Two Months of Claire

We are just shy of three months with Claire and what joy she has brought to our lives.  I've thought often of writing, but the days are quite busy, even if just with nursing, cooing, rocking, and then frantically trying to clean, cook, organize, and do laundry while C sleeps.  She is gaining weight like a champ, an excellent eater, the sweetest smile-giver and coo-er, and such a little love.  She has huge blue eyes and these incredible long lashes and a tiny, kissable nose.  I could just stare at her for hours (and often do).

This maternity leave has been so different from that with B.  B was born in the dead of winter and while we went outside most days to walk, we had a lot of cozy hours and endured a lot of dark afternoons and evenings.  B also was a pretty scheduled sleeper (her own doing) from the start - waking every 3 hours - and a good sleeper as she great.  Claire instead has been born into what I assume will be the hottest summer on record in Denver. We've had many days over 90 degrees and while my instinct is to be outside all the time in summer, we've been inside more than I'd expect because it is SO hot and sunny.  Claire has also been a terrible sleeper (sorry, Claire, still love you to pieces but it is true) and an incredibly noisy baby with irregular breathing, which I found disconcerting and finally after several calls to her pediatrician, an ER visit, and a trip to the ENT (which included a scope down her nose) was diagnosed as laryngomalacia, which is essentially floppy and underdeveloped tissues in the larynx. Most children outgrow laryngomalacia, but her irregular breathing is downright terrifying (and helps explain her trouble sleeping).  One second she'll sound like an adult male who is snoring (no exaggeration) and the next she will pause her breathing for 5-10 seconds and then breathe quietly for awhile.  I've included a video below which will give you an idea of what I'm describing (sound on, obviously).

The combination of Claire's breathing issues and what I think was some postpartum anxiety coupled with lack of sleep and not being allowed to exercise yet meant things were pretty rough here for a few weeks.  I was not myself and beside myself with worry for Claire.  I only know what I'm experiencing myself, but I wonder if you are a Mom after a loss or losses if you just worry more, fret more, think about the worst possible outcomes more? Because let me tell you, I think about then All.  The.  Time.  Only now as Claire seems to already be improving in terms of breathing am I relaxing a bit, sleeping more at night, exercising, and generally feeling more like myself.  I often feel like I can't say anything negative about my experience as a Mom because I am so over-the-moon happy to be one, but there it is.

The upshot is that Claire is a sweet, easy baby, but she has trouble breathing and life here has been a bit rough but is improving.  We went away for the first time for the 4th and had a lot of fun, I'm slowly navigating how to give B the attention she needs and wants while still caring for Claire, and R and I are figuring out how to make time for our relationship in the midst of the craziness at home.

A few more things:

• I return to work on August 13th. I am ready to return to work in some capacity, but we'll see how the transition works.  Since I work from home 2-3 days a week, I have some flexibility with how I use daycare if I'm not busy, but I still feel immensely guilty for being excited to work again. I think that is a topic for another (longer) post.
• Because of Claire's breathing troubles and my resulting lack of sleep, we hired a night nurse that a friend used and loved.  It was, without a doubt, the best money I've spent recently. She immediately set me at ease, Claire takes a bottle from her (which she really won't do for anyone else), and she arrives at 10 PM and leaves at 6 AM.  Thankfully, I have a great milk supply again so I don't even wake up to pump, I just go to bed.  And in the morning, I feel like a new person -- one who is ready to be an enthusiastic and patient wife and mom.  It's awesome.  
• My body. Man. I know I just had a baby, and perhaps I'm feeling worse this time around because it is summer and I've been in a swimsuit a lot, but somehow I feel like I am GAINING weight while breastfeeding.  WTF.  Is that possible (I don't own a scale)?  Obviously this doesn't really matter, but it doesn't feel great to still have my clothes feeling tight and being so ill-fitting.
• This is another topic that deserves a separate post, but B has been a wonderful big sister. She isn't that interested in Claire, but she is sweet to her and mostly understanding of the fact that Claire sometimes requires attention which means B is not getting any.  We have certainly had some very rough moments with her and in general are facing some behavior "challenges."  I always know we are having some parenting challenges when I'm downloading parenting books left and right :) 

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On Wanting a Second Baby (with infertility and after loss)

I had trouble even coming up with a title for this post.  I want to say "after infertility and loss" in the parenthetical, but we all know that once you are infertile, you are always infertile... even if you have a child and even if said pregnancy came about without any medical intervention.

