I can't believe I'm about to write these words again.... I am the tiniest bit pregnant. I had a positive home pregnancy test on Monday. I just had a feeling and the feeling was apparently accurate. Tuesday and Thursday I had HCG betas and they came back at 285 and 625, respectively.
Today is my last day at work and we leave for Hawaii in just over two weeks. If my beta looks good on Monday, I'll have an ultrasound the week after Christmas, just a few days before we leave. I'm having déjà vu to March of this year when I had decent betas and then there was no heartbeat at the ultrasound and I'm desperately trying to not be too optimistic out of self-preservation. We are in the midst of Christmas parties and celebrations and I'm going to have to do a better job of hiding the fact that I'm not having a drink. I'm avoiding thinking about what we'll do if the ultrasound looks good because it will mean coordinating health care around the world, tracking down Lovenox, etc. I know it will be fine and that people have healthy babies everywhere, it just seems daunting. I know what to do here -- I don't know what to do in, say, Japan.
Oddly, I didn't tell R the news for over 24 hours. I feel the same way about telling my parents, who we'll have to tell because we are spending Christmas with them and they'll know when I don't have a drink (my Mom has an uncanny sixth sense for pregnancy and has guessed every time, long before I was planning to tell her). I am convinced it won't work out again and that I'll disappoint everyone all over again (everyone and myself).
I had to tell someone what was going on, so here I am sharing it in my "safe space."
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!
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I'll be sending all good vibes your way that this time it works out!!
ReplyDeleteThanks, I appreciate it. I'll take all the good vibes I can get!
DeleteOMG congratulations! That is awesome news. Sounds like you are trying to take it one day at a time. The betas sound good, though I can't exactly remember what they are supposed to be. I hope that the next few weeks go as they should and that you have to figure out the details of pregnancy while traveling....that does sound daunting, but still a good problem to have!
ReplyDeleteYes, one day at a time for sure. The betas do look good and I had another one yesterday that was also on track. I'm quite nervous for next week but hoping for a Christmas miracle.
DeleteWell I'll be!! This is great news. Here's what I think - the fear and worry is obviously so real, but there's just no way to not get your hopes up or stay completely guarded. I never was able to. So I say be as hopeful and excited as you possibly can (which naturally will be a cautious amount) but there's nothing wrong with celebrating this wonderful news and hoping for the very best. Babies should be celebrated early and often and I will share in this happy news with you by being cautiously optimistic for you and sincerely hope for the very best outcome! (And also selfishly hope you still can make it to England - where I can help you navigate NHS).
ReplyDeleteCaroline, you are, of course, right. There is no way to not get my hopes up. They already are - sky high. And I do want to celebrate and know that I should. Thanks for the reminder. No matter what happens, this is still amazing news. Oh, and we would still plan to be in Europe for the early summer. I very much want to meet you!
DeleteFirst, wonderful to read. I know it's a hesitant excitement and I'm obviously hesitant to use words like congratulations (out of self preservation too, maybe?), but I am very happy to read this.
ReplyDeleteDoes it annoy you that your mom has that sixth sense? My mom has the same and much of me just always wished I could have my own secrets. I've never had secrets with that women. Hoping the holidays continue down a happy path into a new year with even more happy.
Thanks :)
DeleteYes, it drives me nuts. She always knows something is up, no matter what. May we have similar powers with our own daughters!
Oh goodness! I know what you mean about trying to keep the optimism in check - I feel like I felt that way during the majority of my pregnancy. It's okay to do what you need to do as you make your way through this - I'd say it's a completely normal given what you've been through to do that. We all do what we need to survive, especially during the holidays.
ReplyDeleteJust make yourself some virgin drinks and perhaps al the other people won't know the difference?
Wishing you well and hoping your next beta has great numbers and that this pregnancy is different from the last. Happy holidays!
Thanks... me, too. Happy Holidays! I'm guessing yours are going to be amazing :)
DeleteI will be thinking of you! Please keep us updated!! It's so sad that people who have diagnosis and issues like we do can't get excited about early pregnancy because it's just so scary and you aren't sure what will happen. Sending hugs and good thoughts your way. xoxo
ReplyDeleteThanks and I totally agree. My OB and the sonographer gave me huge hugs and I felt like I couldn't reciprocate because I would be jinxing things. I do envy women who shout their pregnancy from the rooftops before the 2nd trimester because I'd love to return to a place where I felt that pregnancy just worked out all the time. I am so very happy underneath the feelings of fear and anxiety, of course...
DeleteYaaaay! So glad to read this and excited to see there are even more recent updates.... keeping my fingers crossed for you and sending love!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Heather. I really appreciate it.
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