Meet Me Halfway

19 weeks!

Technically, I won't be 20 weeks until next Monday, but for me 19 weeks marks halfway through this pregnancy as my high-risk OB informed me at our mid-pregnancy anatomy scan that she wants to schedule a c-section for sometime between 37 and 38 weeks.  So there you have it, friends.  Fingers and legs (and toes and everything else) crossed, we'll meet this baby, boy or girl, in mid-April.

Suddenly, this pregnancy feels very real.  Somewhere around week 18 I popped and now it is quite tricky to hide the bump.  I finally told the head fo my new law firm and while I haven't told my other co-workers, I'm no longer avoiding maternity clothes and fitted tops at work.  The best thing is that I am feeling this baby move!  Despite having an anterior placenta, which makes it more difficult to detect movement, I'm definitely feeling it, especially when I lay down at night to read.  I'm excited for a few weeks from now when the movements are strong enough that R and B will be able to feel them as well.

Telling my boss was interesting and went about as well as I could expect.  Keep in mind that I have only been at this job for 6 weeks, so obviously I was pregnant when I accepted and started.  I decided to be direct: "I'm pregnant.  I wanted to tell you when I joined (which is true), but this is actually my fifth pregnancy and given the fact that pregnancy has often not ended well for us, I wasn't ready to tell you or anyone else when I accepted the job."  It went something like that.  He was wonderful about it -- he has five (!) daughters and was just so happy that we were having another kid and was just great about it.  The whole conversation was a huge relief and I felt so much better about everything at work afterward.

Oh, and our mid-pregnancy anatomy scan looked great.  Baby was moving around like crazy, everything was measuring on track, and he or she has all of the organs you'd expect to see.  We breathed a big sigh of relief.

This little girl's happiness related to all things Christmas is infectious

And here we are in December.  The tricky thing is that everything about this pregnancy reminds me of being pregnant with Q (Baby L - it's confusing, her name starts with Q, but L, which stands for Lemon, was her nickname throughout my pregnancy).  Q was due in early April.  She died on December 30th.  And going into the holidays, I felt great... until I didn't.  Christmas of that year was awful, including a Christmas Eve phone call to the emergency line at my doctor's office, no sleep, and being so uncomfortable I couldn't even walk a hundred yards.  Whenever I think about that Christmas, I get furious at myself for not trusting my instincts, knowing something was wrong, and driving myself to the ER.  So even though I am being closely monitored and I'm taking tons of Lovenox so getting a blood clot is virtually impossible, I'm just anxious about letting my guard down and letting myself get excited -- even know I rationally know this a different pregnancy.   Don't get me wrong - I am just thrilled about this baby and I have moments of being incredibly optimistic and imagining Rob putting this baby in my arms in April and telling me whether it is a boy or girl... but those moments are always tempered by thoughts of cord accidents and blood clots and unexplained late term losses.  Every time a pregnant woman tells me she feels great now that she is 26 weeks along and the baby will be fine no matter what, I have to bite my tongue not to tell them that isn't true.   I know these feelings are exacerbated because we are fast-approaching B's 3rd birthday, which is followed 2 days later by the anniversary of Q's death.  She would be 4.  FOUR.  How is that possible?  What would she be like?  I so desperately wish that I knew.

What is keeping me from a downward spiral of sadness and introspection on this topic is the fact that B is giddy about Christmas and her impending birthday.  Each morning we go downstairs and check the advent calendar for a little treat for her.  We've talked about the cupcakes she'll take to school for her birthday and I mailed invitations to her (very small) party yesterday.  Her joy for this season is contagious and I'm trying to stay present in that feeling instead of the others, although I will make space for the sadness this month, too. I always do.

I'm thinking of all of you who have lost babies this month and sending lots of love.  And I'm giving B extra snuggles and kisses and love because I am able to --- and how lucky am I for that?

16 Weeks

Earlier this week, I had a quick heartbeat check with my OB.  Baby's heartbeat was beating away at 143 bpm and today I'm 16 weeks and three days along.  Last week I went in for a blood draw and the sonographer, who is a friend and the sweetest lady, saw me in the hall and asked if I wanted to take a peek at baby.  Umm, yes please!  I never turn down an opportunity to see him or her wiggling around.

All looked good in the ultrasound and we checked out the brain and the spine, looked for fingers and toes, and just watched baby move around a bit. I'm anxious to feel those first movements.  Sometimes I think I've felt something, but it is just too early to be sure and I have an anterior placenta again, which makes movements even more subtle at this early stage.

