Time Marches On

How is it November?  October was filled with all the fun activities that one gets to attend when you have a small child who is mesmerized by all things Halloween.  Pumpkins!  Bats!  Ghosts!  Lights!  Seriously, I had no idea how much better fall would be with a toddler.  Plus, in my humble opinion, B seriously crushed it in the costume category.

Our trip is slowly coming together.  I find myself daydreaming of the beach and know that we'll be there before we know it, plus there is Christmas between now and then.  After Kauai, we'll head to Sydney and then to New Zealand where we'll stay for 6-8 weeks.  And then onto Japan!

On the fertility front, I don't have anything to report.  I've been feeling okay.  I've had wonky cycles, but all signs point to ovulating and I'm having cycles, so that is something.  But seriously - since my miscarriage, my cycles have been 27 days, 35 days, 18 days and 38 days.  What gives?!  I had decided to just leave without seeing a Reproductive Endocrinologist, but then I found out that the one I liked best is joining a new practice that I also liked, so I figured there was no harm in just seeing what she has to say.  I still want to know thoughts on trying HRT and then coming off of it (I've read this is how some have success) and if there is anything else I should be doing (although I doubt there is).  Some days I feel resigned to just having one child, giving away all of our baby stuff (we ARE decluttering), and moving on from this stage of my life.  It would be liberating to stop thinking about trying to get pregnant, which might be what happens naturally next year when we are traveling.  I'm so excited to quit my job and spend more time with B and R.

If you want to read a heavy but incredibly moving, poignant, heartbreaking piece about the death of a child, you must read "Children Don't Always Live." Maybe I should have led with this sad link and followed with the flamingo?  Oops.

Happy Fall to you all!

September, Sadness, and A Year of Travel

It's been six weeks since my last post and there has been a lot going on.  Frankly, there has been so much going on in our lives that I haven't had much time to dwell on my wacky cycles and getting pregnant and it has been a welcome break from the subject.  To briefly mention it, I've had two more cycles, one that was 35 days and one that was 19.  I don't think I ovulated either cycle.  C'est la vie.  I feel fine and haven't been having any menopausal symptoms, so I'l take it.

Two things have dominated my life in the last few weeks:

First, my best friend died.  I don't know how to share this news without being blunt.  In a period of my life that seems to be marked by grief (as well as by extreme joy), this is yet another example of how life can be so incredibly cruel.  At the same time, her death is a reminder to live each day to the fullest.  Each night when I read to B and rock her to sleep, I smell her head, kiss her cheeks, and tell her how much I love her and relish those moments because Chelsey doesn't get to do that to her little ones anymore. It breaks my heart.  She was the first person with whom I shared my infertility news, the first person at my side after Quinn died, the only person other than Rob who attended ultrasounds during my pregnancy with Blythe, and the friend I visited for coffee immediately after my miscarriage this spring.  We've been through so much together and I don't quite know how I'll get through more without her.  But I know I will because she was the toughest lady that I know and I'll use that as my inspiration.

I'm not particularly religious.  At times like this, I really wish that I were.  Chelsey's father passed away a year to the day before Quinn.  She always talked to me about how Quinn was in heaven with her Dad and he was talking the best care of her for me.  When I got pregnant this spring again, she said "thanks, Dad and Quinn, for sending Darcy another baby."  And now the only comforting thought I have about Chelsey is that she is with her Dad (who she missed dearly) and with Quinn.  I know she believed that she would be, so I'm going to believe it, too.

This photo is of me and Chelsey after our marathon in June (I'm on the right).  She was the kind of friend who would agree to run a marathon in 6 weeks because you had a miscarriage and need something to work toward.  This won't be the last time I mention her on this blog, but that's all I can say for now.  I miss her dearly and keep waiting for her to text me about our next long run or dinner with the kiddos.

Second, we have made a momentous decision: we are taking 2017 as a year to travel.  We have booked tickets, departing January 2nd, for Kauai.  From there, we'll head to New Zealand and Japan and then to Europe.  It's a crazy decision, but it felt like the right time for both me and R in terms of work.  I'm desperate to spend more time with B and with R.  It's been a tough couple of years and it will do us some good to relax, travel, spend time together, and just enjoy life.  We aren't putting ourselves in any financial hardship by doing this trip and we are so excited.