See... I'm rambling already!

I ran my first marathon in 3 years yesterday and it was fine.  I had a decent race (for me) considering that I did one long run and very little running-specific training.  After my clot, I was told I might never run again (residual clot can mean lifelong problems with numbness, tingling, swelling, etc.).  I feel fortunate that isn't the case for me, and yesterday reminded me that I am strong and I spent a lot of time thinking about how grateful I am to be healthy right now.  I also spent miles 16 through 26 feeling so very sad that I was running through the streets of Austin, Texas while my husband and daughter were at home. There were waves of overwhelming guilt and longing to be home and with them that I just could not keep at bay.  It made me question whether training for a race is something I want to prioritize right now -- I was basically hyperventilating and trying not to start sobbing.  I think a lot of the feelings were real -- I was traveling for work 2 weeks ago and then away this weekend and I miss B (and my husband) like crazy -- and some of it was hormonal and some was exhaustion.  But man... it caught me off-guard and has left me feeling very conflicted about what it is that I want going forward (from the perspective of my personal goals and athletic endeavors, which were previously very important to me).  Walking through our door last night to this face was the best feeling...

That is all along introduction into what I really wanted to write about, which is that I am constantly thinking about another baby these days.  Getting a marathon under my belt this year was a goal and now that that is done, I know getting pregnant will increasingly be on my mind.  R and I talked this week and decided that, for now, we aren't going to pursue IVF.  I would go back to my RE in a heartbeat, but R was seriously traumatized by everything that happened when we lost L. For me, all I could think about was that my baby died.  My little L was gone.  But for R, he almost lost me and for now he is so happy that I'm healthy and happy and that we have B and that things are calm for us medically right now.  The idea of all the drugs and hormones and increased clotting risk, etc. is more than he wants at this time.  I also hesitate with being busy at work to add RE appointments into my schedule, knowing they would detract from quality time with B that is already so limited for me.And I am okay with that... for now.  We agreed to revisit in a few months or if either of us changed our mind in the interim.  To be clear, we would both love to have a second child, but R isn't convinced we should go through multiple rounds of IVF to have a second child.

Going forward, I'll resume taking my supplements and vitamins, track ovulation and we'll make an effort to give ourselves a shot at getting pregnant on our own each month.  With what we know about my fertility struggles, the odds are SO low of that happening.  On one hand, I've been pregnant twice after being told by CCRM (and others) that I would *never* have a baby that was genetically mine.  But on the other hand, I've been pregnant twice... and the odds of it happening again are SO low.  And then this line of thinking queues feelings of guilt... because we have amazing, joyful baby B and how can I be so greedy as to want another baby?

Do any of you have any super-secret getting pregnant tricks for me?  :)  Anyone else in a similar position and have thoughts?  I don't want to have any regrets, which is why we'll revisit the RE conversation in a few months.

A dear friend who had her first baby just a week before B was born just told me she is 7 weeks pregnant again and the jealousy that I'm feeling caught me totally by surprise and, frankly, makes me disappointed in myself.  Obviously her pregnancy has nothing to do with me, but it is JUST SO EASY FOR HER AND THAT IS INFURIATING.  I'm so jealous.  I find myself staring at pregnant women and wishing for their bump... and these reactions have confirmed what I already know, which is that I do want another baby...

[This is an incredibly disjointed post.  Apologies.]