What the what?

First of all, Happy 4th of July!  We spent a long weekend (5 days) in Seattle visiting a bunch of friends and had a blast.  The weather was cooler, there is tons of water (obviously), and we enjoyed delicious oysters and great craft beer.  Oh, and Blythe rocked some seriously cute red, white, and blue!

So much attitude these days. I love it (I know I won't when she is 16).

Second, my body is doing some crazy things lately.  I have been feeling better (as I said in my last post). I saw my OB to talk HRT on 6/28.  We developed a plan, talked next steps, and I promptly came back to work and got my period.  She also re-ran my FSH since I was feeling better and it was 7.7.

7.7!  From 59.

This swing fits with what every doctor has said to me - DOR/POF is unpredictable.  I could have these swings regularly, it could have been the miscarriage, they just don't know.  So, we'll see. In the meantime, I feel better.  I'm less irritable, I feel positive again, I'm less snappy (poor R), and I just feel like me.  I can't ask for much more than that.  For now, we will hold off on HRT and see what happens.

Chin Up!

I'm not sure what has changed since my last two posts, but I'm happy to report that I'm feeling much better. The malaise that has been hanging over me since my miscarriage has, for the most part, lifted.  I've decided that despite the horrible test results I got, I'm not giving up on my body.  I refuse to believe that I can go from regular cycles to menopause with one miscarriage, even if that makes me a fool.

So, I'm back on all of my supplements, the herbs recommended by my acupuncturist, and I'm going to see my OB next week about hormone replacement therapy (HRT).  I'm also going to see a local NP who specializes in natural HRT.  If I'm going to start pumping my body full of hormones, I'm going to do some research first.

Whether it is the shift in my attitude or an actual change in my body or the herbs/supplements, I haven't had a hot flash in two weeks and my other symptoms have gone away.  Like writing in the early days of pregnancy, I feel like a fool for publishing this post in some ways.  I know what my numbers are.  I know what the odds are of ever getting pregnant.  And I know that I'm in perimenopause.  But I'm not giving up.

In the meantime, how could I stay sad too long with this sassy, adorable one in my life? 

I also ran another marathon last weekend.  While I have always enjoyed running and have never had an issue with mental toughness, in the two races I've done this year, I've had absolute mental collapses around mile 18.  I become really negative, I've shed tears (crying and running do not go well together), and I've questioned whether I can finish (even though there is no doubt than I can physically).  I've concluded that marathoning is something I am really not enjoying right now, so I'm taking a break.  I'm still going to run, but I'm going to do more pilates and swimming and mountain biking and things that I'm actually enjoying.

So, that's the update.  Call me crazy for not just throwing in the towel, but I'm just trying to keep things real and honest on this blog.  So there it is.

The "M" Word

I've known this day was coming since my dreaded diagnosis in early 2013 of premature ovarian failure / diminished ovarian reserve.  I'm 10 weeks out from my miscarriage and still no sign of my period.  I gave in and had a blood test run last week to check Estradiol levels and FSH.  Given the recent hot flashes I've been experiencing, the results are not surprising:

Estradiol: undetectable
FSH: 59

I'm officially in perimenopause.

How I can go from being pregnant to menopause in one cycle is completely baffling (especially since I'd had 3 normal cycles prior to the pregnancy).  But I have.  As explained by my OB, this doesn't mean I won't have cycles again as hormone levels tend to fluctuate, but I should assume that my baby-making days are over.  I'm going to start hormone replacement therapy.

Menopause.  This is something that my Mom talks about.  That women in their 50s deal with. How am I here?

Nevertheless, I am.  Please don't think for one second that I don't count myself lucky every time I look at Blythe, think about Blythe, kiss her cheeks, hug my husband, etc.  Over the past three years we have faced infertility, failed infertility treatments, a stillborn daughter, me almost dying from a blood clot in pregnancy, a miscarriage, a myriad of health concerns, and, most importantly, the birth of our living daughter.  She is a miracle and I count my lucky stars every day for her life.

But does that change the fact that I dream of having another living child?  Not at all.

I'm an only child and I loved my childhood. I think we can give B a wonderful upbringing on her own. But I really would have liked her status as our solo living little one to have been our choice.  I'm resenting the fact that this decision has been made for me, and frankly in such a cruel way.

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I have the impression that most of my readers are here because we share the common experience of losing a baby, but if any of you out there have experience with POF/DOR. I'd love to hear your thoughts/experiences.  Have you had wild fluctuations in hormone levels?  Any advice/guidance?

Crickets

I've been quiet over here for the last six weeks.  April was a very hard month for me.  I foolishly thought I would just bounce back from the miscarriage and feel like myself again right away, which proved to be the exact opposite of what happened.  Despite doing everything I could think of for self care (running, pilates, sleep, acupuncture, a weekend away), for the first time I felt like I was truly depressed.  After we lost Q, I wasn't depressed - I was devastated and grieving and angry.  I'm sure under all of those emotions, I was depressed, but this felt different.  It was just like there was a dark cloud hanging over my head that I couldn't push away no matter what.

To make matters worse, I've been having hot flashes.

A likely outcome of having premature ovarian failure and diminished ovarian reserve is that I will go through menopause much earlier than most women.  Thus, the hot flashes have been absolutely freaking me out.  I have been scared to tell anyone because I sometimes feel (even though it is nonsensical and absurd) that if I say out loud "I am having hot flashes" it somehow will make it more true than the physical discomfort of heat creeping up my body.  Ha. 

I finally went to my OB last week.  I told her about the hot flashes and about how I've been feeling. She prescribed Zoloft (more on that later) and we discussed the hot flashes.  They could mean I am in perimenopause or they could be related to my hormones being out of whack post-miscarriage.  I still haven't had a period following the miscarriage (8 weeks), so I'm taking Provera to force my body to have one.  

