Déjà vu

I had my NST this morning and the baby looked great - movements were as expected and no signs of contractions.  When I met with my OB following the NST, I mentioned that I have been having a lot of shortness of breath in the last week (more than previously), and not when I was doing anything.  At night when I try to read in bed, I cannot find a position (other than sitting up, criss-cross-applesauce) where I can get a "full" breath.

(I won't bury the lead - everything is fine)

Because of my history of blood clots in pregnancy, her concern was that, despite being on therapeutic anticoagulation (blood thinners - Lovenoax), I might have a pulmonary embolism (PE - a blood clot in my lungs).  Shortness of breath is completely normal in pregnancy, but you can't really be sure without getting a more thorough evaluation.  So, off to the ER I went.

I was initially pretty calm and felt certain that I didn't have a PE, but my EKG came back abnormal (which may be my normal, apparently EKGs are somewhat like fingerprints and each are different) and so the ER doctor felt that the abnormal EKG coupled with the shortness of breath meant I ought to have a CT scan.  I haven't had one before and when they ran through the litany of risks, I started to panic a bit (radiation exposure being the key risk for both Mom and baby).  

Mostly, the entire situation felt so similar to when I went to the ER with Q when I did have a clot and it went from being a normal day when I was pregnant to everything crashing down in a matter of moments.  I tried to stay calm, but I was alone and everything started to feel totally overwhelming.

In any event, my CT scan came back normal (no clots), the doctor recommended I have a follow-up EKG 2 months post-pregnancy to see if my EKG is still abnormal, and I went about my day, but the whole thing really shook me.  I am 12 days from meeting this baby and even being so very close, I know how many things can go wrong and yesterday just reminded me of that.

Needless to say, I'm looking forward to wrapping up work this week (Friday is my last day), and spending a week getting some rest -- and hopefully the week will be uneventful.

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One upside to spending 5 hours in the ER is that I finished the book I was reading, Everything Happens for a Reason by Kate Bowler.  I can't recall where I first heard about it, but Kate is in her 30s, a professor at the Duke Divinity School, a mother and wife, and battling Stage IV colon cancer.  The book interweaves her experience with cancer and motherhood with her religious background and I really enjoyed it (in the way one "enjoys" sad books).  There were a few passages that resonated with me that I wanted to share:

• The book is dedicated to her son, Zach: "Zach, my darling.  I can see now how my beautiful life was always for you."  I sometimes feel so completely overwhelmed by how much I love B (and Q of course) and that love has just shifted my perspective about so many aspects of my life.  I thought she expressed that sentiment so succinctly and perfectly.
• Kate describes the moment she learned she had cancer: "There was a before, and now there was an after.  Time slowed to a pulse.  Am I breathing? I wondered.  Do I want to?"  This reminded me of how I felt when I found out Q's heart was no longer beating.  My world stopped.  And for a long time, I wasn't sure I cared.
• Finally, these words: "I have had two perfect moments in my life.  The first was running down the aisle with Toban [her husband] on our wedding day, and we burst through the church doors and stood, breathless, alone as husband and wife, gazing at each other like complete idiots.  And the other was when they put Zach in my arms for the first time and we looked at each other like it was a conspiracy of mutual adoration.  These are my Impossible Thoughts.  These are my Can't-Live-Withouts.  I cannot picture a world where I am not theirs.  Where I am simply gone."  These words prompted me to think of the "perfect moments" in my life.

I highly recommend Everything Happens for a Reason and if you'd like to read something similar that may be the best book I've read in the past two years, I recommend The Bright Hour, another memoir written by a mother dying of cancer.  Both books really shook me to my core.

8 Months

My little B has now been on the outside almost as long as she was on the inside.  I can hardly believe it.  Since my last post, it feels like so many things have changed.  She now eats solid food regularly (and some of it actually gets swallowed).  She sits up.  She crawls.  She pulls herself up to standing and does a little Elvis-esque hip movement since she's quite wobbly up on those chubby feet.  She makes fun noises and I have no idea where she hears them.  She adores story time and music class.  She gives "kisses," which are more like open-mouthed slobbers on whatever part of your face she reaches.  She is the best!

