Two Months of Claire

We are just shy of three months with Claire and what joy she has brought to our lives.  I've thought often of writing, but the days are quite busy, even if just with nursing, cooing, rocking, and then frantically trying to clean, cook, organize, and do laundry while C sleeps.  She is gaining weight like a champ, an excellent eater, the sweetest smile-giver and coo-er, and such a little love.  She has huge blue eyes and these incredible long lashes and a tiny, kissable nose.  I could just stare at her for hours (and often do).

This maternity leave has been so different from that with B.  B was born in the dead of winter and while we went outside most days to walk, we had a lot of cozy hours and endured a lot of dark afternoons and evenings.  B also was a pretty scheduled sleeper (her own doing) from the start - waking every 3 hours - and a good sleeper as she great.  Claire instead has been born into what I assume will be the hottest summer on record in Denver. We've had many days over 90 degrees and while my instinct is to be outside all the time in summer, we've been inside more than I'd expect because it is SO hot and sunny.  Claire has also been a terrible sleeper (sorry, Claire, still love you to pieces but it is true) and an incredibly noisy baby with irregular breathing, which I found disconcerting and finally after several calls to her pediatrician, an ER visit, and a trip to the ENT (which included a scope down her nose) was diagnosed as laryngomalacia, which is essentially floppy and underdeveloped tissues in the larynx. Most children outgrow laryngomalacia, but her irregular breathing is downright terrifying (and helps explain her trouble sleeping).  One second she'll sound like an adult male who is snoring (no exaggeration) and the next she will pause her breathing for 5-10 seconds and then breathe quietly for awhile.  I've included a video below which will give you an idea of what I'm describing (sound on, obviously).

The combination of Claire's breathing issues and what I think was some postpartum anxiety coupled with lack of sleep and not being allowed to exercise yet meant things were pretty rough here for a few weeks.  I was not myself and beside myself with worry for Claire.  I only know what I'm experiencing myself, but I wonder if you are a Mom after a loss or losses if you just worry more, fret more, think about the worst possible outcomes more? Because let me tell you, I think about then All.  The.  Time.  Only now as Claire seems to already be improving in terms of breathing am I relaxing a bit, sleeping more at night, exercising, and generally feeling more like myself.  I often feel like I can't say anything negative about my experience as a Mom because I am so over-the-moon happy to be one, but there it is.

The upshot is that Claire is a sweet, easy baby, but she has trouble breathing and life here has been a bit rough but is improving.  We went away for the first time for the 4th and had a lot of fun, I'm slowly navigating how to give B the attention she needs and wants while still caring for Claire, and R and I are figuring out how to make time for our relationship in the midst of the craziness at home.

A few more things:

• I return to work on August 13th. I am ready to return to work in some capacity, but we'll see how the transition works.  Since I work from home 2-3 days a week, I have some flexibility with how I use daycare if I'm not busy, but I still feel immensely guilty for being excited to work again. I think that is a topic for another (longer) post.
• Because of Claire's breathing troubles and my resulting lack of sleep, we hired a night nurse that a friend used and loved.  It was, without a doubt, the best money I've spent recently. She immediately set me at ease, Claire takes a bottle from her (which she really won't do for anyone else), and she arrives at 10 PM and leaves at 6 AM.  Thankfully, I have a great milk supply again so I don't even wake up to pump, I just go to bed.  And in the morning, I feel like a new person -- one who is ready to be an enthusiastic and patient wife and mom.  It's awesome.  
• My body. Man. I know I just had a baby, and perhaps I'm feeling worse this time around because it is summer and I've been in a swimsuit a lot, but somehow I feel like I am GAINING weight while breastfeeding.  WTF.  Is that possible (I don't own a scale)?  Obviously this doesn't really matter, but it doesn't feel great to still have my clothes feeling tight and being so ill-fitting.
• This is another topic that deserves a separate post, but B has been a wonderful big sister. She isn't that interested in Claire, but she is sweet to her and mostly understanding of the fact that Claire sometimes requires attention which means B is not getting any.  We have certainly had some very rough moments with her and in general are facing some behavior "challenges."  I always know we are having some parenting challenges when I'm downloading parenting books left and right :) 

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First Snow

We had our first snowfall of the winter season earlier this week (it was gone the same evening) and it was magical to see Blythe really enjoy snow for the first time.  We missed winter last year and the year prior she was a little too young to really enjoy it although we certainly subjected her to sledding and playing around in it.  Seeing her so excited to play in the snow, to eat it, to scoop it up into bowls, etc. is making me look forward to winter this year.  Fingers crossed for some big snowfalls that allow us to do all the fun snow activities.

