extremely worried.  My OB wasn't, and she just wants me to come in weekly to see how things are going, but the mere fact that she raised the issue has me extremely concerned.  This is coupled with the fact that my fundal height is actually measuring ahead (26 weeks), so it doesn't comport with the baby being small.

There isn't really a point to this post (is there a point to any of them?), but I'm just venting because I am concerned.  I see my doctor again next Tuesday, but of course I know I will be worried until I see her squirming around and hopefully with a larger head size.

Has anyone had any experience with a baby measuring small (particularly the head)?

I'll leave you with a very cute (in my opinion) photo of baby girl's legs, which she was daintily crossing during our ultrasound.  She was also holding her feet in her hands next to her face - so very flexible!

Thanks, as always, for listening.

23 Weeks

Another week has come and gone and things are looking good.  I met with our high-risk OB this morning.  My ultrasound looked good and this little girl was moving around a bit and waving her arms for us.  She's measuring just shy of 23 weeks and the doctor thought everything looked great.  Phew.  She weighs 1.3 pounds today, which is more than L weighed when she was born.

I'm still loving having a posterior placenta and feeling all of her kicks.  There were a few big ones last night and I just love staring at my belly as it moves.  That will never get old.

I'm thankful for another week with a healthy baby and am trying to approach the time when we lost L with optimism and a positive attitude.  This time, things will be different.

To my grapefruit-sized baby in there, please just keep growing and kicking!  We can't wait to meet you in a few months.

Halfway

Sort of giving us a thumbs up?

We are back from an incredibly relaxing and adventurous vacation in the mountains, followed by a productive Labor Day weekend at home where I got so many organizing projects done.  Perhaps I am starting to nest?  I felt this overwhelming urge to sort through all of our closets, get organized, get rid of stuff, etc.

I'm 20 weeks and 5 days along today and we've officially passed the halfway point.  My ultrasound today looked good and baby is measuring 1 day shy of today's date, which I was reassured is just fine and totally normal.

I'd been feeling really great until I weighed myself at the doctor's office today.  One month ago, I weighed NINE pounds less than I do today.  NINE.  I have been eating healthy and exercising a lot (sticking to my 10,000 steps each day or more, still running, etc.) so I am totally befuddled and as much as I know I shouldn't let it bother me (and the doctor said the same thing - she said I looked healthy and that was good enough for her), I am sort of beside myself about it.  I know that excessive weight gain puts you at greater risk for clotting, which is part of why I am worked up about it.... and I just generally like to be healthy and this seems quite unhealthy to me.

To focus on the positive, baby is looking good, and I can feel her kick ALL the time. I love it.  I could sit and stare at my moving stomach all day long... but alas, that is frowned upon in the office.  So, overall a great visit and week.  Below is the first bump shot I've shared.  I think it is finally obvious to everyone that I am pregnant, not just packing on the pounds.  Or maybe I am doing both?

17 Weeks

This morning I breathed a huge sigh of relief.  I had become absolutely convinced in the last week that something was wrong with this baby.  The combination of the ultrasound where she was sleeping and having trouble with the doppler (and my general anxiety and fear about this pregnancy) resulted in me just agonizing all week about her not being okay.

But then.... there she was!  Moving away and with a strong heartbeat in the 140s.

Today I feel like the luckiest person in the world.  Hello, baby!  Hello, cute feet!

The sonographer was able to basically do a full anatomy scan as well (we have the official scan with the high-risk OB next Friday) and everything looks great so far.  We could see her brain, spine, liver, etc.  It was amazing.  She also scolded me for not coming in sooner since I was feeling so anxious, gave me her cell phone number, and told me the next time I was worrying to just call and she'd squeeze me in.  I have no doubt I'll take her up on it as we creep closer to when we lost L.

I'm just feeling so thankful today.  Thankful for this baby, for my supportive husband, family and friends, and for support from readers who I haven't met, but who have shared in similar experiences and can empathize in a way that others cannot.  Thank you!

One more week down...

15 Weeks & Perceptive People

On Friday, I had an incredibly sweet woman at work come up to my desk and ask (in a very hushed voice) if I am pregnant.  Now I haven't told anyone at work, so I figured that my attempt to wear blousy tops to mask my bump must be failing.  Instead, after I responded "yes," and asked "Is it that obvious?" she actually said "No" and that she could tell because I seemed so much happier these last few weeks.

She wasn't being nosy and I wasn't at all offended by her upfront question because she knew all about L and we actually had a heart to heart about her own fertility struggles (she is probably 30 years older than me).  She was actually one of Dr. Schoolcraft's first patients (pre-CCRM) and one of the first women to undergo IVF (for the record, it didn't work for her, and she was on a few adoption lists when she naturally conceived after years of trying).

It really just drove home that it isn't just that I feel better and have hope again, but that those emotions and feelings are visible to everyone around me, which made me a little sad and made me reflect on just how tough things have been... not that they are all wonderful now with the anxiety surrounding this pregnancy, but I am no longer wallowing in a despair.  I'm even able to think about L in a happy, nostalgic way without always ending up in tears.

And speaking of anxiety, guess who failed to make it to her next ultrasound without scheduling a last-minute ultrasound last week?  Yes, that would be me.  I have just been fretting a bit about going almost 4 weeks without seeing this little girl move around, particularly since I can't feel her yet and this morning I desperately wanted some reassurance.  I went in on Friday.  Her little heart was beating away... but she was sleeping. I've never seen a baby sleep on an ultrasound before.  The tech assured me this was normal, but it is freaking me about a bit.  She was just so still!  Has anyone else seen their baby sleeping on an ultrasound?  L was *always* moving and so far this baby has been, too.

Oh, and my doppler arrived, but I've been too nervous about it creating extra anxiety to actually use it.  I'm really looking forward to when this baby starts moving around so I can feel her and be reassured!

12 Weeks

We snuck in our 12-week ultrasound last Thursday before dashing to the airport for a trip east to see family and sneak in beach time over the 4th of July weekend.  My husband hadn't been to an ultrasound since 6 weeks, so it was awesome for him to be there and to see the baby's growth.   Everything looked good at the ultrasound and we are just awaiting the results of our MaterniT21 test (which we likely won't have until next week).  

This was our first pregnant visit to the high-risk OB.  We saw a different one than we saw in the hospital when I lost L and when we had our non-pregnant consult.  I don't love her bedside manner as she was a bit brusque, but the visit was fine and she seems to know her stuff, including enough about clotting and our situation to make me feel comfortable.  I've mentioned this before, but I feel as though I spend a lot of time wrangling doctors and making sure they all know what the other has told me... it is exhausting keeping all of their opinions straight and trying not to trample on their sometimes very fragile egos!

Our little baby was moving all around.... not as much as L did at her 12-week ultrasound, but still bouncing around in my uterus.  I hate that I compare the two ultrasounds (and the two pregnancies in general), but I just can't help but go there.  It is the same way that I compare my cravings (currently mashed potatoes, salt and vinegar potato chips, and any salad with mayo, which I usually never eat (e.g., egg salad, chicken salad, potato salad)), which are different in this pregnancy.  I have this bizarre feeling I've shared before about this false sense of control if I do things a certain way.... if I don't crave the same things, this baby will live.... if this baby moves differently, he or she will definitely make it.  Totally ridiculous, I know.

For now, we've made it to 12 weeks.  My next ultrasound will be at 13 weeks, 4 days, which according to some sources means I will have made it to the second trimester.  We shall see.  One day at a time.