The Final Countdown

I'm 36 weeks pregnant today and have 2 weeks until my scheduled c-section.  After much deliberation, we pushed the date back to exactly 38 weeks so this baby will have a bit more time to grow.  There is the added benefit that, if all goes as planned, I will have all of next week off of work to relax, set up the room, and prepare for baby's arrival, plus spend some quality time with B.  This past weekend we picked up a crib from a friend who kindly offered hers to us (I sold B's crib and dresser last summer), borrowed a Halo bassinet and Dock-a-Tot friend a different friend, and moved everything out of the office so that it could officially become baby's room.  I have yet to go through any of B's clothes, but I have ordered diapers and wipes and will take the time next week to sort through B's newborn gear for gender-neutral clothes.

All things considered, I feel relatively calm about delivery and the next two weeks. I had a non-stress test last week and have another tomorrow morning.  As always, they begin with more stress since inevitably it takes a while to find the baby's heartbeat (every single time).  Even when I felt a kick moments prior, panic begins to set in.  

I can't tell if I have completely forgotten how I felt with B, but I FEEL very pregnant these days. I'm having shortness of breath, lightheadedness, and generally am completely exhausted.  I'm still getting to pilates a few times each week, but my energy levels are really low and I feel like I am letting B down in my lack of enthusiasm for running playing, climbing, etc. I truly don't recall feeling this way with B, but then I wasn't chasing a toddler, making meals, doing bedtime, etc.  I suspect I just came home from work and laid down? 

My OB again raised the possibility of tying my tubes and while R seemed ready to sign on the dotted line, I am not.  Do I think we will have a fourth child?  No.  Do I like even considering this before giving birth to a third baby? Absolutely not.  But do I like the finality of making this decision now?  No, thank you.  

B has suggested some classic names for this baby: Hot Sauce, Latte Shop, Stop Sign, Coffee, and Blythe.  We joked that if we had the baby on April Fool's Day, we'd send out an announcement saying we named it Latte Shop Levy because it has a nice ring. 

I am having trouble wrapping my head around the fact that it is April and that on the morning of 4/16, I will have a c-section and hopefully deliver a healthy baby into this world.  My due date with Q was 4/9 and it is ironic to me that this baby will be due so close to that date and that B was born 2 days shy of the anniversary of Q's death.  It is wonderful to have important dates to celebrate during times that would otherwise be marked solely by sadness.

So, that's the report from here.  T-minus 2 weeks. Two doctor's appointments remaining (and two more NSTs).  No more ultrasounds unless something unexpected happens.   We are crossing fingers and toes around here that nothing happens in the interim and that this baby arrives safe and sound.

I have been trying to take time to do little random acts of kindness for R and B and to pamper myself a bit.  Last week a friend and I went to see Hamilton, which was fantastic, and exceeded my expectations in so many ways.  I've been getting regular massages and have 2 more scheduled before baby arrives.  I'm letting myself enjoy my pilates class or a night out with friends rather than feeling guilty about it as I often do (this was a resolution for 2018).   I'm both so very excited to meet this baby and aware that our world is going to change and want to be sure B (and R) know how much I love them.  I hear over and over that loves multiples rather than divides, but I am nervous about making sure everyone knows and feels loved, especially B.

Oh, one final observation from this pregnancy.  Two things have happened that didn't happen with B that have totally weirded me out:

• I have been leaking milk for the last few weeks.  Not much at all, but it is there.  I hope this bodes well for breastfeeding again.
• My belly button has been "out" for weeks (months, really).  This didn't happen with B and I find it so creepy.  

I'll leave you on that happy note... 

Meet Me Halfway

19 weeks!

Technically, I won't be 20 weeks until next Monday, but for me 19 weeks marks halfway through this pregnancy as my high-risk OB informed me at our mid-pregnancy anatomy scan that she wants to schedule a c-section for sometime between 37 and 38 weeks.  So there you have it, friends.  Fingers and legs (and toes and everything else) crossed, we'll meet this baby, boy or girl, in mid-April.