We've found an equilibrium at home for the time being (I have accepted that things change from day to day, week to week), and I feel like I have a better grip on home life, work, family, etc.  For me, this means I am finally running regularly (which makes me feel so much more like myself), packing my lunch to take to work and making meals for the family for dinner, reading at night and while I pump at work (just finished this book and loved it and this is me on Goodreads - I'd love to know what you all are reading), and not totally behind at work.  It feels good.  I know the next challenge is just around the bend, but I'm embracing the feeling I have today of just loving life.

Oh, hi! I'm not napping! 

I refuse to accept the idea that summer is ending.  Instead, I'm embracing the fact that September and October are two of the nicest months in Colorado and that we are getting better at weekend trips with B.  This pack has been amazing for taking B hiking and I love that she can join on our adventures (one of which is pictured above).

In a few weeks, our family is joining in the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep Remembrance Walk in Littleton, Colorado.  It will be a somber day for sure, but I look forward to celebrating Quinn.  Two of the women from my support group are joining. Is anyone else in Denver and planning to attend?

One hazard of being on top of things at work is that I spend more time reading blogs.  Today I stumbled upon Harry's Joy and Life, Loss and Little Things.  It never ceases to amaze me how my sadness at losing Quinn can be tucked away for a few hours or a day and then - boom - it catches me off-guard and takes my breath away all over again.  Reading both of these blogs did that for me again, as did a call from my vascular surgeon to have a follow-up appointment to check on my blood clot.

I'm just rambling, but there it is.

8 months! Not lacking in thighs :)

Non-Stress Tests

Hello out there!  I'm looking for a little bit of advice today and hoping that some of you have thoughts on Non-Stress Tests or NSTs.  Both my high-risk OB and regular OB have offered me NSTs starting at 32 weeks.  Apparently they are pretty standard after one has a stillbirth, but given that we generally know what caused L's death (clotting in the placenta), both doctors think they won't actually be very helpful for me   Both of them think that if I started to have clotting in the placenta, we would see growth restriction (which we haven't).  And if I have an "acute event" like I did last time, the chance of us catching it while it happens is almost zero (so comforting).

That said, they have both brought it up and left it up to me as to whether we do them.

And I don't know what to do.

I've definitely been all for monitoring of any kind during this pregnancy.  I have probably had 20 ultrasounds and I've been seen every other week since 20 weeks.  But those visits were recommended and it seems like the doctors are not really recommending NSTs but instead just giving me the option.

I live in fear of making the wrong decision, but I don't want to do something just to do it (not to mention that NSTs would be twice a week for an hour each visit).

Any thoughts?  Has anyone done NSTs?  Were they comforting and/or helpful?

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In other news, the high-risk OB confirmed today that we'll induce at 37 weeks, which is the day after Christmas!  So, I'll work until Christmas Eve and that will be it for me (provided all goes well until then, of course).  So, this little nugget should arrive before the New Year. Crazy.  

27 Weeks, 4 Days

It's all uncharted territory at this point.  I delivered L at 26 weeks and a 3 days, although we already knew that we had lost her.  You all know I've been a bit stressed out the last few weeks as we got through the time period when everything fell apart with L... not that there is any correlation between that time period specifically and the likelihood of me clotting again, but it certainly existed in my head.

Writing or speaking about positive aspects of this pregnancy worries me because I fear jinxing everything, but I'm going to do it today in an effort to be optimistic and rational.  