Cheesy snow face!

B is absolutely loving school and really seems to be thriving.  She is fully potty trained at school (I wish I could say the same for home - we are still scarred from our first attempt and thus have been putting it off), talks about how much she enjoys her teachers and classmates, and regularly says she isn't ready to leave when we arrive to pick her up at the end of the day.  Neither one of us is working yet, so we've been enjoying leisurely mornings at home where we make breakfast together, play for a bit, and slowly make our way to school, often by bike if the weather is nice.  

I'm starting a new job on the 30th!  I've made a tough decision to return to a law firm, but it's a completely different model and one that I hope will be the perfect fit for me. It's a boutique corporate firm (I am a transactional / corporate lawyer) with only 3 other attorneys that focuses on start-up and small company work.  The best part is that there is no pressure to bill a certain amount.  I told the head of the firm that I wanted to work 25 hours a week (of billable time) and that my ideal scheduled would be 1-2 days / week at home and on the days I'm at the office, I'd be there from 9:30 to 3:45.  He said that was fine.  I felt I couldn't say "no" to the opportunity.  After being in-house, I'm anxious about returning to law firm life, but flexibility is my priority right now so I'm going with it.

And we had an ultrasound last week and the baby was measuring 11 weeks and 3 days and looking good.  We have our 12-week ultrasound next Tuesday at the perinatologist's office.  I'm definitely nervous - I'll also have the MaterniT21 test done.  I'm still experiencing disbelief that this pregnancy might actually be real and might actually turn out well.  I have told almost no one.   That said, I'm definitely looking rounder in the belly area and I won't get away with silence on the topic much longer.  And no, I didn't tell my future employer.  I'm not ready and, legally, I don't have to.  I wish I felt comfortable enough to do so, but I don't.

R is away this weekend, so B and I are having a ladies weekend full of fall activities, and I'm so excited to pick pumpkins and generally just spend time with her without any obligations or scheduled activities.

6.5 Months & Flexing My Schedule!

Our "little" B is 6 1/2 months old!  She's no longer all that little (50th percentile for height and weight at her six-month appointment), she's moving like crazy (so far rolling all over the place and scooting backwards), she is desperate to crawl forward, and loves trying new foods.  Her first swimming lesson was last night and she loved it.  We only dunked her head under the water once and was surprised by it, but not upset.  She also loves drinking from a small cup she has with a straw.  She's obsessed with straws.  I blame the fact that she sees me and her nanny drinking Starbucks from a straw and is jealous!  She brings us so much joy.

I finally worked up the courage to talk to my boss about flexing my schedule at work.  Since I don't really want to reduce my hours, just work in the evening after B goes to sleep and sometimes go home early or arrive late, I just asked if I could occasionally do that - leave at 3, hang out with B and then work for a few hours after 7:30 PM when she is asleep.  Before I even finished my sentence , he said it was fine. All of that stress and anxiety about this on my part and the conversation could not have gone better.  Last Friday I worked from home for the first time and it was awesome.  I worked the night before to clear my plate and took 2 calls while B was napping, but I also went to music class with her, went for a run with her in the stroller, and spent a lot of time just playing.  Thanks to all of you who shared your thoughts on this with me and gave me the courage to ask.

That's really the update from here. Life is so, so good.

I think of Quinn often.  I also think often about having another baby (yes, so soon).  I don't know if I have the appetite for IVF, doctors, etc. after finally being healthy again after such a long time.  But then I look at Blythe and I know we'd love to have another. Who knows.

Shared Experiences

We've had a bit too much going on at home lately, so I have had little to no time to myself and hence no time to blog. My husband ruptured his achilles and has been on crutches for the last 6 weeks (2 more weeks to go).  I am now even more in awe of single parents or those of you with a spouse who is deployed or away for long periods of time.  It is hard to be the sole caregiver for a baby (and to take care of an injured adult on top of that).

If you haven't seen Sheryl Sandberg's post on Facebook about losing her husband, check it out.  Her thoughts and advice and experience with such a tremendous loss will likely resonate.  I particularly related to her loathing of the question "How are you?"  I used to want to scream at people who asked me that.  And I also loved how she said  the following:

"Option A is not available.  So let's just kick the shit out of Option B."

When I catch myself thinking of Option A (Lemon), I let myself dream of what she would be like, but also remind myself how utterly amazing it is that we have Blythe.  I wouldn't want to think of her as Option B, but you know what I mean... arriving at B was not what we planned, but it certainly is sweet.

