Sugar & Spice

I am thrilled to share that we welcomed a healthy, screaming, beautiful baby girl on Monday, April 16th at 8:41 AM.  She weighed 7 pounds, 11 ounces and is perfect.  She has a head full of dark hair like her sister and as I type this, she is resting on my chest and I am pausing to kiss her head every 30 seconds or so.

Is it just me or do newborns smell divine?  There may not be a better scent than that of a newborn baby.

Despite big sister B's requests to call her Latte Shop, Coffee, Stop Sign, and Canopy, we have named her Claire.

My c-section was mercifully uneventful. Unlike when B was born, I walked myself into the OR, got a spinal/epidural combo, had some moments of feeling absolutely terrible and like I was about to pass out, which were fixed by some sort of concoction the anesthesiologist gave me by IV, and then we started.  I was prepared with a Spotify mix called C-Section Tunes that will most certainly go viral (ha), and Claire was born to the song "Show me love" by Robyn, which seems fitting.

Our journey to have babies started almost exactly five years ago.   Since then, I've had five pregnancies, two miscarriages, one stillborn daughter, and two incredible blessings in Baby B and Baby C.  I've been staring out the window at the spring blossoms on the trees remembering spring of 2013 when I thought I'd never have a child... and remembering spring of 2014 when Q had just died and I couldn't fathom feeling happy again... and spring of 2015 when I had B in my arms and was so filled with joy... and spring of 2016 after my first miscarriage when I realized how much I wanted to have another child... and spring of 2017 when we were in Japan and I'd had yet another miscarriage and was doing my best to stay positive, get healthy, and enjoy our travels amidst sadness, disappointment, and even some anger.

And here we are.  Thanks for following along on our journey.

(By the way, it was so fun to be surprised by the gender.  I was convinced we were having a boy and I'll never forget Rob's voice saying "It's a girl!"  More on the actual birth in my next post.)

Déjà vu

I had my NST this morning and the baby looked great - movements were as expected and no signs of contractions.  When I met with my OB following the NST, I mentioned that I have been having a lot of shortness of breath in the last week (more than previously), and not when I was doing anything.  At night when I try to read in bed, I cannot find a position (other than sitting up, criss-cross-applesauce) where I can get a "full" breath.

(I won't bury the lead - everything is fine)

Because of my history of blood clots in pregnancy, her concern was that, despite being on therapeutic anticoagulation (blood thinners - Lovenoax), I might have a pulmonary embolism (PE - a blood clot in my lungs).  Shortness of breath is completely normal in pregnancy, but you can't really be sure without getting a more thorough evaluation.  So, off to the ER I went.

I was initially pretty calm and felt certain that I didn't have a PE, but my EKG came back abnormal (which may be my normal, apparently EKGs are somewhat like fingerprints and each are different) and so the ER doctor felt that the abnormal EKG coupled with the shortness of breath meant I ought to have a CT scan.  I haven't had one before and when they ran through the litany of risks, I started to panic a bit (radiation exposure being the key risk for both Mom and baby).  

Mostly, the entire situation felt so similar to when I went to the ER with Q when I did have a clot and it went from being a normal day when I was pregnant to everything crashing down in a matter of moments.  I tried to stay calm, but I was alone and everything started to feel totally overwhelming.

In any event, my CT scan came back normal (no clots), the doctor recommended I have a follow-up EKG 2 months post-pregnancy to see if my EKG is still abnormal, and I went about my day, but the whole thing really shook me.  I am 12 days from meeting this baby and even being so very close, I know how many things can go wrong and yesterday just reminded me of that.

Needless to say, I'm looking forward to wrapping up work this week (Friday is my last day), and spending a week getting some rest -- and hopefully the week will be uneventful.