• I saw my vascular surgeon last week and had full ultrasounds on both legs and my stent (located in my IVC). My veins and blood flow look great and my stent is open and in place.   Phew.
• I passed my glucose test last week with flying colors.  Woo!  I didn't really think it was that bad?!  The drink didn't taste good, but I just drank it as quickly as possible and then went in for an ultrasound. 
• My Anti XA level dropped to the border between therapeutic and prophylactic.  I have to stay comfortably in a therapeutic range, so I am bumping up dosages again.  My high-risk OB manages this and reminds me that this is normal as blood flow increases from pregnancy and I gain weight, but my regular OB also told me she has never had a patient on as much Lovenox as I am on (100 mg, 2x day).  It worries me a little bit, but I try not to think about it (and I do look forward to the day when I no longer have to take blood thinners).
• Babies measurements are all back on track and comfortably around the 50th percentile.

In non-medical good news, my in-laws visited last week and are now gone (their visits stress me out quite a bit), and I spent last weekend with my college roommates, which was just wonderful.  We see each other once a year and getting to catch up and talk about life and just have fun together is a highlight of every year.  I also have one last work trip this week and then will officially be done traveling.

So... the third trimester is just a few days away, which I can hardly believe, and I have allowed myself several moments of thinking that things might just be different this time.  It terrifies me to have these thoughts, but every night when this baby kicks away and each week that I creep closer to being full-term, I hope and pray and sometimes allow myself to believe that things will be different.  We'll see.

I had an ultrasound yesterday and have to share this 3D face image that I just love.  Holy baby!  My husband says she has my nose!  

Oh, and one funny thing that happened last week.  I traveled to San Diego for work and when I was waiting in the security line in San Diego, a TSA agent offered me a WHEELCHAIR.  He was very sweet and wanted to be sure I was okay, but I got all flustered - How bad do I look if apparently I appear to need a wheelchair?  Do I look like I need a wheelchair?  I'm still running - I hope I look like I can survive a security line.  Anyway, it cracked me up and I kindly declined his offer.  

22 Weeks

Tomorrow marks week 22 of pregnancy.  Miraculously, my anxiety is in check and under control and I'm feeling really good, keeping up with exercise, etc.  I had my Anti XA (clotting) levels tested today and they are comfortably in the range where they should be and my TSH is still within normal limits.  Phew.  For today, great news.... that along with hearing a strong heartbeat and feeling some powerful kicks after I ate lunch.  Those kicks will never get old.

I am so grateful for these good days.

It's especially important to feel thankful today, on the 13th anniversary of September 11th.  I was reminded by the flags at half staff that I saw on my way to work today.  Sometimes it helps to have a little perspective on everything else going on when I find myself so easily consumed by what is happening in my life.

Anyway... just a note of thanks, especially when I know others are going through very hard times.

Here's to another uneventful 15 weeks...

Halfway

Sort of giving us a thumbs up?

We are back from an incredibly relaxing and adventurous vacation in the mountains, followed by a productive Labor Day weekend at home where I got so many organizing projects done.  Perhaps I am starting to nest?  I felt this overwhelming urge to sort through all of our closets, get organized, get rid of stuff, etc.

I'm 20 weeks and 5 days along today and we've officially passed the halfway point.  My ultrasound today looked good and baby is measuring 1 day shy of today's date, which I was reassured is just fine and totally normal.

I'd been feeling really great until I weighed myself at the doctor's office today.  One month ago, I weighed NINE pounds less than I do today.  NINE.  I have been eating healthy and exercising a lot (sticking to my 10,000 steps each day or more, still running, etc.) so I am totally befuddled and as much as I know I shouldn't let it bother me (and the doctor said the same thing - she said I looked healthy and that was good enough for her), I am sort of beside myself about it.  I know that excessive weight gain puts you at greater risk for clotting, which is part of why I am worked up about it.... and I just generally like to be healthy and this seems quite unhealthy to me.

To focus on the positive, baby is looking good, and I can feel her kick ALL the time. I love it.  I could sit and stare at my moving stomach all day long... but alas, that is frowned upon in the office.  So, overall a great visit and week.  Below is the first bump shot I've shared.  I think it is finally obvious to everyone that I am pregnant, not just packing on the pounds.  Or maybe I am doing both?

