Amy Klein

Have any of you followed Amy Klein's journey on the Motherlode blog at the NYT?  She has been trying to get pregnant for 3 years and has gone to great lengths, traveled abroad to seek more affordable care, etc.  If you want to read an inspiring story, you should check her's out.

She gave birth to a healthy daughter earlier this month!  I was so excited to see her article in my inbox this morning. Check out her story if you need some good news and some hope.

6.5 Months & Flexing My Schedule!

Our "little" B is 6 1/2 months old!  She's no longer all that little (50th percentile for height and weight at her six-month appointment), she's moving like crazy (so far rolling all over the place and scooting backwards), she is desperate to crawl forward, and loves trying new foods.  Her first swimming lesson was last night and she loved it.  We only dunked her head under the water once and was surprised by it, but not upset.  She also loves drinking from a small cup she has with a straw.  She's obsessed with straws.  I blame the fact that she sees me and her nanny drinking Starbucks from a straw and is jealous!  She brings us so much joy.

I finally worked up the courage to talk to my boss about flexing my schedule at work.  Since I don't really want to reduce my hours, just work in the evening after B goes to sleep and sometimes go home early or arrive late, I just asked if I could occasionally do that - leave at 3, hang out with B and then work for a few hours after 7:30 PM when she is asleep.  Before I even finished my sentence , he said it was fine. All of that stress and anxiety about this on my part and the conversation could not have gone better.  Last Friday I worked from home for the first time and it was awesome.  I worked the night before to clear my plate and took 2 calls while B was napping, but I also went to music class with her, went for a run with her in the stroller, and spent a lot of time just playing.  Thanks to all of you who shared your thoughts on this with me and gave me the courage to ask.

That's really the update from here. Life is so, so good.

I think of Quinn often.  I also think often about having another baby (yes, so soon).  I don't know if I have the appetite for IVF, doctors, etc. after finally being healthy again after such a long time.  But then I look at Blythe and I know we'd love to have another. Who knows.

Shared Experiences

We've had a bit too much going on at home lately, so I have had little to no time to myself and hence no time to blog. My husband ruptured his achilles and has been on crutches for the last 6 weeks (2 more weeks to go).  I am now even more in awe of single parents or those of you with a spouse who is deployed or away for long periods of time.  It is hard to be the sole caregiver for a baby (and to take care of an injured adult on top of that).

If you haven't seen Sheryl Sandberg's post on Facebook about losing her husband, check it out.  Her thoughts and advice and experience with such a tremendous loss will likely resonate.  I particularly related to her loathing of the question "How are you?"  I used to want to scream at people who asked me that.  And I also loved how she said  the following:

"Option A is not available.  So let's just kick the shit out of Option B."

When I catch myself thinking of Option A (Lemon), I let myself dream of what she would be like, but also remind myself how utterly amazing it is that we have Blythe.  I wouldn't want to think of her as Option B, but you know what I mean... arriving at B was not what we planned, but it certainly is sweet.

On a completely separate subject, I've had two people in the last few weeks approach me to talk about their losses. The first was a woman with whom I connected through our acupuncturist who lost her baby at 30 weeks due to a cord accident. The second is a woman with whom I work who stopped by my desk sobbing last week.  Her daughter-in-law (who also works at our company) had just found out at 20 weeks that her baby had anencephaly and they had to terminate the pregnancy.  I don't know this woman, but she knew I had been through something similar and just wanted to talk.  It just broke my heart and it stirred up so many crazy emotions and sent me running home early to snuggle B.  Every day I am so thankful for her.  Speaking of work, I still haven't figured out working less or asking for reduced hours.  I plan to do something about it this week, but thank you all for your thoughts and feedback on the subject.

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B, by the way, is SO big!  I'm sure she is still in the 30th percentile somewhere, but she seems just huge to me!  She is rolling over like crazy (I still panic when I see her sleeping on her stomach in the monitor), talking constantly, and just so much fun.   She also has, in my wholly biased opinion, the best hair.

You'll never know unless you ask!

This is how I feel about motherhood.  It's overwhelming how much I love our little nugget.

I'm just about finished with my third week of work.  I promised myself that I'd give work a full four weeks before I thought seriously about, or made any decisions about, asking to reduce my hours or work from home occasionally.  But I'd be lying if I didn't admit that it is on my mind ALL the time.  I am fortunate in that I live close to my office (9 minutes) and don't have rigid hours, so I generally arrive at 8:00 AM and leave at 5:00 PM.  However, this means I get about an hour in the morning with B (during which time I am also getting ready for work, so it isn't quality time) and when I get home I get about an hour before she is ready to eat and get ready for bed.  Sometimes she is napping, so I get even less.

And it just isn't feeling like enough.

As a lawyer, I don't have the kind of job that can be shared with someone else so I can't just go part-time (the work arises when it does and often cannot be pushed off for a day or two).  But I am productive and focused when I am at work and I think I could get my work done in a shorter period of time, which would allow me to see more of B.  Right now I am considering asking to work 8 to 3 and to finish up anything that needs to get done urgently after B goes to bed.

I'm wondering if any of you have asked for reduced hours or a big change in your work situation?  Do you have any suggestions for how best to approach the conversation?

One thing I keep reminding myself is that I'll never know what is possible unless I ask.  The answer may be "no," but it may not be.

And the following quote reminded me why finding the balance that works for me is so very important.  I don't want to lose myself, but what matters most to my heart is spending time with B.

By the way, both of these posters are from the artist Susan O'Malley who did an amazing project where she asked people on the street to give the advice they thought their 80-year-old self would give.  I love the responses.  In heart-wrenching news, she passed away in March at 39 weeks pregnant with twins and lost both of her girls, too.  I cannot even imagine how her husband is surviving.