I've been feeling quite calm thus far, but this week I've had thoughts creeping in about all of the issues that can arise in the remainder of this pregnancy. I know this isn't healthy and I try to push them out of my mind, but as I creep closer to the time when we lost Baby L, I am reminded of what can happen.  The urge to relax and enjoy the pregnancy is there, but so is the underlying knowledge of how quickly everything can go awry.

Otherwise, I'm feeling good, sleeping well, and really just still feeling utterly exhausted but otherwise fine.  I swam for the first time in months earlier this week and it felt incredible. I need to get back into a swimming routine, especially as I get bigger.  The Lovenox is going well.  We check my AntiXA level once each month and so far it has been right in range and I've avoided bumping up (at this point in my pregnancy with Baby B I had already bumped up a dose).  I'm so used to giving myself shots twice each day that I give it relatively little thought at this point.

I'm wrapping up my third week of work at my new job. So far, it is as promised and I've been working from home two days each week and arriving into the office at 9:30 AM and departing by 3:45 or 4 PM the other three days.  It's been manageable and, frankly, enjoyable and I feel like it strikes the right balance between engaging and still allowing me to have time at home, with B and R, etc.  I still haven't told them that I'm pregnant - I've been wearing regular clothes and if something is fitted at the waist, I just wear a vest over it (the office is cold anyway) and I don't think you can tell.  I have another appointment after Thanksgiving and plan to tell them if all goes well.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone.  This may be the most boring update I've ever written.  I'll close by noting that I have a lot to be thankful for this year.

The Second Trimester

I'm just days away... I'll be 14 weeks at the beginning of next week, which means the arrival of the second trimester.  If it means that I'll stop feeling so fatigued, I'll take it -- my new job starts on Monday and I could use some extra energy.

Our MaterniT21 test results came back this week and everything looks good.  This combined with our 12-week ultrasound makes me feel slightly reassured, although I am still weighing the pros and cons of an amnio in the back of my head (I have a few weeks to decide).  We agreed to be surprised about the gender and I'm feeling really excited about waiting.  It's fun to ponder whether B will have a sister or a brother.  Driving home from school the other day she was telling me about her classmates who have babies (younger siblings).  She mentioned a few and then said "We should get a baby at the story."  This was completely unprompted by me.  I asked whether she wanted a sister or a brother and she answered "a brother."  When I asked what his name should be, she suggested we ask Forest (our cat).  Obviously he has all of the answers.  B will have a baby brother named "Meow".

According to "The Bump", this baby is a lemon this week, which makes me nostalgic for my pregnancy with Baby L / Quinn.  We called her "Lemon" throughout my pregnancy (we called Baby B "meatball").  Somehow that fruit just stuck and since our last name begins with "L", it had nice alliteration.  I remember how joyful R and I were just to be pregnant and how much fun I had reading about the baby's development each week.  I wonder if we'll ever get to a place in this pregnancy where we feel that way -- I know I could get there, but I think I need R to lead the way and I just don't see that happening.

I was just thinking that, like Lemon and Meatball, this baby needs a nickname, but I realized B already took care of that - Meow!

**********

On a completely separate note, this article in the NY Times this week was fascinating.  For those of you with POF/POI and/or low AMH, I recommend reading it.  Essentially, the article concludes that "AMH doesn't dictate a woman's reproductive potential," although it is one marker used to assess overall fertility.  What this study concludes is that "Among women attempting to conceive naturally, diminished ovarian reserve was not associated with infertility; women should be cautioned against using AMH levels to assess their current fertility."  These findings are certainly in line with my experience, which is that while I've been pregnant five times, I do have an issue with egg quality (hence two miscarriages) and I don't always ovulate regularly.  Plus, a friend who endured numerous IVF cycles while living abroad in various places mentioned to me that doctors outside the United States place a much lower value on AMH as a predictor for getting pregnant than they do on follicle count and FSH.  

