Mother's Day & Surprises

For the last week, I've just felt off.  I wasn't sure if it was emotional stress from the approach of Mother's Day and constant thoughts of L (and how I should be celebrating this year with L and my Mom) or worry about our upcoming IVF cycle and my wacky cycles and just wondering what IS going on with my body!

On Thursday night, my curiosity got the best of me and I took the one remaining pregnancy test that I have in the house.  And this happened.

I immediately started crying and called my husband.  You can read our story of losing L - her loss at 26 weeks not only involved the unexplainable awfulness that is losing a child, but also involved me almost dying, 10 days in the hospital, and a lot of uncertainty and fear about my health.  I'm both desperate to be pregnant again and absolutely terrified.

Friday morning I went to my OB's office and had a blood test - HCG @ 122 at an estimated 12-13 days post ovulation.

Monday morning cannot come soon enough (I'll do a follow up HCG test).  At the same time, I'm scared that this is just some crazy fluke because it is absolutely just too good to be true.  But then how could the universe do this to us again?  Give us hope only to just crush it?  It has happened before so I know it can happen again, but I just don't know... can I handle this happening again?

To make matters worse, I bought more of the Clearblue Easy Advanced Pregnancy Tests with Weeks Estimator and it hasn't moved to 2+ weeks yet, which it should have based on my online reading about the tests sensitivity - it should have bumped to 2+ weeks if my HCG was doubling appropriately.  So, I've fallen down the rabbit hole of worry and negative thoughts fully knowing there is nothing I can do but wait until tomorrow afternoon for blood test results.

Anyway...  it is snowing here and I'm instead hoping to finish The Goldfinch, drink tea, and try not to worry...