On a completely separate subject, I've had two people in the last few weeks approach me to talk about their losses. The first was a woman with whom I connected through our acupuncturist who lost her baby at 30 weeks due to a cord accident. The second is a woman with whom I work who stopped by my desk sobbing last week.  Her daughter-in-law (who also works at our company) had just found out at 20 weeks that her baby had anencephaly and they had to terminate the pregnancy.  I don't know this woman, but she knew I had been through something similar and just wanted to talk.  It just broke my heart and it stirred up so many crazy emotions and sent me running home early to snuggle B.  Every day I am so thankful for her.  Speaking of work, I still haven't figured out working less or asking for reduced hours.  I plan to do something about it this week, but thank you all for your thoughts and feedback on the subject.

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B, by the way, is SO big!  I'm sure she is still in the 30th percentile somewhere, but she seems just huge to me!  She is rolling over like crazy (I still panic when I see her sleeping on her stomach in the monitor), talking constantly, and just so much fun.   She also has, in my wholly biased opinion, the best hair.

You'll never know unless you ask!

This is how I feel about motherhood.  It's overwhelming how much I love our little nugget.

I'm just about finished with my third week of work.  I promised myself that I'd give work a full four weeks before I thought seriously about, or made any decisions about, asking to reduce my hours or work from home occasionally.  But I'd be lying if I didn't admit that it is on my mind ALL the time.  I am fortunate in that I live close to my office (9 minutes) and don't have rigid hours, so I generally arrive at 8:00 AM and leave at 5:00 PM.  However, this means I get about an hour in the morning with B (during which time I am also getting ready for work, so it isn't quality time) and when I get home I get about an hour before she is ready to eat and get ready for bed.  Sometimes she is napping, so I get even less.

And it just isn't feeling like enough.

As a lawyer, I don't have the kind of job that can be shared with someone else so I can't just go part-time (the work arises when it does and often cannot be pushed off for a day or two).  But I am productive and focused when I am at work and I think I could get my work done in a shorter period of time, which would allow me to see more of B.  Right now I am considering asking to work 8 to 3 and to finish up anything that needs to get done urgently after B goes to bed.

I'm wondering if any of you have asked for reduced hours or a big change in your work situation?  Do you have any suggestions for how best to approach the conversation?

One thing I keep reminding myself is that I'll never know what is possible unless I ask.  The answer may be "no," but it may not be.

And the following quote reminded me why finding the balance that works for me is so very important.  I don't want to lose myself, but what matters most to my heart is spending time with B.

By the way, both of these posters are from the artist Susan O'Malley who did an amazing project where she asked people on the street to give the advice they thought their 80-year-old self would give.  I love the responses.  In heart-wrenching news, she passed away in March at 39 weeks pregnant with twins and lost both of her girls, too.  I cannot even imagine how her husband is surviving.

Working for the Weekend

Happy Friday!  This one is especially happy since it is my first week back at work and I am counting the minutes until I can go home and snuggle with B (6 hours, 14 minutes).  B is home with a nanny who I think it taking wonderful care of her.  I suppose I have to trust my instincts on this one (and my husband's, since we hired her), but it is SO hard to leave her at home with someone who I really do not know well, no matter that she had great references and we loved her in her interview.  Any advice on this one?  I told my husband I wanted to install a nanny cam and he officially thinks I am off my rocker and has warned me not to frighten the nanny away.

The emotions of this first week back are intense.  Truthfully, it feels really nice to get up, shower, blow dry my hair, and go to work!  I get a coffee on the way, I get a lot done, I converse with adults, and I have some freedom and feel a bit more like myself.  I try to squeeze in a workout and to remember what I am like as an individual rather than just who I am as a Mom.  And I have some time to catch up on blogging and reading other blogs (I am sure my employer would be thrilled to hear that).

But, I spend a great deal of my day thinking about B.  What is she up to?  When can we snuggle?  Will she be awake when I am home?  What are she and the nanny up to?  Is she happy?  Is she being properly cared for?  Will she resent me for not having stayed home with her?  The list goes on and on...

B will be four months old next week and we are having so much fun together so I just hate missing out on things.  She has rolled over a few times and laughs and smiles and loves being read to and sung to. And I am not there to see it happen.  This weekend we are taking her swimming for the first time. I cannot wait.

I know we all struggle with these emotions and there is a completely other side of them for those of us who stay home with our babies full-time.  I knew it would be hard, but perhaps not *this* hard.  Any thoughts or advice from those of you who have been doing this longer?

Crazy hair!