************************

One upside to spending 5 hours in the ER is that I finished the book I was reading, Everything Happens for a Reason by Kate Bowler.  I can't recall where I first heard about it, but Kate is in her 30s, a professor at the Duke Divinity School, a mother and wife, and battling Stage IV colon cancer.  The book interweaves her experience with cancer and motherhood with her religious background and I really enjoyed it (in the way one "enjoys" sad books).  There were a few passages that resonated with me that I wanted to share:

• The book is dedicated to her son, Zach: "Zach, my darling.  I can see now how my beautiful life was always for you."  I sometimes feel so completely overwhelmed by how much I love B (and Q of course) and that love has just shifted my perspective about so many aspects of my life.  I thought she expressed that sentiment so succinctly and perfectly.
• Kate describes the moment she learned she had cancer: "There was a before, and now there was an after.  Time slowed to a pulse.  Am I breathing? I wondered.  Do I want to?"  This reminded me of how I felt when I found out Q's heart was no longer beating.  My world stopped.  And for a long time, I wasn't sure I cared.
• Finally, these words: "I have had two perfect moments in my life.  The first was running down the aisle with Toban [her husband] on our wedding day, and we burst through the church doors and stood, breathless, alone as husband and wife, gazing at each other like complete idiots.  And the other was when they put Zach in my arms for the first time and we looked at each other like it was a conspiracy of mutual adoration.  These are my Impossible Thoughts.  These are my Can't-Live-Withouts.  I cannot picture a world where I am not theirs.  Where I am simply gone."  These words prompted me to think of the "perfect moments" in my life.

I highly recommend Everything Happens for a Reason and if you'd like to read something similar that may be the best book I've read in the past two years, I recommend The Bright Hour, another memoir written by a mother dying of cancer.  Both books really shook me to my core.

The Final Countdown

I'm 36 weeks pregnant today and have 2 weeks until my scheduled c-section.  After much deliberation, we pushed the date back to exactly 38 weeks so this baby will have a bit more time to grow.  There is the added benefit that, if all goes as planned, I will have all of next week off of work to relax, set up the room, and prepare for baby's arrival, plus spend some quality time with B.  This past weekend we picked up a crib from a friend who kindly offered hers to us (I sold B's crib and dresser last summer), borrowed a Halo bassinet and Dock-a-Tot friend a different friend, and moved everything out of the office so that it could officially become baby's room.  I have yet to go through any of B's clothes, but I have ordered diapers and wipes and will take the time next week to sort through B's newborn gear for gender-neutral clothes.

All things considered, I feel relatively calm about delivery and the next two weeks. I had a non-stress test last week and have another tomorrow morning.  As always, they begin with more stress since inevitably it takes a while to find the baby's heartbeat (every single time).  Even when I felt a kick moments prior, panic begins to set in.  

I can't tell if I have completely forgotten how I felt with B, but I FEEL very pregnant these days. I'm having shortness of breath, lightheadedness, and generally am completely exhausted.  I'm still getting to pilates a few times each week, but my energy levels are really low and I feel like I am letting B down in my lack of enthusiasm for running playing, climbing, etc. I truly don't recall feeling this way with B, but then I wasn't chasing a toddler, making meals, doing bedtime, etc.  I suspect I just came home from work and laid down? 

My OB again raised the possibility of tying my tubes and while R seemed ready to sign on the dotted line, I am not.  Do I think we will have a fourth child?  No.  Do I like even considering this before giving birth to a third baby? Absolutely not.  But do I like the finality of making this decision now?  No, thank you.  

B has suggested some classic names for this baby: Hot Sauce, Latte Shop, Stop Sign, Coffee, and Blythe.  We joked that if we had the baby on April Fool's Day, we'd send out an announcement saying we named it Latte Shop Levy because it has a nice ring. 

I am having trouble wrapping my head around the fact that it is April and that on the morning of 4/16, I will have a c-section and hopefully deliver a healthy baby into this world.  My due date with Q was 4/9 and it is ironic to me that this baby will be due so close to that date and that B was born 2 days shy of the anniversary of Q's death.  It is wonderful to have important dates to celebrate during times that would otherwise be marked solely by sadness.