12 Weeks

Today was the 12-week ultrasound where nuchal translucency, etc. is checked and I had blood drawn for the MaterniT21 test.  The ultrasound looked great - baby was moving around, putting its hands/fingers in its mouth, etc.  R came with me and this was the first thorough u/s he has attended, which was fun.  My OB sends patients to the high-risk OB at 12 weeks and 20 weeks (and I go to have clotting monitored) so today we met with the high-risk OB who talked us through options for prenatal genetic testing.  We'll start with the MaterniT21 and go from there, but of course my history of POF, infertility, and miscarriage, I want to know everything that we can, but I do not want to take any unnecessary risks (e.g., amnio).  When they say that, statistically, it is very safe, I know that is true rationally.  But I've been at the wrong end of very good odds several times, so I no longer am comforted by slim chances.

Here's a little shot of our little one.  R and I are considering being surprised this time.  Thoughts? Have any of you waited?

Anyone up for a little bathroom talk?  B used the toilet (unprompted) numerous times over the weekend and woke up Monday morning and told me she wasn't wearing a pull up to school.  We went with it and she was accident free all day and pooped on the toilet three times (good lord).  I guess if you wait long enough, your child will potty train herself?  I know there will still be accidents, but she does seem to be doing really well, particularly at school.  I'm sure it helps that her classroom is children ages 2.5 through 3.5 so she is at the younger end and most are toilet trained and thus set a good example for her.

I'm still in a state of disbelief about things. I haven't told my parents and I've told only a few close friends.  My slightly protruding belly is going to start giving things away in a few weeks, though, and I have no idea how I will broach this topic at work.

First Snow

We had our first snowfall of the winter season earlier this week (it was gone the same evening) and it was magical to see Blythe really enjoy snow for the first time.  We missed winter last year and the year prior she was a little too young to really enjoy it although we certainly subjected her to sledding and playing around in it.  Seeing her so excited to play in the snow, to eat it, to scoop it up into bowls, etc. is making me look forward to winter this year.  Fingers crossed for some big snowfalls that allow us to do all the fun snow activities.

Cheesy snow face!

B is absolutely loving school and really seems to be thriving.  She is fully potty trained at school (I wish I could say the same for home - we are still scarred from our first attempt and thus have been putting it off), talks about how much she enjoys her teachers and classmates, and regularly says she isn't ready to leave when we arrive to pick her up at the end of the day.  Neither one of us is working yet, so we've been enjoying leisurely mornings at home where we make breakfast together, play for a bit, and slowly make our way to school, often by bike if the weather is nice.  

I'm starting a new job on the 30th!  I've made a tough decision to return to a law firm, but it's a completely different model and one that I hope will be the perfect fit for me. It's a boutique corporate firm (I am a transactional / corporate lawyer) with only 3 other attorneys that focuses on start-up and small company work.  The best part is that there is no pressure to bill a certain amount.  I told the head of the firm that I wanted to work 25 hours a week (of billable time) and that my ideal scheduled would be 1-2 days / week at home and on the days I'm at the office, I'd be there from 9:30 to 3:45.  He said that was fine.  I felt I couldn't say "no" to the opportunity.  After being in-house, I'm anxious about returning to law firm life, but flexibility is my priority right now so I'm going with it.

And we had an ultrasound last week and the baby was measuring 11 weeks and 3 days and looking good.  We have our 12-week ultrasound next Tuesday at the perinatologist's office.  I'm definitely nervous - I'll also have the MaterniT21 test done.  I'm still experiencing disbelief that this pregnancy might actually be real and might actually turn out well.  I have told almost no one.   That said, I'm definitely looking rounder in the belly area and I won't get away with silence on the topic much longer.  And no, I didn't tell my future employer.  I'm not ready and, legally, I don't have to.  I wish I felt comfortable enough to do so, but I don't.

R is away this weekend, so B and I are having a ladies weekend full of fall activities, and I'm so excited to pick pumpkins and generally just spend time with her without any obligations or scheduled activities.

Homeland

We've finally settled into our home enough to find time in the evening to watch a show and Homeland Season 6 is the show of choice.  Peter Quinn returns in this season as a central character and it made me think about how I can trace so much of what has happened in the past 4 years to which seasons of Homeland we were watching (I know, it is ridiculous).

We were watching Season 1 while I was pregnant with Q and it's where we first heard the name Quinn, which ultimately became our first daughter's name.  It's a character's last name, but we fell in love with it and thought it would be perfect for our little girl, which it is.  After Quinn died, we returned home in a cloud of grief and I recall binge watching Seasons 2 and 3 when it was easier to lose myself in a TV show than to allow myself to obsess over everything going terribly wrong in our life.  We watched Season 4 in the weeks leading up to B's birth and in her first days at home (I was so worried about watching it while she slept on my chest because it's so violent - I'm pretty sure she couldn't even make out my face at that point).

