Saturday, January 28, 2017

Another Day, Another Miscarriage

I'm right back where I was last spring, just four weeks farther along than last time.  Yesterday we saw an OB in Kauai and the baby hadn't grown since six weeks and three days and there was no longer a heartbeat.  R & B were there with and just looking over at them and seeing B smile at me and give me a big hug made the whole situation survivable, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't devastated, disappointed, sad, and, frankly, really f-ing angry.  I would just rather not repeatedly get pregnant only to find out the pregnancy isn't viable, and this one feels worse because we saw a heartbeat and I'm now 10+ weeks with *no* signs of miscarriage.  In fact, my HCG yesterday was 25,000 so clearly my body has not yet caught on.

Given how high my HCG is, the OB here wants me to come back in for a scan with their radiology department (better equipment) to confirm it isn't a molar pregnancy.  My Colorado OB (with whom I've spoken several times) thinks this is highly unlikely, but of course I'm going to go in to confirm.

Most of all, I feel foolish.  Foolish for getting my hopes up, foolish for thinking this was our second rainbow baby, imagining flying home mid-summer instead of next winter so that I could have this baby at home, worrying about the logistics of getting meds, etc.  None of it matters and why haven't I learned my lesson about thinking things will work out?

I am, of course, already thinking about what is next.  I'll take misoprostol again to induce bleeding so that everything can be "take care of" before we leave the U.S. (on February 12th).  And then what?  I know in my heart I'm not done - I want to have another baby.  But I am beginning to wonder if that is wise.  I'm 36 years old.  I have POF.  I now have a history of recurrent miscarriages, presumably due to chromosomal abnormalities.  I have complicated pregnancies.  I keep thinking: "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me."

One silver lining to all of this is that, so far, I feel much better emotionally than I did last spring.  Even with getting my hopes up, I knew better than to tell many people, make plans, or really give this pregnancy much credence.  I don't know if that is helping or the fact that I'm with my family in Hawaii but I don't feel the darkness overwhelming me like I did last spring.  Who knows?  It's too soon to tell how I'll feel in a few days, but I'm trying to keep perspective and stay as positive as possible.

So that's the (depressing, frustrating, infuriating, disappointing) update from here.

12 comments:

  1. Oh noooooo!! I'm devastated for you. So many hugs. It's not fair.

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    1. Unfair indeed. But as you and I both know, nothing about this is fair.

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  2. When I miscarried between F and M a friend told me it made her "ragey angry" for me. And that, is exactly how I feel now. I'm so mad at the cruelty from the universe. But mostly, I'm so so, sorry.

    For the record, I don't think you were foolish one bit. You were pregnant and got excited and hopeful for the potential of what that all meant and that is beautiful and special.

    Sending you love.

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    1. Caroline, that is a fantastic description. Ragey angry. That is how I feel right now. I *know* it could be worse, but I also think enough is enough! We have been through enough! We've been tested! Cut me a break.

      Thanks for not thinking I'm foolish. I feel that way, but in my heart I know there is nothing to do about a positive pregnancy test but to be excited, right?

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  3. I have been wondering how you were doing and I'm so sorry to read this. The universe just sucks sometimes. You are not foolish at all. You were cautiously hopeful and excited and of course you would be as you've wanted this for so long. I am glad you are better emotionally than your previous loss but wish you didn't have to be. I am so sorry :(

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    1. Thanks for not thinking I'm foolish. It really does help because I'm feeling like such an idiot. Don't I know better yet? But then, where would we all be without hope?

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  4. I am so very sorry to read this. You are not foolish. Hope is all we have to get through this devastating journey. Even though having hope makes disappointment so much more terrible and crushing, it is what gets us through the days. Sending all the love to you and your little family during this devastating time. xoxo

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  5. Well this is shit. I'm so sorry. I understand your feelings of not being done and also echoing your frustration and sadness for losing this baby, too. It's so completely frustrating and devastating over and over again to endure this roller coaster, already getting the calendar set in your head of what things would/should be like in the next 30 weeks.

    I hate this for you. I'm sorry.

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  6. Oh no. I'm so very sorry. I had been reading along, and was so hopeful for you, and for this baby. It's unfair and so sad. Sending many hugs.

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  7. Oh no! I am so sorry. Ragey angry with you and Caroline. Sending love. Hope you can enjoy the views and some mai tais.

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    1. Thanks, Heather. As always, appreciate the support.

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  8. I've been MIA, but I too am so so so sorry. Words are not enough. I'm with you ❤

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