Needless to say, I'm feeling totally unlike myself and like things are totally out of control as it relates to my body and fertility.  That said, just having the Zoloft at home has made me feel better - like knowing I could take it has made me feel better.  I've felt more like myself this week than I have in ages.

As part of trying to feel better, I dialed it back on blogging and reading blogs.  I have relied on this community so much in the past few years, but sometimes I go down the rabbit hole of re-reading people's stories of loss and infertility and it just sucks me in.  And when I'm already feeling so overwhelmingly sad and gloomy, I've been trying to avoid making it worse.  

Thanks to those of you who are still reading and many of you who I know understand.

Spring

I had an ultrasound on Tuesday that confirmed the Cytotec worked and I don't need a D&C.  Now that  I've officially miscarried, I feel some closure and am trying to put this behind me and get back to feeling happy and positive.  Suffice it to say that this hasn't been as easy as I hoped it would be.  I've found myself a bit of an emotional disaster the past week.  I'm happy one minute and sad the next and my anxiety is through the roof.  My OB prescribed some Xanax (unsolicited - she just thought I might want it), which I've never taken before but am very tempted to try.

I keep reminding myself that my HCG is probably only just back to 0 and so I'm sure my hormones are all out of whack.  Plus, last week was Baby L's due date.  That date doesn't weigh on me as much as the anniversary of her birth, but I do find myself thinking "L would be 2 this week" and other related thoughts.    

Anyway... most of you know how the emotions go after a miscarriage (unfortunately), so I won't drone on, but I don't yet feel like myself.  I can be happy all day and the come crashing into a terrible mood and a total funk where I am upset with R and just want to cry and/or be grouchy for no obvious reason.  Please let this pass quickly.

I did sign up for a marathon in June (my version of therapy), I've started going to acupuncture again because I find it incredibly relaxing, and I've been having so much fun with B when I'm not at work, especially since we've been having amazing spring weather and she loves to roam the neighborhood with me looking at flowers and leaves.  Photo below of her scoping out our neighbor's bush that has beautiful yellow flowers (at least until this weekend when we are supposed to be hit with a massive snowstorm).  B has finally learned how to smell something rather than always trying to put everything in her mouth.  

This miscarriage has made me think a lot about how much we are willing to go through to have a second child.  Of course it is what we both WANT, but given my AMH level, FSH, follicle count, etc., everything suggests that my egg quality is low, which means a higher risk of miscarriage and chromosomal abnormalities.  IF I even get pregnant again, the odds are higher than normal that this could happen again.  As of right now, I still want to continue trying to get pregnant, but I don't know how many miscarriages I can handle.  I know many of you out there have been through this many times, but after losing L and given what we know about my fertility situation, I think there may be a point when we decide that B is a healthy, happy, fun, joyful little girl, we are thrilled to have her, and having one living little one is enough. 

We also booked a trip to Cabo for the first weekend in May.  A little vacation with beach time should help.

It's Official

At our ultrasound on Monday, we learned that the baby hadn't grown at all.  It was the news I was expecting, but it didn't make it any easier to swallow.  We talked through options (wait to miscarry naturally, take Cytotec at home, or have a D&C) and I kept everything together at my doctor's office.

B and I had her first swimming lesson of the new session that afternoon and had so much fun.  She loves the water and it was just what I needed for us to play together and laugh and for me to be reminded of everything I do have.  

I didn't lose it until I was putting B to bed.  We always read in the glider and then I rock her while she has milk and I sing.  And man, are there any lullabies that aren't sad to begin with and even worse when you are struggling and emotional?  I basically sobbed my way through her bedtime and for the following hour... and then I swallowed 4 Cytotec and the waiting began.

Unfortunately, the Cytotec hasn't worked at all, so I stayed home from work and wore a bulky pad (ha) all day for nothing. I'm starting round #2 tonight and I really hope it works this time.  My OB would really like for me to avoid having a D&C and I really would rather not as well.

Now that we have a path forward, I feel much better about the state of things.  I obviously wished the outcome was different, but I know that something was wrong and am relieved that any difficult decisions that could have arisen weeks from now are out of my hands.

So, that's my update.  Life goes on.  I'm scheduling fun activities and a date night for the weekend and hoping that I've made some progress by then.  Thank you all for your support, it means so much.

Love You Forever

Have you all read the book "Love You Forever" by Robert Munsch?  We have a copy and it is one of those books that I read when I need a good cry and otherwise don't because it is a reminder of our mortality and how quickly these little kiddos grow up.

What I didn't know until this communication from Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep was that the author wrote the book about his two stillborn babies.  The verse that is repeated is actually a song:

I'll love you forever,

I'll like you for always,

as long as I'm living

my baby you'll be.

I'm feeling extra emotional today, but this song and this book tug at my heartstrings and I feel so sad for the author and his two babies.  A company called Little Orchard Co. in Canada has started the "Love You Forever Project," which includes a line of t-shirts and onesies using a line from this book: "love you forever."  Proceeds from the sale of the clothes go to Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep.  From Little Orchard's website, they say the following about the Project:

This tee was inspired by my sister who lost both her precious son and daughter within 10 months. Until that happened, I didn't know much about stillbirth and infant loss.  This tee is meant to bring awareness to the issue of stillbirth and infant loss. To the army of warrior parents, grandparents and family members, who have lost their precious children, I hope it will start conversation, acknowledge stories, and inspire.  This tee was created for every person who has loved a child. Whether it was just 2 lines on a pregnancy test, whether it was before 40 weeks, whether they took them home from the hospital or not, whether they hold them in their arms, or only in their heart.