I am, miraculously, still pregnant and here we are watching Season 6.  It's a wonderful distraction from obsessing over miscarriage rates (I have visited this site more times than I'd like to admit), possible chromosomal abnormalities, blood clots, and the myriad ways in which a pregnancy can go awry.  I haven't allowed myself to worry too much thus far, mostly because I've been trying to pretend this isn't happening in an effort to protect myself.  We all know that never works.  I'm hugely invested in this pregnancy and the swell of joy I feel at each ultrasound when I see those little arms and legs moving and listen to the baby's heartbeat is truly incredible.  Today was no exception.  I am officially a patient of my regular OB now instead of my RE and today I got to see this tiny person bopping around in my belly and measuring 10 weeks with a heartbeat of 170 bpm.

R and I have literally exchanged 10 words on the topic and he hasn't been to an appointment yet (I felt superstitious and wanted to go alone), but he'll join me next week (my regular OB wants to see me weekly through the first trimester).  I've been feeling okay - definitely strong aversions to certain foods, some nausea, and exhaustion.  I caught strep throat last week, which hit me like a ton of bricks.  Thankfully, you can take penicillin when pregnant and I'm already feeling much better.

I'm also likely to commit to a new job this week and since I feel so uncertain about this pregnancy, I'm trying to not let myself ponder what it would mean to start a new job at 12 weeks pregnant.  Instead, I'm focusing on making B's Halloween costume, enjoying this luxurious period where I have childcare and no job, seeing friends, and relaxing.... and trying to take this all one day at a time.

First Ultrasound

I had my first ultrasound last week at what I thought would be 7 weeks from ovulation.  It wasn't until 1 PM so the day was dominated by me feeling intensely anxious.  By the time I was waiting in the doctor's office, my heart was beating out of my chest and my blood pressure was really high.  Thankfully, this ultrasound was with my RE's office and pretty much every woman having an ultrasound there is terrified so she didn't waste any time.

I first saw the heartbeat, which made me breath a sigh of relief.  Baby measured 7 weeks and 2 days with a heartbeat of 148 bpm.  My RE said everything looked "great" and we'll check again at 9 weeks, at which point I would be related to my high-risk OB.

Disbelief is definitely a leading emotion I'm feeling and of course I'm hesitated to feel excited.  I'm allowing some room for hope but remaining cautious.  My college roommate is visiting this weekend and we were supposed to run a trail 1/2 marathon in the mountains, which I bowed out of at my doctor's orders.  I have felt utterly exhausted and nauseated, which I take as good signs.  K and I stayed the night in Salida, Colorado before our race.  It was my first night away from R&B since we left on our trip and it was actually incredibly relaxing and just what I needed.  Plus, the leaves are starting to change in the mountains and I was reminded of why I love living in Colorado so much.

So... that's the news for now.  Next u/s is September 28th.  Fingers (and legs) crossed.

Beta Check

I finally called my RE and told the nurse about the positive pregnancy test.  I had two HCG blood tests last week - the first was 1339 (4 weeks, 2 days) and the second was 5346 (4 weeks, 5 days).  I originally wasn't scheduled to have a first ultrasound until 9 weeks, but I called and explained that after two early losses, my anxiety levels will be through the roof waiting that long.  So, I'll go in around 7 weeks for an ultrasound.  I took another test today for good measure, too:

I could call my normal OB and go in whenever I want to for an ultrasound, but I'm feeling superstitious and like I wouldn't mind doing things differently this time.  Rationally, I know it makes no difference whatsoever, but it feels better at this point to do things differently.  I've resumed Lovenox and definitely feel pregnant - tired, nauseated, bloated, and hormonal.  We are still operating as if nothing has changed around here, though - R and I haven't discussed it at all (literally, not at all - that probably sounds odd, but that's how we handle these things), I'm going to my workout classes, looking for a new job, etc.   

So, that is the Labor Day update from these parts.  It's so nice to be home and we feel more settled by the day.  This week we set up B's playroom and most of the unpacking is done.  She's in her big girl bed (although not sleeping through the night, which is taking its toll) and loves having her teepee set up in the playroom. Today we had an Olivia reading party, which included six Olivia books, plus her Olivia doll.  This morning she crawled into bed with us at 6 AM and just before 8 AM when she woke up, I was lying in bed just watching her sleep.  B looked peaceful and serene and just so beautiful.  Regardless of how this pregnancy turns out, I know I am incredibly lucky to have her in my life.

