On Wanting a Second Baby (with infertility and after loss)

I had trouble even coming up with a title for this post.  I want to say "after infertility and loss" in the parenthetical, but we all know that once you are infertile, you are always infertile... even if you have a child and even if said pregnancy came about without any medical intervention.

See... I'm rambling already!

I ran my first marathon in 3 years yesterday and it was fine.  I had a decent race (for me) considering that I did one long run and very little running-specific training.  After my clot, I was told I might never run again (residual clot can mean lifelong problems with numbness, tingling, swelling, etc.).  I feel fortunate that isn't the case for me, and yesterday reminded me that I am strong and I spent a lot of time thinking about how grateful I am to be healthy right now.  I also spent miles 16 through 26 feeling so very sad that I was running through the streets of Austin, Texas while my husband and daughter were at home. There were waves of overwhelming guilt and longing to be home and with them that I just could not keep at bay.  It made me question whether training for a race is something I want to prioritize right now -- I was basically hyperventilating and trying not to start sobbing.  I think a lot of the feelings were real -- I was traveling for work 2 weeks ago and then away this weekend and I miss B (and my husband) like crazy -- and some of it was hormonal and some was exhaustion.  But man... it caught me off-guard and has left me feeling very conflicted about what it is that I want going forward (from the perspective of my personal goals and athletic endeavors, which were previously very important to me).  Walking through our door last night to this face was the best feeling...

That is all along introduction into what I really wanted to write about, which is that I am constantly thinking about another baby these days.  Getting a marathon under my belt this year was a goal and now that that is done, I know getting pregnant will increasingly be on my mind.  R and I talked this week and decided that, for now, we aren't going to pursue IVF.  I would go back to my RE in a heartbeat, but R was seriously traumatized by everything that happened when we lost L. For me, all I could think about was that my baby died.  My little L was gone.  But for R, he almost lost me and for now he is so happy that I'm healthy and happy and that we have B and that things are calm for us medically right now.  The idea of all the drugs and hormones and increased clotting risk, etc. is more than he wants at this time.  I also hesitate with being busy at work to add RE appointments into my schedule, knowing they would detract from quality time with B that is already so limited for me.And I am okay with that... for now.  We agreed to revisit in a few months or if either of us changed our mind in the interim.  To be clear, we would both love to have a second child, but R isn't convinced we should go through multiple rounds of IVF to have a second child.

Going forward, I'll resume taking my supplements and vitamins, track ovulation and we'll make an effort to give ourselves a shot at getting pregnant on our own each month.  With what we know about my fertility struggles, the odds are SO low of that happening.  On one hand, I've been pregnant twice after being told by CCRM (and others) that I would *never* have a baby that was genetically mine.  But on the other hand, I've been pregnant twice... and the odds of it happening again are SO low.  And then this line of thinking queues feelings of guilt... because we have amazing, joyful baby B and how can I be so greedy as to want another baby?

Do any of you have any super-secret getting pregnant tricks for me?  :)  Anyone else in a similar position and have thoughts?  I don't want to have any regrets, which is why we'll revisit the RE conversation in a few months.

A dear friend who had her first baby just a week before B was born just told me she is 7 weeks pregnant again and the jealousy that I'm feeling caught me totally by surprise and, frankly, makes me disappointed in myself.  Obviously her pregnancy has nothing to do with me, but it is JUST SO EASY FOR HER AND THAT IS INFURIATING.  I'm so jealous.  I find myself staring at pregnant women and wishing for their bump... and these reactions have confirmed what I already know, which is that I do want another baby...

[This is an incredibly disjointed post.  Apologies.]

13 Months! (and random thoughts)

Where did the month of January go?  I'm big on resolutions and goal-setting and last night I finally made time to write my resolutions for 2016.  Better late than never, right?  After reading Better Than Before (which I love and highly recommend), I am trying to set quantifiable and measurable goals and have a mix of personal, professional, fitness, and emotional health-type resolutions.  We'll see.  Even when I don't keep all of my resolutions, I find them to be helpful reminders of what is important to me throughout the year.  Plus, I love looking back at them (I have paper copies back to high school and have kept them electronically since 2006). 