18 Weeks & Anatomy Scan

We had our official anatomy scan this morning and I am thrilled to report that everything is looking good and we have confirmation that we are having a girl!  All of the vital organs are growing and the baby is measuring right on track and blood flow to the placenta and through the umbilical cord looks good.  Phew!

I've realized that I really need to come up with a nickname for this little one so I can stop referring to her as "she" or "her."  We called L "Lemon" the whole time she was in the womb and I loved having a nickname for her (we were very superstitious and didn't give her a real name until she was born... not that it helped).

Today's ultrasound was with the high-risk OB who finally clarified something for me that I have been quite confused about.  We lost L due to extensive clotting in the placenta, which essentially cut off her blood supply.  My understanding has been that the only way you can see potential issues with blood flow before birth is through the use of doppler ultrasound showing blood flow.  Typically this isn't done unless and until the baby starts measuring small, but L was born at a normal size, so she didn't have growth restriction.  My fear is that if we wait until we see growth restriction, it would be too late to help this baby if something is wrong.  All of my doctors thus far have said that since doppler ultrasound hasn't been studied to show effectiveness to detect clotting, they don't suggest it.  But since I had clotting in such an unusual way, of course it hasn't been studied!  Does that mean we shouldn't be as proactive as possible in preventing it from happening again?  I certainly don't think so.  Does anyone have experience with doppler monitoring for blood flow? I'd love to know.

The OB today finally agreed that we would use doppler ultrasound to look at blood flow starting at 24 weeks as a precautionary measure.  It certainly isn't a guaranteed way to detect clotting, but since there is no harm, I'm relieved that we'll add it to our normal monitoring.  If nothing else, it will give me some peace of mind.

It will be a few weeks before we have another appointment and in that time we have our first vacation in over a year.  I cannot wait for a week off!  The last two weeks I have felt like I did at 10 weeks with L - so, SO exhausted every day.  At 9 PM, my eyelids are shutting and I cannot force myself to stay awake any longer.  I think a week off will be just the break I need.

Wishing everyone a wonderful weekend!

12 Weeks

We snuck in our 12-week ultrasound last Thursday before dashing to the airport for a trip east to see family and sneak in beach time over the 4th of July weekend.  My husband hadn't been to an ultrasound since 6 weeks, so it was awesome for him to be there and to see the baby's growth.   Everything looked good at the ultrasound and we are just awaiting the results of our MaterniT21 test (which we likely won't have until next week).  

This was our first pregnant visit to the high-risk OB.  We saw a different one than we saw in the hospital when I lost L and when we had our non-pregnant consult.  I don't love her bedside manner as she was a bit brusque, but the visit was fine and she seems to know her stuff, including enough about clotting and our situation to make me feel comfortable.  I've mentioned this before, but I feel as though I spend a lot of time wrangling doctors and making sure they all know what the other has told me... it is exhausting keeping all of their opinions straight and trying not to trample on their sometimes very fragile egos!

Our little baby was moving all around.... not as much as L did at her 12-week ultrasound, but still bouncing around in my uterus.  I hate that I compare the two ultrasounds (and the two pregnancies in general), but I just can't help but go there.  It is the same way that I compare my cravings (currently mashed potatoes, salt and vinegar potato chips, and any salad with mayo, which I usually never eat (e.g., egg salad, chicken salad, potato salad)), which are different in this pregnancy.  I have this bizarre feeling I've shared before about this false sense of control if I do things a certain way.... if I don't crave the same things, this baby will live.... if this baby moves differently, he or she will definitely make it.  Totally ridiculous, I know.

For now, we've made it to 12 weeks.  My next ultrasound will be at 13 weeks, 4 days, which according to some sources means I will have made it to the second trimester.  We shall see.  One day at a time.