Groundhog Day

We've been home for a month, which is hard to believe.  We repainted the inside of the house, installed wood floors in rooms where we previously had carpet, and are only now back in our house (we had to live with my parents while the floors were being done).  Truthfully, this past month has been utterly exhausting, even though I'm thrilled with how the house looks.  B's sleeping is a total mess (more on that in a separate post) so we are all exhausted.

I have been back to acupuncture a few times and have had two sessions of Mayan abdominal massage, which also includes a regular massage, which I thoroughly enjoy.

And over the weekend, this happened:

You all know that I know better than to get excited.  I told R that I'd had a positive test and he just said, "okay."  We are both carrying on as if it didn't happen.  I had a HCG beta drawn today, as well as progesterone, so we'll see where those are tomorrow.

In any event, I feel silly even writing about this because I've had so many failed pregnancies.  I feel like a broken record or the girl who cried wolf.  But somewhere, deep down inside of me, I feel the tiniest glimmer of hope.  I don't want to let myself feel it, but I do.

So there it is. My August update.

And.... we're back!

Just like that, we are back in the United States.  We were gone for seven months and traveled, literally, around the world heading west.  We're back in Colorado now and settling into our home, having some renovations done, and trying to get B to understand that this time "home" actually means our real home where we'll stay for quite awhile.  She seems confused, which isn't surprising.

Being home also means I'm thinking more about next steps for trying to get pregnant again.  I've been feeling well for the last two cycles and am enjoying such feeling like me for the first time in awhile.  Tomorrow I have an appointment with my RE followed by an introductory visit with an herbalist and massage therapist who specializes in fertility.  It sounds a bit odd, but I'm willing to try anything and refuse to leave a stone unturned -- it's that glimmer of hope that is both a blessing and a curse when it comes to infertility.  I'm also going to get back on my acupuncturist's calendar.   I know I'm nearing a time when this door will close for permanently but I'll be damned if I don't do everything possible before then.

In any event, we'll see what happens.  I'm happy to be home.

P.M.A.

Enjoying the beach in Okinawa

My Dad was my high school soccer coach, which had some perks but also a great many downsides, mostly relating to accusations of favoritism and him being particularly hard on me (because he wanted me to be the best I could be, but still).  In any event, one of his favorite acronyms was P.M.A., for "positive mental attitude."  Having a positive outlook on life is not something I've had trouble with until the last few years.  And a few weeks ago, I made a decision to make a change.

As those of you who have been reading know, I've been feeling terrible about my body lady, I'm been having perimenopausal symptoms, and my mood has been all over the place.  I hate feeling this way, but I wasn't doing much to fix it and I realized I was being whiny and downtrodden and not appreciating what I have.

There was a triggering event for this wake up call that came out of nowhere.  I receive the GOOP newsletter, and while I normally delete it straight away, last week something caught my eye.  There was an article whose subtitle mentioned hormone imbalance and is on the GOOP site here.  Hormone imbalance!  That's me!  I immediately clicked through, read the article, downloaded the Dr. Sara Gottfried's book The Hormone Cure, and read it in one night.  It reminded me of when I read It Starts with the Egg a few years ago and immediately overhauled our house (no BPA, glass containers), my toiletries and cosmetics, and my supplement and vitamin protocol.  I just had this feeling like, "Hey! I want to feel better. I know I'm not doing everything in my power to feel better right now and how lame is that? Just do it."  When I wanted to improve egg quality, I did EVERYTHING I could.  And why am I not doing that now?

In any event, I ordered $350 of supplements and vitamins that will hopefully be waiting for me at the Westin in Tokyo next week before we fly to Amsterdam.  I've signed up for a marathon and started running regularly and using this app I love called SWORKIT (it has workouts that will make you sweat that require no equipment, including yoga and pilates), plus I created an Instagram account where I'm posting about my running, which helps me stay motivated (@rundarcyedenrun if you are interested).  We've been making a point of being in bed at 9:30 PM and lights out at 10:00 PM, which means I feel rested in the morning no matter what time B wakes up.  I'll resume regular acupuncture and massage once we are home (that's tough to do on the road).  I've started keeping a gratitude log in my Bullet Journal.  I've stopped drinking and am reducing carbs/gluten and treats/dessert. I find that on the road it is easy to see all of this travel as "vacation," which means have a drink at night! Have dessert!  Have a mid-afternoon ice cream! The trouble is, that vacation is many months long and not two weeks so it has taken its toll.