Suddenly, this pregnancy feels very real.  Somewhere around week 18 I popped and now it is quite tricky to hide the bump.  I finally told the head fo my new law firm and while I haven't told my other co-workers, I'm no longer avoiding maternity clothes and fitted tops at work.  The best thing is that I am feeling this baby move!  Despite having an anterior placenta, which makes it more difficult to detect movement, I'm definitely feeling it, especially when I lay down at night to read.  I'm excited for a few weeks from now when the movements are strong enough that R and B will be able to feel them as well.

Telling my boss was interesting and went about as well as I could expect.  Keep in mind that I have only been at this job for 6 weeks, so obviously I was pregnant when I accepted and started.  I decided to be direct: "I'm pregnant.  I wanted to tell you when I joined (which is true), but this is actually my fifth pregnancy and given the fact that pregnancy has often not ended well for us, I wasn't ready to tell you or anyone else when I accepted the job."  It went something like that.  He was wonderful about it -- he has five (!) daughters and was just so happy that we were having another kid and was just great about it.  The whole conversation was a huge relief and I felt so much better about everything at work afterward.

Oh, and our mid-pregnancy anatomy scan looked great.  Baby was moving around like crazy, everything was measuring on track, and he or she has all of the organs you'd expect to see.  We breathed a big sigh of relief.

This little girl's happiness related to all things Christmas is infectious

And here we are in December.  The tricky thing is that everything about this pregnancy reminds me of being pregnant with Q (Baby L - it's confusing, her name starts with Q, but L, which stands for Lemon, was her nickname throughout my pregnancy).  Q was due in early April.  She died on December 30th.  And going into the holidays, I felt great... until I didn't.  Christmas of that year was awful, including a Christmas Eve phone call to the emergency line at my doctor's office, no sleep, and being so uncomfortable I couldn't even walk a hundred yards.  Whenever I think about that Christmas, I get furious at myself for not trusting my instincts, knowing something was wrong, and driving myself to the ER.  So even though I am being closely monitored and I'm taking tons of Lovenox so getting a blood clot is virtually impossible, I'm just anxious about letting my guard down and letting myself get excited -- even know I rationally know this a different pregnancy.   Don't get me wrong - I am just thrilled about this baby and I have moments of being incredibly optimistic and imagining Rob putting this baby in my arms in April and telling me whether it is a boy or girl... but those moments are always tempered by thoughts of cord accidents and blood clots and unexplained late term losses.  Every time a pregnant woman tells me she feels great now that she is 26 weeks along and the baby will be fine no matter what, I have to bite my tongue not to tell them that isn't true.   I know these feelings are exacerbated because we are fast-approaching B's 3rd birthday, which is followed 2 days later by the anniversary of Q's death.  She would be 4.  FOUR.  How is that possible?  What would she be like?  I so desperately wish that I knew.

What is keeping me from a downward spiral of sadness and introspection on this topic is the fact that B is giddy about Christmas and her impending birthday.  Each morning we go downstairs and check the advent calendar for a little treat for her.  We've talked about the cupcakes she'll take to school for her birthday and I mailed invitations to her (very small) party yesterday.  Her joy for this season is contagious and I'm trying to stay present in that feeling instead of the others, although I will make space for the sadness this month, too. I always do.

I'm thinking of all of you who have lost babies this month and sending lots of love.  And I'm giving B extra snuggles and kisses and love because I am able to --- and how lucky am I for that?

How was your birth experience?

Last week, B and I walked to the grocery store for a few things.  While we were waiting in the checkout line, the woman behind me said, "I'm studying to become a doula.  How was your birth experience?"

[deep breath]

I know there is always a choice in how we respond to questions like this.  I could have just said that it was great and left it at that, but I think this is an intensely personal question and is it really appropriate to ask random people at the grocery store?  

I decided to just answer but to be straightforward: "She's happy and healthy and that is all that we wanted."  I then turned back to face the other way and hoped that was the end of the conversation.