Enjoying a warm winter day at the park (in pigtails!)

I've been all over the place with posts I have wanted to write, so I'm going to stick to a bullet-point list so I can get it all down:

• I read this quote and it really resonated with me: “Here is a little secret about grief, catastrophe, loss, suffering: you are exactly the same after as before.  Only more so."  I'm not certain that I agree, but it made me think a lot about who I was before we lost Q and who I am now.  Perhaps the ways in which I have changed aren't really changes, but just that I feel and experience those feelings and behaviors in different ways?  Incidentally, this quote was from "After Birth," which I loathed.  I haven't read a book that made me so angry in such a long time.  The protagonist spent most of the book lamenting how terrible the birth of her son was (she had to have a c-section, it didn't go as planned, blah blah blah...) and it was so irritating.  
• In trying to find the title of "After Birth," I looked at my GoodReads list of books read for 2016 and realized that I seem to be on a grief-death kick.  I also read "The Opposite of Loneliness" (the author died just days after her graduation from Yale) and "When Breath Becomes Air".  I'd recommend both of those.  The latter is intense (the author writes it while dying of lung cancer), but so, so good.  And "The Opposite of Loneliness" is similarly heartbreaking... the author writes of her hopes and dreams, about how she'll be in the future as a parent, etc.  And all of that was taken away.  Both were a reminder of even when things are bad, how much worse they could be.  I know that no one wants to hear "It could be worse," but sometimes it is helpful to have a little perspective.
• Oh, did you come here for news about Baby B being a TODDLER and 13 months old?  Well, fine!  B is... amazing!  She is walking all over the place, babbling (mostly) unintelligibly, smiling, laughing, reading, loving her stuffed animals, and generally causing trouble in the best way possible.  I write this in every post, but she is such a joy.  When I get home from work, we often sit in the study (effectively her play room at this point) and she sits in my lap and looks at her books (she flips the pages super fast and doesn't let me read to her).  I snuggle her and smell her head and kiss her cheeks and generally just smother her with love.  Sometimes it just is too much and I get super emotional... I feel overwhelmed by how much I love her.
• I am running a marathon on February 14th. I feel under-prepared but I know I just need to get back out there and get it done.  We'll see how that goes.
• My thoughts are still often with getting pregnant again.  I think that is a subject for another post, but you all are probably sick of hearing about it.  
• I stopped nursing.  I thought I would be very sad about this, but it was okay -- it was time for us.  B loves milk and I was tired of pumping at work.   The only thing I miss about it now is the snuggle time and the ease of nursing vs. having to prepare a bottle.

I'll leave you with a few more photos.  Thanks to those of you who are still reading.  One of my resolutions is to blog more frequently, so we'll see if I can stick to that.  The bar is set pretty low...

Good morning!

With my favorite girl before a day of skiing with my husband
(she was unfazed by the ski resort daycare, which was awesome).

2 Years

What a week.  Christmas!  The New Year!  Baby B is ONE!  And it is the second anniversary of losing Q (Baby L).  We had a gorgeous white Christmas and B was overwhelmed but loved the ornaments, the paper, the gifts, the music, etc.  We both took B's birthday off of work, took her swimming and out to lunch, and did all of her favorite activities.  It's been such a nice stretch of spending time as a family and having a lot of fun, but lurking in the background are the memories of little Q.  My mind flashes back to scenes from the hospital much more often these days and I find myself hugging Blythe extra hard, rocking her longer, holding her while she sleeps, and constantly thinking of Q and B. 

I'm reminded both of how much we have lost and how lucky we are to be where we are today.  It's unfathomable to me what this anniversary would be like without B in my arms.  This is my not-so-little one-year-old on Christmas enjoying the fresh snow.

I try to remind myself to be grateful and happy when I instead find myself feeling envious of another friend's second or third baby pregnancy announcement.  I know I should always focus on what I have, which is the most wonderful gift I've ever been given. 

Thinking of you today, Quinn, and missing you like I do every day.

Happy Birthday, B!

Happiest birthday to our Baby B!  How is it possible that you are one already?  We could not love you more.