I'm two weeks in to making these changes and I feel so much better.  I had this realization that I have been singularly focused on trying to get pregnant, grieving Q, being pregnant and thus anxious, or dealing with a miscarriage for almost FIVE YEARS (it will be five years in October from when we first started trying to have babies).  FIVE YEARS.  I've lost myself in so many ways during this time and I'm ready to get myself back.  I feel like a better Mom, wife, and happier person and I'm so excited to keep this up.

Okay, so I think I sound a little crazy and possibly a little manic, but I really do just feel better.  P.M.A.!

I'll leave you with two things that happened in the last week.

Jizo Statues in Kyoto

First, I found my Jizo for Baby L / Q!  I read this NYT article "The Japanese Art of Grieving a Miscarriage" and knew that when we were in Japan, I wanted to find one of my own to have at home.  In Japan, these small figurines honor the souls of babies who were never born.  I'd been looking since we arrived, but hadn't seen any (I am positive I was just not looking in the right place).  Last week, we finished a lovely day of biking and rode by a shop with lots of figurines on display outside.  We pulled over on our bikes and there in front of the shop next to a fountain were all of these little Jizo statues.  I picked one out and have it carefully wrapped to bring home.

Second, I bought ovulation predictor tests.  This required a great deal of Googling, searching many drug stores, and ultimately showing photos of what I wanted to employees and asking for help.  I finally found them and actually purchasing them requires taking an empty box to the front of the store, someone going to a back room to get them, and then several layers of bags and packaging being wrapped around them (this is standard in Japan and not specific to the OPKs, but still amusing).  I haven't tried to use them yet, but hopefully I can interpret the lines on the tests (they don't have the smily faces like at home).  It was a funny thing to search for in a country where nothing is written in English.  I do very much miss the convenience and anonymity of Amazon Prime.
 

Spring in Japan

We've now been in Japan for 3 weeks and just settled into a home in Kyoto for two weeks. I listened to a podcast while running this week of an interview of a woman who traveled with her family of 5 around the world for 9 months.  She talked about how they had "slow and low" periods where they stayed put for an extended period of time.  2 weeks isn't that long, but it sounds like an eternity right now and I'm thrilled that we can explore Kyoto at our own pace.  We rented a bike with a kid's seat (and have another that came with our airbnb), we have a kitchen and I cooked dinner tonight, and I'm looking forward to having some "normal" days.  Today we found an awesome playground just a 5 minute walk from our house, too.

I'm still feeling all mixed up about pregnancies, babies, siblings, etc.  I have 2 rounds of Clomid with me and I decided to take one round this month because -- why not?  If I don't take it, I'm just toting it around the world for no reason.  I feel fine but it doesn't seem to be working as well this time around (based only on the fact that last time I had a lot of EWCM and I'm not having that as much this time around).  I'm taking COQ10, but not DHEA.  I just don't like how it makes me feel and I worry that I've taken too much of it these past few years.  Honestly, I feel pretty hopeless on the pregnancy front right now and maybe that's okay?  Perhaps I'm coming to grips with reality and acceptance is around the corner?  We'll see.

An aspect of our trip that has been very difficult for me is the utter lack of alone time.  I'm outgoing and enjoy spending time with friends, socializing, etc., but there is part of me that is extremely introverted. I love and need to be alone for some period of time each day and I am just not getting that.  With B not napping and spending every day with R, it's been challenging and I know it i isn't helping how I feel about pregnancy, myself, my body, etc.  I'm getting far afield from wanting another child here, but I have realized that not getting some time to myself is making me a worse wife and mother, making me less patient, and shortening my fuse when it comes to B, well, acting like a toddler!  I've started running every day, which I do alone, so hopefully that helps, and I'm hoping for some solo exploration time in the coming days.  

All of that said, I struggle lately with knowing why I'm feeling a certain way or what is impacting the strength of those emotions.  Is it hormonal imbalance?  Is it lack of alone time?  Is it the inconsistency and lack of routine that comes from travel?  Is it just how I'm feeling?  I don't know.