Given that we are all acquaintances via the Internet, this probably sounds insane and like something I'm making up.  I'm really not.  I will be blogging about the trip on my regular blog, which you are all welcome to follow (although we aren't leaving until January): www.darcyeden.com.  I just ask that you please respect the fact that I talk about Q and infertility in a very different way in that space (which is not very much - I'm not ready) and REALLY do not want this space revealed on that site.

It's hard to be joyous about this adventure giving Chelsey's death.  It's actually astonishing to me how differently I'm experiencing grief about Chelsey as compared to Q, but I think that is a topic for another post.  I haven't wrapped my head around it yet.

Hug your husband, wife, partner, parents, family, littles, etc. extra tight.

August Update & Pregnancy on HRT

Summer is moving along here.  We've taken a few weekend trips in Colorado and have another one coming up next weekend.  It's been so fun to enjoy the beautiful weather, the mountains, swimming, gardening with B, and generally just watching her become a little person.  She has started using two word phrases and is VERY opinionated.  I hear "no" a lot these days, but she is also extra into her Mama, which I secretly love (whenever I find it overwhelming, I remind myself that soon she will be too big to hold and then likely a teenager who hates me).

Miraculously, I just had a normal, 28-day cycle during which I had EWCM and according to the OPKs ovulated.  I didn't get pregnant, but I did feel pretty normal the entire cycle.  I could tell my period was about to arrive because I became insanely irritable... like I knew what was coming out of my mouth was an over-reaction, but there was nothing I could do to stop it.

I'm seriously considering starting a very low dose of estrogen (0.1 mg/day) even though my menopausal symptoms have all but ceased.  I still feel emotionally a bit on edge and I think the estrogen will help.  The dose is so low that it wouldn't prevent me from getting pregnant.  I've read this post over and over and my doctor said the same thing - you can absolutely still get pregnant on HRT.  I've read this study and this one, too.  Does anyone have experience with HRT, whether just in general or getting pregnant while doing HRT?  Any thoughts, advice from a doctor, etc.?  I'm desperate for more information on this topic and it doesn't seem to exist. What I'm really wondering is whether your odds are better trying to get pregnant while on HRT if you still have some ovarian function or whether it is better to not be on the estrogen if you are still ovulating?  I suppose it is time to make an appointment with my OB again...

Happy end of summer to everyone!

Chin Up!

I'm not sure what has changed since my last two posts, but I'm happy to report that I'm feeling much better. The malaise that has been hanging over me since my miscarriage has, for the most part, lifted.  I've decided that despite the horrible test results I got, I'm not giving up on my body.  I refuse to believe that I can go from regular cycles to menopause with one miscarriage, even if that makes me a fool.

So, I'm back on all of my supplements, the herbs recommended by my acupuncturist, and I'm going to see my OB next week about hormone replacement therapy (HRT).  I'm also going to see a local NP who specializes in natural HRT.  If I'm going to start pumping my body full of hormones, I'm going to do some research first.

Whether it is the shift in my attitude or an actual change in my body or the herbs/supplements, I haven't had a hot flash in two weeks and my other symptoms have gone away.  Like writing in the early days of pregnancy, I feel like a fool for publishing this post in some ways.  I know what my numbers are.  I know what the odds are of ever getting pregnant.  And I know that I'm in perimenopause.  But I'm not giving up.

In the meantime, how could I stay sad too long with this sassy, adorable one in my life? 

I also ran another marathon last weekend.  While I have always enjoyed running and have never had an issue with mental toughness, in the two races I've done this year, I've had absolute mental collapses around mile 18.  I become really negative, I've shed tears (crying and running do not go well together), and I've questioned whether I can finish (even though there is no doubt than I can physically).  I've concluded that marathoning is something I am really not enjoying right now, so I'm taking a break.  I'm still going to run, but I'm going to do more pilates and swimming and mountain biking and things that I'm actually enjoying.

So, that's the update.  Call me crazy for not just throwing in the towel, but I'm just trying to keep things real and honest on this blog.  So there it is.