Someone loves playing with balloons and eating berry shortcake.

11 Months and Hawaii!

Whoa.  Where did the last few months go?  Summer ended and everyone seemed to remember they had a job and all of a sudden my work flow picked up and, frankly, got totally out of control!  I haven't made time for much outside of spending time with family, work (including lots of travel), exercising (occasionally), and sleep.  And let's be honest... most of my time outside of work is spent with this nugget:

I cannot believe she'll be 11 months old this week.  Apparently I am supposed to start thinking about her first birthday?  Where did the last year go?  Does anyone have any first birthday party tips?  I swore when I was pregnant that we'd always celebrate her birthday so she wouldn't resent the fact that it is sandwiched between Christmas and the New Year, but now I'm wondering what we should do.  Perhaps it is time to get on Pinterest so I can be reminded of my party planning inadequacy!

We've been doing a lot of traveling lately, both for work and pleasure.  I had work trips to Washington, D.C. and Boston and now we are in Hawaii for 2 weeks for vacation.  A break from work and "regular" life could not have come at a better time.  I haven't been checking e-mail or text messagand I feel so refreshed and refocused, which was much needed.  And I've spent a lot of time thinking about just how much we have to be thankful for this year... which is easy to do when I'm playing in the sand with the sweetest little girl.  I've been reading Better than Before (Gretchen Rubin and I seem to be on the same wave length) and trying to stick to good habits and quash bad ones, which includes blogging more frequently and running regularly (I signed up for the Austin Marathon in February so I better).  Does anyone else enjoy Gretchen's books or podcast?

So, as we kick off the holiday season later this week with Thanksgiving, I want those of you who read to know I am thankful for you and your support and your willingness to share and listen.  And if any of you have taken a red-eye with an 11-month-old baby, I'd love to hear any advice you have.  While this vacation has been absolutely amazing, I am dreading the flight home...

Halloween

Alternative title: better late than never.

I cannot resist sharing that Baby B was a garden gnome for Halloween.  And in my humble and totally biased opinion, she crushed it.  My Mom made her costume and B even left the hat and beard on for several hours.  

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

If you are reading this blog, I suspect you already know that today is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day and that October is SIDS, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Month.  I know that all of us who have lost a baby or babies think of them every day, but I really love that there is a special day to honor those babies and our losses and do hope that awareness grows for these events.

Two weeks ago, we attended the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep walk in Littleton, Colorado. My parents joined us, as did a friend from my support group (and her husband and baby girl).   It was a somber experience (of course) and so wonderful to set aside a few hours to just reflect and both celebrate and allow ourselves to be sad about Quinn.  They read the names of all the babies who had been lost by attendees and it really meant to much to just hear her name.  It was heartbreaking to hear hers and so many others (and so many families with multiple names that were read).

What I didn't do that I still want to do this month is go back and look through Quinn's box (incidentally, the box that NILMDTS gave us in the hospital). I haven't looked at her photos in months and somehow I feel like I am doing a disservice to her memory.  That said, sometimes I just can't bring myself to open up the floodgates for the grief again.  I know it is good to do from time to time, but it hasn't felt like the right time yet...



I woke up to a very sweet e-mail from a friend this morning telling me she is thinking of me and attaching the image below, which is from a line of cards.  These cards were created by Dr. Jessica Zucker, a psychologist and writer who specializes in women's reproductive and maternal-fetal health.   I'm not one to drop F-bombs often, but I did appreciate the message and the statements certainly resonated with me -- it is amazing what people think will help to say.

What I'm trying to do this month is be especially joyful about my current situation (and particularly for that nugget pictured above).  I have a happy, healthy, fun, beautiful little girl and the best husband.  I have a great job and a comfortable home and life is very, very good.  Every morning when I get B from her crib, I give thanks for her and the joy she has returned to our home and our hearts.  She is such a light.  So even with the sadness that bubbles up more often than I would like, and especially this month after events like the walk, I know just how good things are.

I'm thinking of you all... while I may not know you outside of our online connection, I think of you all often, wonder how you are doing, love reading about your activities and families, and so greatly value this community that has taken me in and pulled me through some really hard times.