To end this on a happy note, the days are filled more often with happiness and joy than anything else, so I don't want to sound ungrateful or unhappy - I'm not.  I'm just parsing through what I am feeling, which I don't get to do these days with a girlfriend over coffee or wine, or with a therapist, which is probably what I should be doing...

Also, I wrote before about Sheryl Sandberg's heartbreaking missive after her husband's death.  She just published a book about grief and loss and finding strength in such circumstances called Option B.  I've just downloaded it, but in case you missed the news...

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It's an Epidemic

Eight people in the last week have either (a) given birth to a second or third baby when their previous child is younger than B or (b) told me they are expecting a second or third baby when their previous child is younger than B.  One friend is unexpectedly having twins.

Now I know I'm on this grand year-off adventure, which is supposed to make me calm and Zen, but SERIOUSLY WTF.  It's an epidemic.

Forgive me.  I know this is irrational.  I know other people's pregnancies in no way relate to mine.  I know I should be happy for each and every one of them (and I am... deep down....), but it's been crushing my spirit a bit this week as I feel like I am just being passed left and right by people who are so easily getting what I want.  And of course I mark each birth and month with where I would be if I hadn't had two miscarriages.  #3 would be four months old.  I'd be about 20 weeks pregnant with #4.  Everywhere we travel, I see families with two or three children and one of them is about B's age and there is always a younger one.

The thing is, I really do not want to feel this way.  I'd like to be present in the moment and on this trip all the time.  And when I'm not, I'd like it to be because I'm doing something constructive like reading, blogging, exercising, or listening to a podcast.  I don't want it to be because I'm stewing and being jealous of people I don't even know and whose ability to pop out babies left and right is wholly irrelevant in my life.

I went so far as to write down grievances I've been holding onto and to make a few wishes using Flying Wish Paper as recommended by Gretchen Rubin on the Happier podcast (which I adore and highly recommend).  It helped for a few hours, but this morning the feelings crept up on me, especially after seeing on Instagram that a friend had a baby and I didn't even know she was pregnant again!

Apologies, I'm just venting.  I *know* I have so much for which I should be (and am) grateful.  But I also think that part of letting go of these feelings is owning them and admitting they exist.  I don't always feel great.  I sometimes resent and am jealous of people in a ridiculous way.  And I feel extra guilty for feeling this way because I know my pre-B self, who was consumed by grief and fear of never having a child, would hate this post-B self for wallowing and being jealous considering I have a spunky, smart, fun, joyful toddler to chase after day in and day out.

That's all.

If anyone has any ideas for me, I'd love to hear them.

An Update from the Southern Hemisphere

Wow, I've been terrible about blogging.  I have been writing on my other blog, but I've been preoccupied with traveling and having fun.

Mercifully, the day after my doctor's appointment, my body started to miscarry on its own (I started bleeding).  It was as if my body had known for weeks but my mind was clinging to the pregnancy. Once I let go of it in my head, my body followed.  I took Cytotec anyway and it was a pretty easy process albeit uncomfortable as many of you unfortunately know.

5 weeks later, I have just had my first cycle since the miscarriage.  I haven't had any menopausal symptoms this time around for which I am eternally grateful and I haven't fallen into a depression like I did last spring.   Part of it is certainly that I have learned to manage my expectations a bit but more so I think it is just that I refuse to let this ruin our trip.  We had an incredible time in Hawaii, fell in love with Sydney, and are having the best time exploring New Zealand.  My health is good all things considered and I love spending time with R & B.  Am I incredibly sad and disappointed?  Of course.  But I won't let it swallow me whole this time around.

So, that's the update from here.  My OB did write me another prescription for Clomid before I left Hawaii and I filled it, but I don't plan on taking it right away.  I'm going to see what happens the next few cycles and try not to focus too much on trying to get pregnant.   I feel more resigned than ever to not having another baby.

I did read a fascinating NY Times article today about stillbirth and three tests that can help determine the cause in many cases: placental examination, fetal autopsy, and genetic testing.  We had all three of these done on Q and the placental examination did tell us what happened to her although we still don't know why.  In any event, an interesting read for those of us who have experienced stillbirth (at least I find myself wanting to read and know everything about it).

You all are still very much in my thoughts, I'm just not at a computer very often (which is the whole point of this trip).