So, that's the report from here.  T-minus 2 weeks. Two doctor's appointments remaining (and two more NSTs).  No more ultrasounds unless something unexpected happens.   We are crossing fingers and toes around here that nothing happens in the interim and that this baby arrives safe and sound.

I have been trying to take time to do little random acts of kindness for R and B and to pamper myself a bit.  Last week a friend and I went to see Hamilton, which was fantastic, and exceeded my expectations in so many ways.  I've been getting regular massages and have 2 more scheduled before baby arrives.  I'm letting myself enjoy my pilates class or a night out with friends rather than feeling guilty about it as I often do (this was a resolution for 2018).   I'm both so very excited to meet this baby and aware that our world is going to change and want to be sure B (and R) know how much I love them.  I hear over and over that loves multiples rather than divides, but I am nervous about making sure everyone knows and feels loved, especially B.

Oh, one final observation from this pregnancy.  Two things have happened that didn't happen with B that have totally weirded me out:

• I have been leaking milk for the last few weeks.  Not much at all, but it is there.  I hope this bodes well for breastfeeding again.
• My belly button has been "out" for weeks (months, really).  This didn't happen with B and I find it so creepy.  

I'll leave you on that happy note... 

32 Weeks

I'm typing this as I feel kicks in my stomach and occasionally can see my protruding belly rise and fall at random.  Is there a better feeling when pregnant?  Btw, this is me right now (please ignore the goofy expression) - hello, belly!

Time seems to be flying these days. Somehow the second trimester came and went and now I'm 5 weeks and a few days from delivery (c-section will be the week of April 9th).  My glucose test went fine and at the last ultrasound baby was growing well and looked perfect.  I see my OB again on Tuesday and from here on out I'll see her every week.

My urge to nest and prepare for this baby and generally to prep in every way possible for life to be turned upside down is strong.  I'm stocking the freezer with meals, slowly organizing areas of the house that need to be purged and straightened (I've tackled the pantry and the garage and the basement an B's playroom are next).  I haven't started to go through any baby stuff, but I feel like that is premature since I don't know whether we are having a girl or boy.  In any event, I'm finally thinking about a crib, asking friends to return items we lent, etc.  I have moments of doubt when I haven't felt the baby kick in awhile, but on the whole my anxiety has been kept in check and I'm allowing myself to enjoy being pregnant here and there.

I have noticed that I am definitely slowing down and I feel sad every time I have to say to B, "Sorry, but mama can't do X."  I'm trying to limit lifting/carrying her (she weighs 35 pounds), and sometimes I just do not have the energy to race around the park as much as I'd like to.  I want to savor these last few weeks of being able to give her my undivided attention, but my ever-expanding midsection is making that tricky.

R and I haven't spoken at all about names. Anyone have any great names or seen any good lists lately?  I'm feeling uninspired and don't love half the names that were on our list for B should this baby be a girl, so even with a girl I think we are back to square one.   During the second trimester, I felt strongly this baby is a girl, but I'm feeling now like it is a boy.  I'm excited for the surprise.

Truthfully, there isn't much to report here.  We went through a rough patch with B of not wanting to go to bed, waking multiple times, not listening, etc. (standard three-year-old behavior, I think), but I'm thrilled to say we have turned a corner and the last few weeks have been really good.  She asks me periodically about the baby and talks about things they will do together (bathe, run - apparently this baby will be walking immediately, craft) and I feel overwhelmed with emotion thinking about B having a living sibling.  I've found a few fun books about siblings - do any of you have any that you recommend (we are loving Maple and the others in this series, A Baby Sister for Frances, Sprout Helps Out, Hello In There, and I ordered Angelina's Baby Sister this weekend)?

So, that's all from here.  I'm focusing on positivity and optimism and enjoying these last 5 weeks and am trying to not think about all of the things that could go wrong in between now and when I hold this baby in my arms.  If you want a good chuckle, check out these Realistic Birth Announcements from The New Yorker.