My Babies & Due Dates

I finally wanted to share my baby's full names.  Not sure what is inspiring me to do this today, but I was just thinking about the anonymity of this blog and that I might be changing my tune about whether it it is necessary.

Anyway.

Baby L is referred to as "L" because we called her Lemon through my pregnancy. I'm not sure why, but it was an early nickname and it stuck.  But her real name is Quinn.  Beautiful, sweet Quinn.  I often think of her as my little Q.  But I do also still think of her as Lemon and think it would have been one of her nicknames.  Or maybe it is still her nickname?  I get tripped up in tenses when I think of Quinn.

And our Baby B!  The love of my life who brings me so much joy -- more than I thought we might ever feel again after we lost Quinn.  Baby B's real name is Blythe.  It means happy.  We hope she is happy and she certainly makes us the happiest we've ever been.  It has been my favorite name for ages and it just fit her (even though it took us 3 days in the hospital to actually commit).

So there it is.  You have now officially met my Baby B and Baby L.

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Last week was also the one-year anniversary of L's due date.  Little Lemon would be one year old.  I would have a one-year-old.  My due date anniversary and my last week of maternity leave combined to make it an emotional week.  Mostly I cuddled Miss B as much as possible, gave her many kisses, let her nap in my arms, and enjoyed every second with her.  But I also told her about her sister and had a few good cries thinking about the last two years and everything we have been through, lost, and gained.

As we all know, anniversaries are tough.

Working for the Weekend

Happy Friday!  This one is especially happy since it is my first week back at work and I am counting the minutes until I can go home and snuggle with B (6 hours, 14 minutes).  B is home with a nanny who I think it taking wonderful care of her.  I suppose I have to trust my instincts on this one (and my husband's, since we hired her), but it is SO hard to leave her at home with someone who I really do not know well, no matter that she had great references and we loved her in her interview.  Any advice on this one?  I told my husband I wanted to install a nanny cam and he officially thinks I am off my rocker and has warned me not to frighten the nanny away.

The emotions of this first week back are intense.  Truthfully, it feels really nice to get up, shower, blow dry my hair, and go to work!  I get a coffee on the way, I get a lot done, I converse with adults, and I have some freedom and feel a bit more like myself.  I try to squeeze in a workout and to remember what I am like as an individual rather than just who I am as a Mom.  And I have some time to catch up on blogging and reading other blogs (I am sure my employer would be thrilled to hear that).

But, I spend a great deal of my day thinking about B.  What is she up to?  When can we snuggle?  Will she be awake when I am home?  What are she and the nanny up to?  Is she happy?  Is she being properly cared for?  Will she resent me for not having stayed home with her?  The list goes on and on...

B will be four months old next week and we are having so much fun together so I just hate missing out on things.  She has rolled over a few times and laughs and smiles and loves being read to and sung to. And I am not there to see it happen.  This weekend we are taking her swimming for the first time. I cannot wait.

I know we all struggle with these emotions and there is a completely other side of them for those of us who stay home with our babies full-time.  I knew it would be hard, but perhaps not *this* hard.  Any thoughts or advice from those of you who have been doing this longer?

Crazy hair!

Time Flies! 10 Weeks!

Where does the time go?  Baby B was 10 weeks old on Sunday and my maternity leave is flying by.  I am not always sure what I get "done" every day (sometimes nothing), but the days seem to pass quickly and, frankly, in the most wonderful way that usually involves walks with B in the Ergo, a jog with her in the car seat and running stroller, a nap or two on my chest, some tummy time, and our new nighttime routine (we finally seem to be developing one that works).  Of course there is also crying, blow out diapers, fussiness, and a lack of sleep, but the good stuff just overshadows those things.  I am repeatedly overwhelmed by how much I love her, spending time with her, snuggling with her, smelling her head, kissing her cheeks, and generally smothering her with love.

Yeah!  My current favorite photo of Baby B!

I am sometimes amazed by how all of the little tasks I intend to get done just do fall to the wayside. For example, I have been reading all of your wonderful blogs on my iPhone during feedings, but I have yet to find a way to read AND respond in a timely manner. I actually think I'll have a lot more time to do personal things upon my return to work.  I'm sure my employer will love that.

Some other things I have come across in my late night blog reading.  Not that I shop at Dolce & Gabbana, but if you do, now is the time to stop.  So upsetting.  So ignorant.  This story about a woman's experience with stillbirth made me well up with emotion and sadness.  Sometimes I hold B and just think about how much I love her and how I feel so incredibly fortunate, lucky, blessed, etc. to have her in my life.  Oh, and my parents were visiting a few weeks ago and we watched the movie "Labor Day."  Have you all seen it?  I had no idea before watching it (or I wouldn't have), but the main character has multiple miscarriages and a stillborn baby.  It was gut-wrenching to watch.

There are just three weeks remaining in my maternity leave.  It's funny - I have always been a hard-charging, goal-oriented career woman.  After college and law school I took a job at one of the largest law firms in the world and have always just pushed toward having a "high powered" career (whatever that means).  I've dialed it back a bit since we moved to Colorado, but never before have I felt so disinterested in my job.  And I LOVE my job, I really do.  But I kind of just want to stay home with B.  I've been focused for so long on having a baby and here she is!  And now I am going to leave her? R and I decided I would go back full time for at least a month and see how it goes before I make any decisions, so that is the plan.

And to cap off this incredibly random post, I've been thinking about removing the anonymity associated with this blog.  I'm not planning to shout from the rooftops to friends and family that I have it, but I might just start using full names, etc.  We'll see.  Anyone have any thoughts on the matter?

Oh, and one more cute two month shot just because.  B has caught up in weight and height and is starting to get chubby cheeks and folds in her thighs.  I love it.

I've never been so happy.