Happy Friday & Proverbs 13:12

Our dear friends have been longing for a baby for years.   Two weeks ago, they received the incredible news that the birth mom of a little girl had chosen them to adopt her baby and suddenly they are parents.  Their news made me so emotional and has filled my heart with such joy these past two weeks.  We were discussing how, although our situations are quite different, there is just something to becoming a parent after so much longing and sadness and despair and hope (and lack thereof) (and I say this with the disclaimer of not knowing what it is like to be a parent without those feelings and they probably feel just as strongly about their kiddos - anyway).  My friend's wife wrote me a note and included this proverb, which sums up how I feel so succinctly.  Happy Friday, friends.

Proverbs 13:12

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a desire fulfilled is a tree of life."

On Faith

Friday marks 15 weeks of pregnancy and also the longest stretch I've gone without an ultrasound.  I'm mostly feeling pretty relaxed, but I have moments where I want to jump in the car and zip over to my doctor's office for a peek at what this little girl is up to.  Is she moving around in there?  When will I be able to feel her?  My stomach certainly seems to be growing as if she is growing...  A fried is sending me her doppler machine (is that the right term?) so I can hear her heartbeat at home.  Has anyone used one of these?  I'm worried it might just freak me out instead as I am certain there will be times I can't find her heartbeat.

We have some acquaintances who I just found out terminated a pregnancy at 20 weeks because of severe heart abnormalities.  My heart just breaks for them.  Stories like this remind me (as if I really need a reminder) that this baby-making process is so very fragile, uncertain, and truly miraculous when it works out well and you have a healthy, living, breathing baby at the end.

After we lost L, I joined a support group for women with recent losses.  It was such a lifeline during the first 8 weeks and the women continue to be dear friends.  In one of our sessions, we had to write a letter to someone with whom our relationship had changed as a result of our loss.  I wrote to my husband, but two of the women wrote to God and wrote about how they were having so much trouble believing in God after such a horrific event had occurred in their lives.

Interestingly (at least to me), I've had the opposite experience and I've spent a lot of time thinking about it lately.  I've never been particularly religious.  I wouldn't say I didn't believe in God, but I also don't attend church or like to put my hope and faith in someone or something intangible.  I'm just being honest here, so I really hope this doesn't offend anyone.  That said, since we lost L, I have had a renewed sense of faith and hope.  I have been praying.  And I think a lot more about a greater power existing in the world.  And I hope that L is in a nice place - I really can't fathom it being any other way.

I'm not sure what to make of these feelings yet in terms of how I might change my life to accommodate them in the future (e.g., by joining a church), but for now it feels really good and right to pray.

I just re-read this post and realize it is all over the place, but thanks for sticking with me :)