Another Day, Another Miscarriage

I'm right back where I was last spring, just four weeks farther along than last time.  Yesterday we saw an OB in Kauai and the baby hadn't grown since six weeks and three days and there was no longer a heartbeat.  R & B were there with and just looking over at them and seeing B smile at me and give me a big hug made the whole situation survivable, but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't devastated, disappointed, sad, and, frankly, really f-ing angry.  I would just rather not repeatedly get pregnant only to find out the pregnancy isn't viable, and this one feels worse because we saw a heartbeat and I'm now 10+ weeks with *no* signs of miscarriage.  In fact, my HCG yesterday was 25,000 so clearly my body has not yet caught on.

Given how high my HCG is, the OB here wants me to come back in for a scan with their radiology department (better equipment) to confirm it isn't a molar pregnancy.  My Colorado OB (with whom I've spoken several times) thinks this is highly unlikely, but of course I'm going to go in to confirm.

Most of all, I feel foolish.  Foolish for getting my hopes up, foolish for thinking this was our second rainbow baby, imagining flying home mid-summer instead of next winter so that I could have this baby at home, worrying about the logistics of getting meds, etc.  None of it matters and why haven't I learned my lesson about thinking things will work out?

I am, of course, already thinking about what is next.  I'll take misoprostol again to induce bleeding so that everything can be "take care of" before we leave the U.S. (on February 12th).  And then what?  I know in my heart I'm not done - I want to have another baby.  But I am beginning to wonder if that is wise.  I'm 36 years old.  I have POF.  I now have a history of recurrent miscarriages, presumably due to chromosomal abnormalities.  I have complicated pregnancies.  I keep thinking: "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me."

One silver lining to all of this is that, so far, I feel much better emotionally than I did last spring.  Even with getting my hopes up, I knew better than to tell many people, make plans, or really give this pregnancy much credence.  I don't know if that is helping or the fact that I'm with my family in Hawaii but I don't feel the darkness overwhelming me like I did last spring.  Who knows?  It's too soon to tell how I'll feel in a few days, but I'm trying to keep perspective and stay as positive as possible.

So that's the (depressing, frustrating, infuriating, disappointing) update from here.

Grieving

A double rainbow with my rainbow baby beneath.  I'm choosing to see this as a good sign.

We have a lot going on over the past two weeks, much of it wonderful.  We celebrated Christmas (it's difficult to believe that was just two weeks ago), B's birthday, and the New Year, we packed up our house and moved out, moved our cat to my parent's, and left the mainland for Hawaii.  In the midst of all of the good, there is the anxiety that comes with early pregnancy and all of the thoughts that are always in the back of my mind but are front of mind this time of year on the anniversary of Q's death and the day I gave birth to her (Was she "born"? What is the the right word?).  I thought constantly about Q over the past few weeks and reflected a lot on everything that has happened since December 2013.  We didn't have the opportunity to do anything in particular to memorialize the day other than to light a candle and talk about her and what happened (and to think about how lucky we are to have B), but I feel the heaviness of the season even here in Hawaii.

"The Japanese Art of Grieving a Miscarriage" appeared in the NY Times this week and I love that the culture embraces and encourages publicly honoring babies who are never born.  I'm going to keep my eyes open for a Jizo when we are in Japan and try to bring one home to honor both Q and the little baby we lost this spring.  There is something so comforting about an object -- when Q died, the hospital gave us a box and inside was a tiny bear.  It isn't anything special, but I have slept with it every night since we left the hospital.

I've been particularly upset this week about some favorite bloggers (who I do not know personally) who just lost their son who was born prematurely.  Their grief and sadness and loss is so palpable in the photos and how courageous of them to share something so personal.  For whatever reason -- this time of year, being pregnant and emotional, or just the fact that their situation is heartbreaking -- I find what they are going through so upsetting and I wish I could reach out to them.  I have no idea what I'd say, but I just want them to know they aren't alone.

All of this just serves to remind me that, three years out from losing Q, I still acutely feel her absence and it is front of mind, more so in December and January than is typical.  And even in the midst of an exciting adventure and the possibility of another life, I'm grieving.  Still.

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I did find an OB in Kauai and have an appointment at the end of the month.  They have no perinatologist or MFM on the island and they don't do "level 2" ultrasounds as they called it (e.g., the 12-week anatomy scan) so I'm going around 10 weeks for another ultrasound and the Progenity chromosomal test.  If I need additional monitoring or testing, we'll spend a night on Oahu before we head to Sydney.  At this stage with Baby B, I had weekly ultrasounds (for my peace of mind). I'm trying my best to be Zen about this -- what will be, will be.