9 Weeks

Oh, phew.  The little peanut (who looked more like a T-Rex today with tiny arms and legs) looked great today and was measuring on track at 9 weeks and 4 days with a heart rate of 176 bpm.  It was moving all around, which was just incredible to watch.  I will never stop being in awe of something so miraculous happening inside my body.  I was particularly nervous about this week's ultrasound... I'm not sure why, but I slept terribly last night and the appointment couldn't have come quickly enough.  My husband hasn't been coming to each of my weekly ultrasounds (which is totally fine), but this morning my dear friend was in the office for her 34 week visit so she came to the ultrasound and held my hand, which was so comforting.

So, one more week down  in the first trimester as we inch closer to the big 12-week scan and the MaterniT21 test, both of which will happen on July 3rd.

I'm separately having some trouble wrangling doctors and trying to decide who will monitor me throughout pregnancy when it comes to my clotting.  I saw a MFM who I love, but she is in an entirely different hospital system than my OB and the high-risk OB we will see.  It is fine to have the MFM outside of my hospital system for now, but if we make it further along in the pregnancy, it will complicate things and I think there is a risk in having so many doctors involved leaving no one ultimately "accountable" for making decisions.  That said, the high-risk OB wants to be less aggressive with my Lovenox dosing (for clotting), which I don't like.  We'll obviously just figure this out, but I'm feeling a bit stressed about it right now with so many moving parts, coordinating test results and getting them sent to the right place, etc.  My past medical experiences have taught me that I have to advocate for myself so I'm just trying to do that as much as possible.

L's Story

If there's a day to write the story of the child you lost, it must be Mother's Day.  L was loved from the moment we learned she existed.  This happened on Friday, August 2nd.  We were in a 2-cycle wait to start IVF during which I was taking CoQ10 and DHEA and begin super healthy in the hopes that I could improve my egg quality.  I was on a business trip to San Francisco and my period was 3 days late.  I didn't think much of it until I realized that I also wasn't having any of the normal symptoms I have before my cycle starts...

I landed at the airport at home and went to Walgreens for a pregnancy test.  I felt like this was a crazy thing to do given my AMH levels, resting follicle count, etc.  We'd heard the phrase "donor eggs" so many times that I just didn't think it was possible for us to conceive naturally.  I'll never forget the moment the test showed 2 dark pink lines.  I called my RE's office first and couldn't do anything but whisper to my IVF nurse that I was pregnant... I couldn't believe it.  She scheduled me for a blood test the following Monday morning and I went to meet my husband for a mountain bike ride so I could share the news in person.

Whenever I read stories about people sharing their pregnancy in fun, elaborate ways, I am so jealous (the same way I feel about people who have baby shower, decorate nurseries before their babies arrive, etc.).  We had been told so many times that my eggs were bad, that we were at high risk for genetic abnormalities, etc. that while we were over-the-moon ecstatic about the potential of L, we couldn't let ourselves get too excited because surely something wasn't right...

I'll never forget the moment we first heard her heartbeat.  It seemed impossible for so many reasons that this tiny person was growing inside of me and she had a heartbeat.  How could that be?  I'd never felt joy like I felt in that moment.

It was really only after our 12-week ultrasound and MaterniT21 test results can back clear that we let ourselves get excited.  A little girl!  Our little girl!  And it really wasn't until the 20-week ultrasound that we started to widely share the news with friends and family.  I felt great and loved being pregnant and just couldn't believe our luck.  We didn't buy anything for L because it felt like we might jinx ourselves, we didn't prepare a nursery, etc., but we did occasionally talk about how excited we were and we certainly talked to her, felt her kicks together, and shared in the joy that is expecting a child.