It wasn't.  She then asked where we delivered and how.  Seriously?  So I told her the name of the hospital and said that I'd had a c-section.  I got the classic disappointed look and a "Oh... well did you schedule it?"  And then I got irked.  So what if I had?  Even if I had just scheduled it because I wanted a c-section and not because of a medical reason.  Is it any of her business.  

"No," I said.  "I didn't schedule it.  I was induced and ended up needing a c-section."  [Again, hoping this would end the conversation.]

"Why were you induced if you don't mind me asking?"  Really?  I thought I was abundantly clear with my tone that I DID mind, but apparently not.  And I thought I could just tell this woman that I was induced because I have a clotting disorder or I could just be completely honest and hopefully make her feel a bit uncomfortable so she might not harass other women in the store in the future.  So, I went for it.

"I had a daughter that was stillborn," I said.  "And I have a clotting disorder."  I then went on to make a point of telling her that I didn't care one bit about having a c-section and actually thought it was pretty great.

That look that people get on their face when you mention losing a child.  It gets me every time.  She looked (finally) horrified that she had pushed so far and kept asking questions and also sad and a little shocked and then she *finally* stopped asking about my birth and started asking me questions about B.

I've never been happier for my turn to check out at a store.  

One Month & Pregnancy and Parenting Pressures

Baby B is one month old today!  It's hard to believe but I can tell she is growing and changing all the time and I am starting to pick up on what her different cries mean, how to soothe her, etc. (ha - even as I write this I know she is plotting some way to confuse me this afternoon).  I still marvel at her existence on a daily basis.  Her eyelashes.  Her soft skin.  Her skinny legs and tiny feet.  Her long fingers.  Her blue eyes.  Anyway...

The frog legs.  The hair.  Love her so much.

First, I've been listening to "The Longest Shortest Time" podcast and am hooked.  Do any of you listen?  If not, give it a try if podcasts are your thing.  It is all about the early months of parenting and I'm loving the topics and interviews.

In our walks around the neighborhood and late-night feeding sessions, I've had a lot of time to think about pregnancy, birth, being a Mom to a living baby (wow, never thought I'd write that), and just how life is so different.  Yesterday I had a conversation with one of my best friends who is also a pediatrician at a hospital.  We were discussing two things I have found to be totally crazy about giving birth and having a baby: c-sections and breastfeeding.

I had a c-section.  You can read my delivery story here if you'd like, but mine was medically necessary to save Baby B who was having decelerations.  It was terrifying (the decelerations) and I could not have cared less about how she came out of me, as long as she was alive.  That said, I didn't care ahead of the birth, either, except for the fact that I was on massive quantities of blood thinners, so a c-section was riskier for me than it normally us.

What I'm trying to get around to saying is that I have been astonished by the number of people who have expressed disappointment on my behalf because I had a c-section.  She is here safe and sound! Sure, would I have liked to avoid major abdominal surgery?  Of course!  But am I upset because I didn't get to have a vaginal delivery?  No, not at all. I don't feel like I had a worse experience or that I failed in some way.  My baby is alive.  I'm fine.  Mission accomplished.  I've just been really struck by this cultural bias towards vaginal birth and the desire to do so at all costs and then feeling disappointment or guilt after the fact if you end up with a c-section.  Obviously everyone is entitled to feel how they do personally, but do you really need to project your opinion onto other people!

And breastfeeding!  It is going well for us and I am extremely grateful for this fact.  It is so nice to be able to easily soothe her when she is hungry and to feed her on demand.  Perhaps I'd have a different perspective on this subject if it weren't going well for us, but I was astonished by the pressure in the hospital to breastfeed, the number of visits we had from the lactation consultants, and the realization that if B weren't latching, eating enough, etc., I would have been made to feel terrible about it.  I get that there are benefits to breastfeeding, but the pressure and the judgment is just so extreme these days.  Isn't the most important thing a happy, healthy, well-fed baby? If that requires formula, so be it!  I just listened to a great podcast on this subject if you want to hear more.

Just my thoughts on two early motherhood observations.  It would be easier if we could all just be nice to each other.  Everyone is doing their best!