Anyway, the six month mark hit me like a ton of bricks in a way that I was just not expecting. Truthfully, the date sort of crept up and then, the night prior, I found myself wide awake and crying until the wee hours of the night because I just was so sad about everything that happened. So sad about losing L. So sad about losing my ability to hope... for anything. So sad for our family. And then so scared about this miracle pregnancy and the pain that I know we could suffer through again.
I tried to calm myself by talking to the little baby growing inside of me... telling him/her how much we love them, how we can't wait to meet him/her, and how we just want to have him/her as part of our family so very much. I guess the date and my reaction just reminded that while I can have "normal" days where I think of L, but don't necessarily cry or get upset, there are other days when I just feel absolutely bowled over by the sadness.
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In a happier update, we had a good ultrasound Monday morning and Thursday is the big 12-week scan and Maternit21 test. Update to follow!
Hugs to you!! Anniversaries are so tough. I always struggled with which date to use as well. We have lit our candles based on his birthday and also on October 15th.
ReplyDeleteSo glad everything looked good on your last u/s and wishing you the best on Thursday!!
Thanks, Leslie. Yes, they are. And it seems so unfair that everything just continues on and yet this horrible thing is happening for our family. I like your approach of doing something both days...
DeleteIt must be so hard. I'm sorry for that tough reminder. But glad you looks good with the ultrasound. Hugs!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Jessah. Yes, the ultrasound was good news and most days I can focus on the positive instead of being sad. It's just those moments sometimes that catch you off-guard, you know?
DeleteI'm playing a little catch up and just read this now. I'm so sorry you had such a hard day hon. It's so true, there are easier days and hard days. Coming up on the 4 year mark of when we lost our son, I wish I could say that it went away, but it never really does. The hard days aren't as often, but they still hit me out of the blue every once and a while.
ReplyDeleteI am so happy that this new pregnancy is going well. Looking forward to your next update on Thursday.
Big hug <3
Thanks so much. I know this will just be something to carry for life, it is just that those moments sometimes catch me by surprise in the worst way. I should just be used to crying in public at this point, right? :)
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