Just before Christmas, I started to get really intense lower back pain.  I read online that this is normal (sciatica) and brushed it off until Christmas Eve when I hadn't slept in 3 days and was in excruciating pain.  I once broke my arm in half (literally - all the way) on a vacation and continued to travel with it broken for 2 weeks (we were in rural South America and I certainly wasn't getting it fixed there) so I know pain and I know what I can tolerate.  This was worse.  I made an emergency visit to my OB who listened for L's heartbeat and felt her movements (both of which were normal) and told me it was sciatica and suggested physical therapy and massage.  On Christmas night, I made a call to our doctor's emergency hotline because I was in so much pain, but again they told me it was normal.

On Sunday, December 29th, in addition to the pain (which was now shooting down my leg) and not really being able to walk, we noticed that my left leg was hugely swollen.  We headed immediately to the ER after some Googling that led us to believe I had a blood clot.  I was admitted to the maternity ward and immediately we checked on L, whose little heart was still beating away, and then I had an ultrasound on my leg, which revealed a blood clot in my vein from my toes to my inferior vena cava (near my belly button).  I could tell when the u/s tech was doing the u/s that something was very wrong - she got really quiet at some point and just took so many images of what she was seeing.  She, of course, couldn't tell us anything, but we both just knew.

About 15 minutes later, the nurse came back in and confirmed that I had an "extensive" DVT from my toes to my abdomen and the vascular surgeon and Maternal Fetal Specialist were on their way and that I was to limit movement with hope that we could avoid an embolism of any kind.

It was absolutely terrifying.  The entire time we were so worried about L, but the doctors kept reassuring us that she was fine and I wasn't considered a high-risk pregnancy because the clot was just in my leg and abdomen.  We made a plan to aggressively treat the clot the next morning and I tried to get some rest.

The next morning, the nurse came in to look for L's heartbeat at 7 AM.  She moved the monitor all around and couldn't find anything.  At the same time, my OB walked in and took over... she, too, couldn't find the heartbeat and requested a u/s machine.  Thankfully, my husband appeared at the same time.  Again, we could both tell that something was wrong by the look on my OB's face... she looked at us and said, "L's heartbeat is very faint.  We need to do an emergency c-section right now if we are going to save her.  You have to understand that at 26 weeks she may live, but she may not and there are many risks.  And you are on a very high dose of blood thinners and doing a surgery like this is a not a good idea.  You may not survive."

How are people supposed to make decisions under these circumstances?  We looked at each other in disbelief.  What were we to do?

They sent my husband to change into scrubs and we were off to the OR.

I'll never forget the OR.  Ever.  The images are burned into my mind.

There were about 20 people in the room and machinery everywhere.  I could see the incubator warming for L and I was transferred to the operating table.  My OB did another u/s to confirm L's heartbeat.... and it was gone.  She was gone.

No one should ever have to experience a moment like that, but it also should not have to be so public.  All those people were there to watch me crumble, and crumble I did.  I don't remember getting back to the hospital room or getting back into bed.  The first thing I remember is everyone leaving us alone and R and I curling up in the bed together and sobbing.  We didn't have much time to be together and grieve because I was whisked off for emergency surgery on my leg.  I had 2 surgeries in two days, delivered naturally (no epidural because of the blood thinners), which took 2 days of laboring, and then had 2 additional surgeries on my leg to clear the clot.  10 days after we arrived, I'd had 4 surgeries, 1 natural delivery, and 1 stillborn, beautiful, perfect daughter, L.

Stillbirth is not something you plan for.  We had no idea what to say when the nurses asked if we wanted to hold her, what we wanted to do with her body, if we were going to name her, if we were going to have a service, etc.  We aren't religious, so there wasn't any clear path forward.  We initially thought we wouldn't hold L -- now even the idea of that makes me feel ashamed of myself.  It is absolutely a personal decision for everyone, but I am so, so glad we held her and touched her fingers and toes and marveled at how tall she was and how tiny and how big her hands were and just all the little details.  I am so glad we named her, so glad we have photos of her, and so glad we have her ashes and will honor her with an appropriate ceremony when we figure out what that looks like.

There isn't a day (an hour? a minute?) that goes by where I don't think of L.  I think about how she would be around a month old.  About how today I was supposed to celebrate with her and my Mom.  About how we should be sleep deprived and navigating life as new parents and trying to figure out why she is crying or fussing or smiling.  And at the same time, life moves forward.  Somehow, four months have passed since I left the hospital.  A third of a year has gone by.   I went back to work.  I see friends.  I read and pay bills and do normal things like go to the grocery store and exercise.  But life is different.  So very different.  It will never be the same.

IVF #1 Protocol

I'm waiting (endlessly waiting...) for my cycle to end so I can start the BCP and get ready for our first round of IVF.  We met with the RE last week to discuss my protocol and I am doing the Antagonist / Saizen Protocol with Menopur, Saizen and Follistim.  We'll lead into the cycle with down regulation on the BCP for approximately 2 weeks. Does anyone have experience with this protocol?  Particularly anyone with DOR?

Given my history of clotting, I'll also have my Lovenox dosing closely monitored.  My last two cycles since we lost L have been totally out of whack (really long - 43 days).  I'm thinking that in addition to stress, the Lovenox might be messing with my cycles?  Has anyone had trouble with longer cycles while on Lovenox?  Prior to L, I had regular 28-29 day cycles naturally.

Also, can I again just express my frustration at how long this process takes.  When my cycle finally comes, I then have my period for 3 days and then start the BCP for at least another two weeks and THEN we can start the stimulation meds.  I need to find a few new hobbies to really tackle in the next 6 weeks or I might lose my mind.  Or maybe just another new show (I'm currently speeding my way through Scandal).

Hello, I'm _____ and I'm Infertile

Is there a word worse than infertile?  Wait, don't answer that - I know there are worse diagnoses, but in the midst of TTC, "infertile" might be the worst thing you can hear.  My husband and I started our infertility journey unexpectedly just over a year ago when I was diagnosed with premature ovarian failure (again with the terminology - failure? Couldn't they have at least come up with a kinder term?).

I thought the diagnosis was the worst thing that could happen to us, but I had no idea.  But I'll get to that.

I know from trolling fertility blogs that sharing stats can be helpful for offering context to others, my AMH level was (is) so low that it is undetectable (<0.15) at age 32.  My initial day 3 FSH in April 2013 came back at 17.3.  I saw 3 REs (including a doctor at CCRM) before settling at a different clinic.  After a failed IUI round in June 2013, I received the best news of my entire life on Friday, August 2nd when I had a positive pregnancy test.  We had spontaneously conceived!

The first 20 weeks of the pregnancy we were worried that something would be wrong given my poor egg quality from the DOR.  Everything was going swimmingly until 25 weeks when I developed what I thought was horrible sciatica.  After an emergency visit to my doctor and several after hours calls because my back and leg pain was so bad, I finally went to the ER on 12/28/13 only to discover that I had an extensive blood clot (from my toe to my inferior vena cava) in the form of a DVT.  At first our baby, L, was just fine... but the next morning after a harrowing fifteen minutes of rushing to the OR for an emergency c-section (while on heavy doses of blood thinners making the procedure very dangerous), we lost our little girl.  I'll spare you the details about the next ten days in the hospital other than to say that I lived (obviously) and that now a future pregnancy is much riskier giving my history of clotting.

The last four months have been a total blur.  I couldn't really tell you what we've been up to.  I get up and get dressed and go to work and try to act like a normal human being but I couldn't feel less like myself or be more sad.  Not only did we lose our daughter, but I fear that we have lost our dream of having a biological child.  But mostly I just think (constantly) about my little girl, L.

That said, we are moving forward.  We are back to RE visits and are prepping for IVF in late May.  I feel like I've exhausted my family and friends in their ability to hear about doctor's visits, hormone injections, etc. and so I need another outlet for my feelings, ramblings, and research.

So here I am.